29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter twenty-nine
Q uillian is already awake when I stir just before dawn. He’s sexily mussed in the morning – his eyes hooded and sleepy, all guardedness gone from his features.
‘Morning,’ he says almost shyly when I blink up at him.
A flash of heat races across my cheeks as I take in where I’m nestled into his chest, his arm behind my neck. But I don’t move. Instead, I let my fingers dance gently on his skin. Feeling the dark hair he has there. The scars.
‘Morning,’ I echo, enjoying the memory of last night. Of how he almost brought me to my knees with only his hands. How I’d pushed him back on the bed and tasted him until he swore, and then rode him as I watched the tendons in his neck strain. How he broke, throwing me back over that ledge, too.
‘I wish we had more than today,’ he murmurs, absently stroking my arm that rests across him.
I swallow.
But I know what I will be facing. What my choice is. And there is nothing that can keep me here, in this prison that I now know is literal and metaphorical. At least for me, even if it’s more a luxury resort for the prisoners. But I won’t walk away from Nix and River. And I certainly won’t walk away from Quillian and the things he’s willing to help me understand. Blossom has said that she goes where I go, but we both need this to be her choice as well.
Even though I know having all the answers won’t necessarily be easier, I have lived in this false haven for too long.
Quillian holds my hand over the top of his heart where I can feel its gentle beat. ‘Luka,’ he says softly, ‘we need to talk about last night. What it means.’
I wriggle forward a fraction until I’m completely flush with the front of his body. ‘Tell me you want more,’ I breathe.
‘I want everything. But you shouldn’t rush to give it, and I–I don’t even know if I am in a position to take it.’
His lips are softer this morning – if that’s possible – when I kiss him in answer, but his tongue is just as hot and inviting as it was last night. Sucking his lip into my mouth, I can’t help but sink my teeth into it gently. I sense his smile, but it feels tinged with sadness.
Drawing back, I let the seriousness of what I am actually going to agree to bring me out of this beautiful daydream, putting aside the flutter in my chest as his words ‘I want everything’ echo in my mind.
‘Last night,’ I say, ‘you told me I was heading towards a precipice with you. One I didn’t know the depth of, and won’t before I commit to joining you, regardless if I like your secrets or not.’
‘Doesn’t sound like a good deal, does it?’ he says.
‘But it’s the reality, I know.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘You’re fighting for good. To fix whatever has gone so wrong in Nuntainia that people like Kasera, Aiten, and Davorous end up here and not in Vana.’
It’s a statement I knew in my heart to be true. Yet, to see him nod in confirmation brings a rush of relief I hadn’t thought possible.
He gently drags his fingers through the ends of my hair as he seems to consider his words. ‘Nuntainia is our continent’s most powerful country in terms of wealth, military might and size. But, instead of using that position to help Tae and Coprath, it is at secret war with Coprath using mostly Tae resources.’ My scalp tingles where my hair pulls gently, but my skin runs cold as I think on what Nix told me – what this war has cost him. ‘And, yet, I’m not sure that war is the worst of it. It’s almost just the end product of systems, decisions, choices that enable them to so effectively keep Tae down.’
‘So you really are fighting a whole country?’ I ask, the words seeming to fill the room. My head starts to pound at how close to the discussions and recommendations of such systems and policies my father could have been. But I know he was striving so hard for good in our country – good for our country. So where has it gone wrong?
‘Yes,’ Quillian says simply, gaze burning down into mine. ‘I am fighting a country, for a country. We’re all here for different versions of the same thing. I fight for Tae,’ he says, hand sliding all the way into my hair to cup my head, ‘and I really do want to fight for you. But you need to think about what you want too. You wanted to go home – to create a life.’
A softly beating stillness settles over us as I think about the version of me that did so desperately want to go home. To Klades and Akira and Zale. But now none of that feels like mine. And Klades is the capital of Nuntainia – the place our government sits and seemingly condones the actions of the prisoners here. At least enough to keep them in luxury and not Vana. How many of the decisions Quillian is talking about did these very people make? And how can that be where I belong now?
‘I want to know your secrets, Quillian. But we save our friends first. Then … I want to know where home is.’
The light has returned to Bloss’s eyes when she spies me creeping across the wellness centre. River’s still in his position in the chair. For all the world, he looks like he’s asleep, but there’s an awareness about him somehow that tells me he’s noted my presence. He doesn’t stir.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask Blossom when I reach her side.
‘Tired,’ she says, lifting herself to sit in the narrow bed.
The mattress squeaks a little as I sit beside her, placing a hand on the covers over her knee. ‘Can you tell me what happened?’
Her face is full of hatred when I look at her, an expression she so rarely wears. River’s awake state is given away when his breathing stops momentarily and fingers grip the arm of the chair. Blossom looks over to him and he slowly opens his eyes, meeting her gaze. I wait for her to ask him to leave. Instead, she addresses both of us.
‘Davorous wanted to take something I didn’t want to give,’ she says. ‘When I refused – clearly – he thought maybe his blade would convince me.’ She looks away. ‘I guess he didn’t realise I’d rather die.’
An oily, sour feeling coats the inside of my stomach. I study Blossom’s profile in the silence, awed by the fierceness under her soft exterior. Not for the first time, I wish I was more like her – openly standing for what is true and important to me. No matter the risks or what others may think. The fact people like Davorous assume they can steal the goodness of people like Blossom burns the back of my throat. That people like Davorous feel it’s their right to take what they will. With no regard for what they break in the process. Because I can tell the woman before me has changed since last night. No matter that, in his view, he may not have succeeded, he has still robbed her. Stolen some of the light she wields.
I take her hand and she grips it back harder than her now faraway look would suggest.
‘We’ll find a way to make him pay, Bloss,’ I say quietly, glancing at River. He nods solemnly. As if he and I have just made a vow. I look back at Blossom. ‘We’ll make him pay.’
Blossom clears her throat and looks back to us, lingering a little longer on River.
‘But today,’ she says, ‘we have other things to do.’
I exhale, my mouth puffing out. Clearly she has done some talking to River because today is the last day before Traelen returns to transfer River and Nix to Zanteera prison, condemning them to a life of torture and isolation for a lie.
‘We need to talk about that first, Bloss,’ I say.
‘Yes,’ River says, sitting forward.
Blossom watches him as he draws himself to standing and stretches his legs and back. Crossing the room to stand beside her bed, he drops into a crouch, eyeing us both.
‘There are things at play here that neither of you understand yet,’ he says.
He looks at me. ‘I assume Quillian has been clear with you about what happens if you do know?’
‘He has.’ Or close enough. Being a ‘loose end’ to people who are capable of killing Nuntainia’s politicians in their secret hiding place can only mean so many things.
‘And what did you decide?’
‘I know what I want to do, River. I understand what’s at stake. But I won’t make the call until Bloss does, too. Until we can talk it through together.’
‘Sell it to me, then,’ she says wearily.
I listen as River takes Blossom through essentially the same discussion Quillian and I had. Minus the attachment part. Listening to River gives the words a different weight to when I talked with Quillian. That conversation was more personal. More charged. While I care for River deeply, it does bring an objectivity to what we’re being asked to do. To agree to a side of an argument we haven’t been a part of. To fight in a way that brings an unknown cost.
But as he talks, I visualise the connections I’ve already made: Quillian’s insistence that I find ways to learn why they’re really here. The jarring differences between those reasons and the ones Traelen announces when they arrive. The conditions the prisoners are entitled to here. The relief on their faces when it’s clear it’s not the infamous Vana Prison they have arrived at, but the secret, exclusive one with no real name.
Only places people aren’t supposed to know about have no names.
Now I wonder if the magical, contractual binds aren’t designed to protect us – the concierges completing their service – but the people who decide where we end up. And the prisoners that end up here and the reasons for their ‘sentence’.
The enormity of what’s starting to take shape in my mind pushes into my temples. A dark shape I can’t see the edges of yet. A shadow that’s not making my understanding clearer, but far more complex. Worrying. About the decisions being made, and who is making them.
‘It’s never a sensible proposition,’ Blossom says with a heavy tone before frowning at River. ‘You’re asking us to trust you implicitly. To hand our lives over to you based on what? Patchy information at best.’
‘We’re not asking, Blossom,’ River says. ‘We won’t ever ask. You’re either all in on the basis of your own experiences and observations and desire to make Nuntainia a better place, or you walk away. You need to look at everything you see here – and what you don’t – and decide for yourselves if you think it’s just. Think about the things Nix and I have been instructed to do as part of our duty , at least the things you know, what that cost has been, and not just for Nix. Then, you need to decide what you do about it.’ He stands again, looking down at each of us. ‘Which brings us back to the options: join us because you believe in something better, or you walk away. From everything.’
‘Even from stopping your transfer?’ I ask, willing the fear to stay out of my voice and not only for River’s benefit. If I think too long on the risk, I may crumble under the weight of it.
He pauses, giving me a long look as he thinks it over.
‘Not necessarily,’ he says. ‘ But that would be it, Lu, that’s a huge risk to be associated with if you’re not under our protection as it is. We weren’t even expecting to have this time with you – finding you here was a huge surprise. But there’d be no more once we leave, you can’t run with us if you’re not with us.’
Blossom gives me a long look. ‘I don’t want you to miss out on what I have,’ she says before looking at River. ‘Get everyone together.’
‘Hey Bloss,’ Emeris says as we pass him in the hall on the way to our apartment. ‘You left early last night.’
His smile is so warm but still mine falters a little. He’d mused about how ‘wonky’ this place is not long ago, now I think it’s almost completely bent, breaking, like it’s preparing to be remade into something else.
‘Just Luka keeping me on my toes, as usual,’ she says and keeps walking, her hand held lightly at her side where I know her dressing lies.
Emeris nods in acknowledgement of River where he trails behind us. Despite what we’re about to meet to discuss, my blood heats a little at the thought of seeing Quillian again. In my apartment.
‘What are you really thinking about all this?’ Blossom asks under her breath when Emeris is out of ear shot.
My heart swells unexpectedly with an anticipation I haven’t felt in a long time. An anticipation for something bigger.
‘I know it seems crazy,’ I whisper. ‘But it’s so clear now there is something very wrong with who our government is sending here – why this place even exists. Something that needs to be stopped. And what if … I don’t know, this is what we’re meant to do?’
‘We don’t even know what it is.’
‘No … not entirely, that’s true. But we do know they’re good people. We know they’re prepared to risk their lives to bring people who abuse their power to justice – people who we’ve been blindly waiting on hand and foot until now. And what’s the other option? Stay here so Davorous can finish what he started?’ My chest pinches at the words that fly out before I can reconsider. But they’re not wrong. Seeing Bloss prone on the stone floor, Nix leaning over her with the knife, is still so raw … She can’t stay, not within reach of him.
‘Sorry, Bloss,’ I say at the flash of terror that spikes in her eyes. ‘I just … I know in my bones these men are good people who are trying to make things better. And we both know the people we serve in this place are anything but good.’
The thought of staying here – forced to live and work amongst these people, treating them as though they’re above everyone else despite their festering sins – is almost suffocating. The idea of working in Parliament with them, where they have free rein to abuse their power, feels worse. Blossom has a different perspective, I know that. She’s endured a pain that means she understands better how to be grateful for every moment. To not constantly be searching for something more. An outlook I’d thought I’d mastered up here. Now, I wonder if I was just being naive to what’s really happening in the world. And finally I have an opportunity to have my horizons broadened.
We reach the hallway to what is ‘home’ in this farce of a prison and she pulls me to the side, pain pinching her features.
‘I do know they’re good,’ she says. ‘I do.’ She brushes a large dark curl out of her face. ‘It’s just … this isn’t the first time someone has tried to pull me into this world, Lu. And then he died.’
‘I’ll give you a moment,’ River says, heading towards the door but loitering just out of earshot, half turned to us. Instinctively, I glance up and down the hallway but there’s no sign of Davorous. Not that I would expect him in the concierge quarters, but I don’t want to take any chances.
Blossom’s gaze doesn’t return to me but remains fixed on River.
‘It’s just … terrifying.’
I frown, looking after River again, fairly certain we’re not only talking about what Frank was involved in before he died. ‘Which bit, Bloss?’ I ask gently.
Her eyes are full of silver tears when she looks back, still not meeting my eye. ‘I’m not supposed to be attracted to anyone.’ My head almost spins at the direction she’s taking, but I know better than to say anything. Not yet. ‘I shouldn’t be contemplating anything that takes me too close to … that.’
The breeze blows through the courtyard, bringing with it the strong scent of jasmine. When she finally meets my gaze, I know she’s ready to hear what I have to say.
‘Bloss.’ I wait until she acknowledges me. ‘I think we might be talking about two different things.’
‘What if taking this leap is one and the same for me? That to do what I couldn’t before means I am putting myself right in the path of something else I can’t do?’
‘Then, and only if you also think hearing their story is the right path, I will be there to collect you at the bottom. Whatever comes.’
She nods slowly.
‘If you take River out of the equation, what are you thinking?’
She sighs heavily and seems to give it considerable thought. ‘That … Frank was right. He knew about people with tattoos like the one on Quillian’s neck.’ She pauses, as if waiting for my reaction – the realisation that she can read it too, that that’s probably exactly why she was wary of him in the beginning. But I know there’s more to Blossom’s uncertainty than my understanding of that connection, so I say nothing. ‘I’m thinking … there are too many hidden injustices that shouldn’t be allowed to continue. Things that people like Frank and those with the tattoos were – are – fighting against. That it’s going to be hard and … dangerous and … that maybe there is a legacy I can try to fulfil. That I think there’s something … honourable on the other side. And I want to be honourable.’