CHAPTER 6
“What's going on, Sasha?” DeShaun demanded, stopping dead in my hotel room.
“What?” I asked, realising he was staring at my bed.
His eyes were zeroed in on my discarded stockings and suspenders.
“Oh my God!” I cried, grabbing my underwear and stuffing them into a drawer. “I forgot they were there!”
He stared at me. “It's a pretty suggestive look.”
“I didn't even know you were staying here!”
He wasn't blinking.
“DeShaun, I swear, it's the truth.”
“You honestly didn't know I was here? And you just happened to leave your lingerie lying on the bed for me to find when you brought me back?”
I sighed. “Yeah, and I made the elevator malfunction with my mind.” I held my hands up. “You've got me, DeShaun, caught red-handed.”
He peeled part of his shirt from his skin, stuck by sweat. “Okay, so what'd you wanna tell me?”
I sat on the edge of the bed at one corner. “I don't know where to start.”
“How about where you and Joe McDonald are a thing and you didn't say anything to me about it before something happened between us, then y'all told the world about your relationship?”
I felt horrible. “You're not wrong, DeShaun.”
He turned to the door.
“But you're not exactly right, either.”
“Sasha, you said no lies and no bullshit. You've got about twenty seconds before I walk out of here.”
“Okay.” I crossed my legs, the slit suddenly revealing a lot more flesh.
“Long before you got here, something started out between Joe and I.
It just happened. I didn't expect it. He knew what I was.
I wouldn't say it didn't bother him, it did.
But it didn't stop him either. And what began as a bit of fun got a little more serious.
I'm not going to lie to you, DeShaun, it did become a relationship.
But long before it got to where it has, I realised he wasn't right for me.
He's controlling, demeaning, aggressive-”
“He hits you?”
I shook my head. “Never.”
DeShaun pulled the ends of his shirt out from his jeans.
“He always gets his own way. I've tried to end it, I have. I know I should've done it already, but he doesn't respect me. He tries to make out I'm joking or being emotional.”
DeShaun sat on the other corner of the bed.
“I don't want to go into explicit details, but he's even forced himself on me... Sexually.”
“He's raped you?”
I hesitated. “It's not the right word. Not... Maybe... I don't know... What does it mean if I don't want it, and he makes me anyway?”
“Sasha, that's sexual assault.”
I ran a stray hair behind my ear. “It doesn't feel right to say that. It seems unfair-”
“You're defending him.”
“No, DeShaun, I'm not. I don't know. It's like he just expects it, and doesn't care how he's just treated me or spoken to me... Like I say, he gets his own way.”
“You shouldn't be with a man like that,” he said.
I gazed at DeShaun, the longing in my heart growing with each passing second.
He looked away.
“DeShaun, what I'm about to tell you needs to remain between us.”
He looked back.
“Only two people know.”
“What is it?”
“Well, you must've heard the rumours Joe was about to get fired.”
“Yeah, then y'all told the world you're a team.”
I shook my head. “He told the world that, DeShaun. I barely opened my mouth-”
“Except to kiss him.”
I felt the sharpest of stabbing pains in my heart, and closed my eyes to conceal the pain. “He was getting fired, no matter the result against Dundee United. Even if we won. Kyle Guernsey knew.”
“Why Kyle?” DeShaun asked.
“Because I asked him to take over as manager.”
DeShaun nodded.
“I was going to tell Joe immediately after the match, I swear.”
He shook his head. “Sasha, that doesn't change anything. What you and I did in the dressing room still happened. You're still with him. You could've told me at any time you were with someone, even if you didn't want to tell me who.”
“I know,” I said, my voice almost breaking. “I tried to tell him it was over so many times in the days before, but he didn't listen... Or maybe he did.”
“What d'you mean?”
“I think he knew I was gonna sack him, and end the relationship for good in the process. He's not stupid. Announcing us to the public was his last roll of the dice, and I didn't see it coming.”
DeShaun shrugged.
“What?”
“Sasha, it doesn't matter what he did. My issue isn't with Joe. I don't like the sound of how he treats you, but that's between you and him. If you wanna fire him and break up with him, just fire him, break up with him and move on.”
“It isn't that simple, DeShaun.” For me, at least.
“It is.”
“He controls the narrative now.”
DeShaun unbuttoned the top button on his shirt and slid his palm in to wipe sweat.
“You've seen the media attention on the club this week,” I said, trying not to gaze so lustfully at his fingers making contact with his dark flesh.
“It's been unreal. And, as much as I don't want it, they're holding me and Joe up as a shining example of a modern, fairytale romance... As if to say a relationship between anyone is possible.”
“And it's, what, bullshit?”
I exhaled. “Yes.”
He realised my eyes were on his chest.
I tried to look away.
“What're you gonna do, Sasha?”
“I don't know. He has covid.”
“I heard.”
“It sounds terrible, but I'm glad he does. This gives me a few days away from him. But, DeShaun, I don't want to go back. Ever. He's in my house, and I never want to go back while he's there. I want it all to be over.”
“So pull the trigger. Fire the gun. Take the flak from the media. Blame him, if you have to. It sounds like it's all his fault, anyway.”
“That kiss,” I said suddenly.
“What?”
I edged closer to him. “That kiss, last week, that very first kiss you gave me in the dressing room...
I felt everything in that kiss. It was the most perfect kiss I've ever experienced in my whole life.” I was fully clothed, but I felt as naked before him as I had done the week before.
“I have feelings for you, DeShaun. Very strong feelings. I never had these types of feelings for Joe.”
He gazed back at me.
“I can't stop thinking about you.”
He made no attempt to move away, as I advanced.
“Will you please put me out of my misery and tell me if it's just me who's feeling this way?” I asked.
“It's not just you, Sasha,” he said, and reached out to take my hand in his.
“Thank you.”
He stroked my skin. “But nothing can happen between us again.”
I grimaced.
“It was wrong.”
My head told me to pull my hand away from his. “I know, I'm sorry.”
“I believe you, Sasha, and that's something.”
But my heart told me to let this moment last forever.
“Someday, maybe, I can learn to trust you again...”
That same heart suddenly ached all over again.
“But we both know that's not tonight.”
A tear fell from one of my eyes.
He watched it.
I couldn't bring myself to wipe it, and felt it fall all the way to my chest.
DeShaun's eyes followed it. “Thank you,” he said. “For telling me the truth.”
“I don't want to ever lie to you, DeShaun. I should've been more honest. I know I should. I just really didn't want to let myself believe someone like you could really like me.”
“Someone like me?”
“You're perfect, DeShaun. You're handsome. You're masculine. You're confident. You come across like you've the world at your feet. And I've seen what those feet can do on a football pitch... You're way too good for someone like me.”
He stared at me for the longest time.
I didn't want to let myself be deceived by a fleeting moment, but I couldn't help it. I felt it. I knew this man wanted me too. Maybe not as much as I wanted him, but this attraction – these feelings that came with it – was mutual.
“Sasha Liu, don't ever put yourself down. You're incredible. You're beautiful. You have the most natural glow of a soul I've ever seen... If anything, you're way too good for me.”
My smile was countered only by the tears that came with it.
“Look, I'm gonna go,” he said.
I wanted to stop him. “Okay.” But I owed it to him to let him leave.
“But, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned in life it's that no matter how bad the situation seems, it'll work out one way or another in the end.”
I nodded.
DeShaun stood. “You might think you're living in a mess, or a madness, but it'll not be like this forever... Something will change, even if you can't bring yourself to be the one to change it.”
I felt ashamed.
He let go of my hand. “I'll see you around, Sasha.”
I felt weak. “Yes, DeShaun.”
He walked to the door of my room, opened it and let it slide shut behind him on the way out.
I wanted to follow him, like I had out of the restaurant, but I didn't. It wouldn't have been right.
No matter what, I couldn't bring him back into this torturous situation.