Chapter 17 #2
His steady footsteps echoed against the metal stairs that led to the second landing.
I worked up the courage to lift my eyes.
Seeing him made it worse. He moved along the wall of books, his broad back to me, muscles bunched under a bespoke suit.
His hair was tied at the nape of his neck.
His steps were slow as his fingers trailed spines, searching.
I couldn’t—couldn’t do this.
My throat closed up until each breath was harder than the last. I glanced down at my proof, only half finished, then jerked to my feet and fled.
My legs carried me down one hallway after another.
The entire manor passed me by without a shred of realization.
I didn’t blink until I was out in the bright, summer sunlight.
Then I took in gasping breaths, placing my hands on my knees, fighting the vasovagal reaction that tunneled my vision. Blood rushed back to my head.
Finally, I stood up and blinked. I was in the garden.
I walked to the nearest bench and sank down, gripping the wood.
I counted each breath, holding it for three seconds before releasing.
My skin was clammy. The fact that I couldn’t control my body’s response to him was just another way he’d stolen my agency.
It’s not my fault, I reminded myself.
I wouldn’t let myself feel ashamed for something he’d done. Even thinking his name sent another wave of nausea coursing through me. He was just a vampire, a single vampire. I couldn’t let him have this kind of power over me—
“Miss Shaw? Everything all right?”
Vittorio’s shadow fell over me. “Oh. I…” I exhaled. Vittorio’s nostrils flared and I knew it would be stupid to lie. These creatures had an excellent sense of smell. “Just…you know…having a little panic attack.” I tried to sound calm but my voice came out overly cheery and fake.
“Ah. But of course. How about some herbal tea, then?”
I glanced up, relieved. “Chamomile with honey, maybe? Could you make it iced?”
“Consider it done. Shall I bring it out here, or would you like me to escort you inside?”
I kept my voice steady. “Here is fine. Thank you.”
“Give me a moment.” He moved off, rounding the garden’s flower beds, then disappeared. I couldn’t help but wonder how he’d found me. The kitchen was on the far side of the manor, out of view.
My thoughts went to Laurent. He would have seen me flee. Which meant he’d sent Vittorio to check on me, because he probably saw how I reacted around him. Only…that would imply that he cared.
He didn’t.
As if summoning it, another of Laurent’s memories came to the front of my mind and I was forced into it, tumbling head first.
The small country manor was silent, the family long since asleep.
It was set on the outskirts of a small village hardly anyone had heard of.
Laurent’s jaw ached—my jaw ached. He—we, I— looked left, then motioned with my head.
“There can be no survivors. Cino, Nicola, take the back. Guard it well. Gabriel, remain here, in case anyone comes. I’ll only be a moment. ”
“May none of us enter?” Gabriel asked.
“My father’s orders were clear.”
“Of course, Heir. We will do as commanded.” They slipped into the darkness.
I strode to the entry and kicked down the door.
I swept through the house. The servants—there were two—I killed first, breaking their necks.
The children, four of them, I attended to next.
Then finally, the lord and lady of the house.
Those deaths were not clean, nor quick. I used my blade to inflict their wounds.
The blood tempted me, but I did not drink.
I left the blade resting on the lord’s chest, then departed.
It was easier this time, I realized, not sure how I felt about that knowledge. Perhaps my father had been right. Death got easier when a person stopped letting themselves feel it. If that was the case, I needed to completely stop—
I wrenched myself from Laurent’s memory, slipping back into reality.
Each time felt as if it were mine, as if I were reliving it.
Only once I was free could I control my thoughts and make my assessment.
But my judgement was hardly necessary. I knew what Laurent was.
A monster. A beautiful, heartless monster.
And instead of hating him, as I used to, now I only feared him. Now, he probably knew exactly how much.
I shuffled my feet, kicking my toe against a pebble beneath the bench. Great. Just what I needed. Giving him that kind of power over me.
An awful thought sprang to mind and I cringed. Had he been the one to leave me the journal? I hadn’t worked up the courage to ask Zola after discovering it. Mostly because I was afraid to know the truth.
If it had been him, then he knew about my love of math. I didn’t like that. Didn’t want him knowing anything about my past. I let out a shaky breath.
“Here you are, Miss Shaw.” Vittorio handed me a glass of amber liquid. Already, condensation was collecting against it.
I took a sip and hummed. “Did he send you out here?”
There was a hesitation and then, “To check that you were all right, yes. He was…concerned.”
My hand tightened on the glass. If Laurent was concerned, it was only the kind of concern a person might have about an investment, nothing more.
Vittorio must have read my expression, but he didn’t comment.
“Is there anything else I can get for you, Miss Shaw? A pastry, perhaps? We’ve still got a few hours before dinner. ”
I felt a faint stir of something that might have been appetite. “What’s for dinner?”
“Laurent requested lasagna, a favorite of his. I’ve been preparing the ingredients. It will go into the oven in a couple of hours.”
“I…like lasagna too,” I admitted, reluctantly.
“Excellent, because I’m making a lot of it. Fresh bread, too. I’ll even open a bottle of wine. Would you like a garden salad to accompany?”
“That would be…perfect. Do you need any help?”
“I would very much appreciate it.” He was only saying it to please me. I knew that.
“Okay.”
“Excellent. How about five? That should give us enough time to get everything ready.”
“Sure.” The word came out flat despite my effort.
“Very good. Enjoy your tea, Miss Shaw.”
He left me and I felt...not lighter exactly, but less heavy. The small kindness had created a tiny crack in the numbness, though I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. The fact that such a small gesture could penetrate me should have concerned me more than it did.
A distant part of me recognized this was the kind of life I’d once dreamed of. You could have had it without all the pain, had you just stayed put. Laurent would not have resorted to such measures—
No. This wasn’t my fault. It was his.
I wouldn’t dare take the blame. He’d…ruined me. It wasn’t the first time. I’d been ruined before, mistreated in ways humans shouldn’t be, especially children. I’d never let that stop me, never used it as an excuse. I’d always moved past it.
I needed to do that now. I needed to survive this. Healing felt impossibly far away, but surviving...that I could do. I’d done it before. There was no other choice.