Chapter 16
The sun had shown itself to the sky by the time Keir felt safe to stop running.
He was panting, exhausted, his lungs burning, his wounds painful and bleeding.
When they reached the shore of a small loch he did not recognize, he finally stumbled to a stop.
Elin was panting heavily at his side, and as he knelt to drink and wash his face, she sank down at his side.
It all felt too familiar. At least, this time, his wounds only felt superficial.
He grimaced as he thought of the injuries he’d seen Noah take and prayed that he and Graeme had somehow made it out, but his hope was slim.
After a few minutes of reviving themselves, a small, delicate hand rested on Keir’s shoulder. He didn’t shrug Elin away, but neither did he look at her. His breathing returned to normal, but in place of the exhaustion and adrenaline pooled shame and self-revulsion. Because it was his fault.
It had to be.
He’d been so distracted when he was trying to teach Elin how to track, so caught up in her, that he hadn’t been careful. He’d left a trail, he was sure of it, and the Grants had discovered it. And now Theon and Briana were gone, he had no idea what had happened to Graeme and Noah…
Keir winced away from the pain of the thought. “I’m sorry,” he said, the words torn from his throat. “I promised ye a home, and I’ve taken it from ye with me foolishness. I’m so sorry.” His eyes itched, but no tears would come.
Elin was silent for a moment, but her hand tightened on his shoulder.
“I dinnae ken how I could be such a fool,” he went on, staring with disgust at his own reflection in the water. “I failed ye. I failed all of ye. I led the Grants right to us, led Eamon Grant right tae ye. I—”
“Ye didnae,” Elin said, so quietly her voice was almost lost in the wind. “Keir, listen. This isnae yer fault.”
Now he did look at her. Her eyes were brimming with tears, her cheeks pink, and her hair wild. She was so, so beautiful. “Dinnae try tae make me feel better for what I’ve done, Elin. I—”
“It was me fault. Me alone.”
Keir froze.
Elin swallowed, closed her eyes, and continued to speak. “It’s me fault. I… when I went tae me village, when ye waited at Aberholme, I went back tae me old home. And I met him there. We talked. He asked me to come with him, and I—”
The world spun around Keir and a pounding headache formed between his eyes. He interrupted her sharply. “How could ye hide this from me?”
She flinched back as though she had been struck. “I didnae tell ye because I didnae want ye tae ken I’d been around him. I didnae want ye tae think I still cared. I thought it best…” She trailed off.
Keir’s stomach clenched with nausea. He stood, staring down at the woman kneeling by the lochside, this woman he had been foolish enough to trust. “Ye thought it best tae lie tae me? That I didnae ken ye would seek him out one last time?”
Elin stared up at him, alarm written all over her face.
But Keir had seen that expression before.
He’d seen it from young women who had ‘thought it best’ that they catch the attention of his older, stronger brother.
He’d seen it from his father, who ‘thought it best’ that Keir didn’t attend some of the same lessons as Theon in order to prevent controversy.
He’d even seen it from the servants, who’d whisper behind their hands that the bastard boy and the master’s mistress were allowed a seat at the table and act contrite only when they got caught.
“So ye didnae want me tae ken ye still cared,” he repeated, pacing back and forth, biting ants beneath his skin.
“I didnae say—”
“Ye wanted me tae be unwise tae ye findin’ out if ye still had his favor, is that it?
Ye didnae want me tae object tae yer final chance.
” Keir clenched his fists, his heart contracting.
It must be true. Of course it was true. How could he have been so stupid as to believe it was anything else?
What would she want with the likes of him?
Elin scrambled to her feet. “Nay! Nay, that isnae it. I’m tired of spendin’ me life as the lass clingin’ to the favor of rich men. I told him I kent about his marriage, and then I came tae ye. I chose ye, Keir. Dinnae ye understand?”
Part of him screamed with hope, but he shut it down.
He’d learned long, long ago what that kind of hope did if he allowed it to flourish.
His heart, his head, everything twisted.
“I understand,” he said stiffly. “I understand that ye confirmed he’s tae be wed and then ye came back tae me.
I cannae fault ye for it, nae really. Men like me were born tae never be anythin’ more than the second choice. ”
She grabbed for his hand, but he pulled it away. “Keir—”
“Men like me are mistakes, far below what women like ye need. I understand that. I just thought…” He swallowed, and suddenly the anger died within him, leaving only pain and regret.
He turned his back. “It doesnae matter what I thought. Go back tae yer future laird, Elin. I’ve spent me life livin’ in the shadow of another man, and I willnae continue it in the shadow of yet another.
I should have kent a bastard would never be good enough for a woman made of ambition. ”
She gasped as though she’d been winded. “All I ever wanted was tae be free,” she whispered in a tiny voice. “Keir, please. Look at me. Let me explain.”
But he didn’t turn around. He knew the truth, and he didn’t have time to waste begging to be loved.
His brother and sister-in-law were missing, Noah was probably dead, and Graeme might need him. It was time to put an end to this charade once and for all.
“I dinnae want yer explanations. Ye want freedom? Ye’re free now. Eamon is waiting. Goodbye.”
And with those words he marched off back into the woods, leaving the loch, the sky, and Elin far behind him. He squared his shoulders, resolving that it was better this way.
After all, a bastard had no need of a heart.
So what did it matter if his was broken?