Chapter Nineteen #2
She changed into clean jeans and a sweater, then drove to Braden and Jackson's new place across town. It was a small house in a quiet neighborhood, with a porch swing and flower boxes Jackson had installed himself.
The door opened before Celeste could knock. Jackson stood there grinning, an apron tied around his waist that said “Kiss the Cook.”
“Celeste! Come in. We're making pasta from scratch. Well, Braden's making pasta. I'm the moral support element and wine pourer.”
The house smelled of garlic and tomatoes. Music played from somewhere in the kitchen, something jazzy and upbeat. Jackson led her through the living room, which was still half-unpacked boxes and mismatched furniture, into a kitchen that was somehow both chaotic and cozy.
In the kitchen, Braden stood at the counter with his hands covered in flour, rolling out dough with intense concentration. He looked up when Celeste entered and his face lit up with pleasure.
“You came!”
“You threatened me.”
“Because I knew you'd try to hermit.” Braden wiped his hands on a towel and pulled her into a hug. “You look terrible, by the way.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it lovingly.” He held her at arm's length, studying her face with concern. “Did something go wrong with Ruby?”
“Can we not talk about it?”
“We absolutely can and will talk about it. But first, wine.” Jackson pressed a glass into her hand. “Sit. Drink. We'll ply you with alcohol and carbs until you spill.”
Despite her own feelings, Celeste felt a smile tug at her lips.
She sat at the small kitchen table while Jackson chopped vegetables, and Braden worked the pasta dough.
They moved around each other with easy familiarity, Jackson occasionally stealing a kiss when Braden wasn't paying attention, resulting in him being swatted away with a flour-covered hand.
The sound of their shared laughter filled the air. They were clearly so completely and unselfconsciously happy.
Ruby had given her those same affectionate looks in quiet moments, in the hotel room and everywhere else they had been present. And Celeste had turned her back to it all.
“So,” Braden said, sliding the pasta into boiling water. “About Ruby.”
“There's nothing to tell.”
“That's a lie and we both know it.”
“We had a good time and then the trip ended.”
“So early?”
Jackson set down his knife, exchanging a look with Braden. “For what it's worth, Braden's been worried about you, and so am I. It's apparent that you haven't been yourself since you got back.”
“I'm fine.”
“You're not fine,” Braden said “And that's okay. You don't have to be fine. But you also don't have to go through it alone.”
Celeste stared into her wine glass. The kitchen was warm and smelled like home and she was sitting with two people who loved her. She should have felt comforted.
Instead, she felt like an outsider looking in at the life she wanted but couldn't have.
“Felix called yesterday,” Braden said. “We talked for almost an hour.”
Felix was Braden's older brother, the one who'd stopped speaking to him after he came out. “Really?”
“He apologized, said he'd been an ass, and that he'd let Dad's reaction influence him too much. He wants to meet Jackson.” Braden's voice was thick with emotion.
“And Mom called a few days ago just to say she loved me and she was proud of me.
That it didn't matter who I loved as long as I was happy.”
Jackson squeezed Braden's hand, his own eyes misty.
“That's wonderful,” Celeste said, meaning every word of it.
“It is. And you know what? I'd been terrified for years about telling them. I played out every worst-case scenario in my head a thousand times. I was scared to death for all those years for no reason. I thought they'd disown me and I'd lose everything.”
“But you didn't.”
“No. Don't get me wrong, Dad's still not talking to me and that hurts.
But Mom and Felix came around. And even if they hadn't—” Braden looked at Jackson, something soft and fierce in his expression.
“Even if the outcome had been terrible, I couldn't keep living like that, with the fear hanging over me. Couldn't keep hiding who I was.”
He turned back to Celeste, his gaze knowing. “And I've found someone I love enough that I never want to hide. Someone who makes me brave enough to face whatever comes.”
As she listened, she knew he was also talking about her and Ruby without saying their names.
“I get the feeling you know what that's like.” He looked at her in that Braden-specific way that told her he could see right through her.
Her vision blurred. She stood up abruptly, nearly knocking over her chair. “I'm tired. I should go home.”
“Celeste—”
“Thank you for dinner. I'm sorry. I just…I need to go.”
She grabbed her purse and fled before either of them could stop her and made it to the car in record time.
Inside her house, she let herself fall apart all over again.
She cried for Braden, who'd found the courage Celeste couldn't seem to summon and for herself, trapped in a cage of her own making.
Her phone buzzed on the nightstand with a text from Braden: I love you. Whatever you're going through, I'm here. Always.
Celeste didn't respond. She just curled up on her side, still in her clothes, and let the darkness take her.
Tomorrow she'd figure out how to keep living this half-life she'd chosen, how to work and smile at clients and pretend her heart wasn't broken.
But tonight, she let herself mourn, let herself feel the full weight of everything she'd lost.
And wondered if there would ever come a day when it didn't hurt quite so much.