10. Chapter 9
Chapter 9
Rollie
Seb stays on the line with me for the entire drive home, just talking. At first, I mostly fantasize about what I want him to do to me once he gets here. Seb whispers filthy promises as I fuck myself on a dildo that’s a little too small and a little too hard to really satisfy me.
I’ve already got a knotting plug shoved up my ass, and it’s not quite enough. I’ve gone through most of the modest collection of sex toys that lives in a tote under our bed in an effort to chase an orgasm that’s been hovering annoyingly out of reach since I got home.
Seb describing how we’re going to enjoy this heat together is the missing piece I need—my mate. I can almost imagine he’s the one stuffing me full as I activate the knotting feature on the plug in my ass. That fullness and pressure helps me to focus as the heat suppressor does its thing enough for us to discuss more than how horny I am for him.
I know it’s better to talk these things out before a heat, but I’ve told him I’d give anything to share a true heat with him before this, so surely he realizes it’s not just he hormones talking now? I know he’s being cautious because he cares, but it’s exasperating. My irritation with his emphasis on consent might actually be the hormones talking.
Seb brings up testing concerns and risk assessment and all of that very rational stuff. I tell him how I want to call him my mate and pretend he really can breed me. I know that’s treacherous ground with him, but I also know it’s something we’d both want in a perfect universe. Not him siring a kit or a clutch, just being able to make one together.
Maybe the suppressor was a good idea, so I don’t fuck this up with clumsy wording that makes him think I’d change a thing about who he is. Ugh, now I’m second-guessing why he asked me to ask him about that part again in person. I wish he didn’t hang up when he got out of Ty’s car.
The front door opening startles me into hitting the quick release button that deflates the bulb on the knotting plug that’s still in my ass and I whimper at the emptiness of its sudden lack. I took the suppressor dose he asked me to so we can talk, but I really don’t want to discuss sex anymore when we could just be having sex. Foot in mouth concerns aside.
Oh well, he’s here now. That’s what matters. I guess it’s nice that I can think more clearly now that the meds are working, but I was still enjoying the stretch of the knotting toy. I sit up and toss the toy onto a towel that l laid out earlier to collect the other toys I’ve used for cleaning later. There’s no point trying to clean myself up, I’m a disheveled mess from trying to get off on my own in our bed.
Really, the noise of the door opening and Seb’s keys and shoes being put away shouldn’t be a surprise. Seb told me he was here before we hung up our call. The silly raven had the audacity to ask if I wanted him to come inside or stay with his brother until my heat passes. Ridiculous question.
Obviously I want him here. Forget coming inside the house; I want him coming inside of me as soon as possible, preferably with minimal talking. It’s not like he’s never fucked me before. Sure, it’s different when we’re sharing an alpha who can act as a buffer to pretend we aren’t really together, but the fact I want to share my heat with him isn’t a case of hormonal impulsivity.
I know for a fact Seb can pad through our home with total silence, so he’s stomping so noisily toward our door on purpose. Giving me lots of warning of the conversation he wants to have. His footsteps stop just outside our room. I hate that there’s a door between us. Even if he is trying to stave off his body’s response to my heat pheromones. Consent is great, but he has it. And despite the revelations about his lies of omission pertaining for our HRT, I don’t think he’d offer to fuck me if he didn’t want to. If for no other reason than that he knows I’d be livid when—not if—I figured it out.
I pause and reach for the door, resting my hand on the smooth wood instead of the knob at the last second. For some reason, nerves swarm in my belly. Why isn’t he opening the door? He’s just standing there. Not saying anything. Maybe he’s having second thoughts?
“Seb?” I ask, my voice shaking on my mate’s name.
The lucid part of my brain pipes up with the helpful reminder that we haven’t discussed that label properly. He isn’t my mate. It’s just a game we are considering playing. Even if he agreed to fuck me like one for the duration of my heat.
That stupid, rational bit of me is slipping back under the haze of heat hormones and lust. I’m not sure if I’m imagining his scent wafting to me now, but it has my mouth watering to taste him. I really want Seb to fuck me. I don’t need a label to define that this is the shifter I trust beyond all others. The one I’ve twined into every part of my life and never want to let go.
“Yeah?” Seb asks, he’s so close now. I can’t help imagining that I can feel the heat of his hand against mine through the door. My scent blocker from earlier is for sure wearing off. Or he’s just that horny because I can smell him now.
Lime and vanilla and everything good in the world, I’d never tell him this, but the fluctuating undertones that swing between alpha musk and omega sweetness depending on his hormone levels make no difference to me. It’s still him, still the most comforting wonderful scent in the world, even tinged with the enticing musk of an alpha in rut. I know he hates anything alpha about his body, so I don’t comment on it. That rut scent is getting stronger along with my own scent the longer we stand here though.
“Need you now. Can we talk more when you’re inside me?” I complain, shuffling closer to the door, until my forehead is pressed against it too.
We talked so much on the phone. I know he slept with someone last night. A fellow avian. He’ll need to get tested after that, but not for anything he can pass to me. Perks of dating outside my taxonomic class. Seb said he wants to see me before he agrees to letting me call him my mate until the heat breaks. So he can be sure it’s really a rational choice and not the hormones talking, whatever makes him comfortable works for me.
“Meds wearing off?” Seb asks.
“Mhm.” I bite my lip to choke back a needy moan as I palm my aching dick, I feel so wet and both my holes ache with the need to be filled. I glance over my shoulder at our bed and wince at all the discarded toys I left out when I heard him approaching. None of those dildos holds a candle to the delicious silky flesh over steel sensation of Seb’s dick moving inside of me.
“Okay. If you’re sure you want me to take care of you during the rest of the heat, open the door. I’ll check in with you again during the lulls, but I need you to be sure, baby.”
“I’m sure.” I nod. Then feel foolish he can’t see me through the door. So I fling it open as I repeat the fantasy we explored on the phone while I fucked myself on a toy and each mile brought him closer to me. “I want this. Want to pretend we can just have this. That we can be mates and spend the next few days trying to make a kit.”
The sight of Seb standing there makes my mouth go dry and my pussy drip. I’m wetter than ever. Fuck. I stare at him as my brain grinds to a horny halt over the fastest way to get his dick inside me and a knot jammed in my ass.
Seb sucks his teeth loudly, then sighs. “Come here?”
He opens his arms and I go to him, clinging to him and breathing him in. His scent is different now. The heat pheromones are affecting him too. Even if he has more experience controlling it.
I whine and reach for him. “Need you.” Need my mate, but I can’t say that out loud yet. It’s as if Seb hears it anyway and offers me everything he can.
“Hey, look at you. Aren’t you just a sopping puddle of need for me? Want my cock omega mine?” Seb croons in a sweetly teasing tone. Encouraging me to enjoy myself.
I rock my hard dick into him and he plunges a hand between my thighs to rub my sensitive shaft, letting me buck into his grip a few times before he works his fingers further back, finding my slick pussy and fingering it open. “I want to fuck you here. This is where an alpha would put his pups in you. That’s what you want from me, right, Rollie?”
There’s an edge to his tone that warns me to word my answer with as much care as I can manage. What he said isn’t quite right, but it’s like I’m moving through honey to figure out why. There is a nuance to sharing my heat with him and him alone that’s almost impossible to grasp through the burning need of the heat. I know what he just offered is not quite right in a part of me that the instinctual need for my mate wants to bulldoze past.
“Want you,” I whimper, draping my naked body bonelessly over his, grasping his shoulders and humping against his pants. It’s true that I want him to breed me. As my mate, not as an alpha. Never that. Yes, that’s what was wrong. Not like an alpha. Don’t want an alpha, just him.
As hot as Seb breeding me sounds, it’s exactly what he doesn’t want to hear. It treads directly on layers of trauma. Any hint that I view him as anything other than the omega he is will gut him. Wound him deeper than any violent fuck with a stranger could ever reach inside of him. Maybe part of him wants that—but too damn bad. His fingers falter inside of me and then thrust in harder, almost violently. It’s just what I need to crystalize my half-formed thoughts in the heightened arousal of my heat.
“Oh, Seb, yes. There. Like that. Harder. I want my omega mate to breed me. To fill me up with your slick, and make everything feel so good. Mate, not alpha.”
“Yeah? You saying you don’t want me to go into a rut and knot this wet little hole?” Seb twists his fingers as he pumps them in deeper. Still forceful, but the edge of something feral he’s never really shown me before is gone from it.
I gasp and thrust to meet him. He knows just how to make my body sing and I don’t want to talk more. We had this discussion. Sort of. But I need him to feel good too. Need him to be able to let go and ride the high of pheromones and slick and pleasure with me, uninhibited and without holding back to guard his most tender parts.
He makes me feel so good, I need to get one more coherent thought out, and then I just want to lose myself in enjoying our make believe perfect fantasy. Forget that this shouldn’t be possible and it might be a symptom of a serious issue. Forget all the reasons we’d be terrible as mates, and just—live in a moment of perfect bliss.
“I don’t want your rut, Seb, I want your heat. I’d welcome making a kit together, but I don’t want it to hurt you, mate.” I touch his cheek, the smooth skin there is more stubbly than usual from the higher levels of alpha hormones. I swallow down my shame and guilt over taking the meds he gave me without question. I did this to him. Or at least, I didn’t pay enough attention to see him using our shared meds as a blade to carve himself into pieces with. No more hurting each other with good intentions. Until my heat passes, I only want to give and take pleasure with him.
“Yeah? You sure, Rollie baby?” Seb leans back to meet my eyes, searching for any doubt. “This is what you want; two omegas sharing a heat with no alpha?”
“Yes.” I cup his cheek, using the tenderness of my caress to say everything I can’t put into words with my juices dripping down his wrist and the heat pheromones wrapping around us both.
“Mhm, me too. Always want you. You smell so good, Rollie. Like snickerdoodles and solstice.” Seb nuzzles into my touch, cocking his head the way he does in his bird form. Inviting me to preen him. Trusting me entirely.
How did I let myself miss out on years of this closeness with him? All because I was afraid. Afraid mating another omega would somehow invalidate my own identity. Afraid he’d lose interest in me the way he does with most of his lovers. Afraid of the gossip and how people will react. None of that matters in the least, a merest spark against the inferno of hope and longing when he turns to kiss my palm, and then my lips.
My family won’t understand this. And I could not care less. The animal instincts my heat is bringing to the surface force me to listen to what my raccoon side has been telling me all along. Seb has been the mate of my heart for years. If we never shared so much as a kiss, he would still be my other half. Having him in my life is as necessary as shifting into my second skin.
I whine and try to get him to go back to fingering me, rocking on his fingers and reaching for his wrist. Seb breaks the kiss and gives me a wicked grin.
“Who knew my sweet, polite, little Rollie could be such a needy boy for his mate?” Seb kisses me before I can protest. “You want me so bad, huh? You’re desperate to get this tight little pussy fucked?” Seb thrusts into me then pauses until I nod my frantic agreement.
“Yes. Fuck me. Fill me up.”
“I will. Soon. You’re burning up with this heat, aren’t you? Need a knot so bad? But you’re too tight for any alpha to have like this, so it’s all mine. My own tight little cunt to fuck and breed and fill with our clutch. That’s what you want, huh? For me to mate you and make you all mine?”
Yes. That’s exactly what I want. Words tangle up in my head and I open my mouth to agree only for Seb to cackle at the raccoon hiss of desperate needy sound that I garble out.
“I know baby, I need inside of you too.” He kisses me again, withdrawing his fingers to crowd me toward our bed. “Looks like you tried just about everything to fill up your hole without me, but you still wanted me to take care of you, huh?”
“Yeah.” I nod, glancing sheepishly at the array of used and discarded toys. Seb sweeps an assessing gaze over them too and plucks up an old faithful.
“Good boy. Such a desperate little slut, I think you need all of your holes filled, don’t you? I’m gonna stuff your ass with a knotting plug.” Seb holds up the toy I dropped on our bedding when he got here for my approval and I nod. “Good, present your hole for me?”
I get on all fours on the bed and spread my cheeks, I’ve seen him do this for alphas often enough to know exactly what he wants. Seb moans and when I glance over my shoulder to see what the hold up is, he rubs his bulge through his pants. “Such a gorgeous boy, so ready for me, aren’t you darling? So slick and ready.”
I’m not. Not where he’s planning to stick that plug, I applied lube for the last round, but it’s going to take more for the knot to feel good. By contrast, the hole Seb was fingering earlier has never been wetter in my life and I am more than ready to have him inside me.
Seb snorts, digs through the rucked up mess of blanket for the lube and drizzles a generous amount over the plug and even more between my cheeks before working the toy firmly inside of me. He teases me open, fucking the short firm length in by centimeters until the base is nestled firmly against my ass and the knotting parts are seated inside my rim where I’ll get the most pleasure out of it.
“That’s it, such a good omega, taking this knot for your mate. You’re going to work it the whole time I fuck you, aren’t you baby? You can take it until I come inside of you, right?”
I moan my agreement. I can definitely outlast the slow building pleasure that usually transforms into a growing discomfort if I keep the knot in too long. Right now, with the urgent lust of the heat riding me, that hardly seems like a challenge at all. I could take the knot all night. Forever, if it means keeping Seb inside of me. Connected to me. Calling me mate and praising me with his sweet endearments.
Seb makes the prep feel like he’s putting on a show for us both. Giving me just enough of the perfunctory stretching it would take to have both of us ready to go if the heat had my slick glands in overdrive, while still taking care not to hurt me or risk the knot toy’s bulge from getting too dry when he inflates it.
“You’re dripping for me, darling.” Seb reaches between my thighs to rub slick over my sensitive inner lips. “Can’t wait to come in here.” His fingers dip inside of me and I moan as I chase his touch. “I know, you need it so bad, huh? I just need you to roll onto your back so I can get in nice and deep.”
I move into position, whimpering at the way the plug moves inside me, setting sensitized nerves tingling with pleasure. I squirm to try to dislodge another dildo from under my back, which has me gasping at the plug jostling around in my ass all over again, pushing forward and making me ache to have Seb breeding me already. I flail around and manage to kick most of the bedding and toys onto the ground with satisfying thumps.
“Seb? Ready? Need you now.” I rub against the mattress, trying to get off on the plug inside me, but it’s not close to enough.
What’s the hold up? I glance over to see Seb finally letting his clothing drop to the floor. My mouth waters and I want to taste him. The last dildo I missed under my hip digs into me. Seb reaches under me to pluck up the last toy. I pull him down on top of me.
“Oof!” Seb’s startled expression dissolves into laughter and then trails into a moan as I wriggle under him, lining his erect dick up where I need him, so that it juts into mine when I buck up to try to get his dripping cockhead where we both need it. Inside me. Buried so deep a part of him might never have to leave. I want to melt into one being and as Seb pins my wrists above my head and makes eye contact, he has so much more than just my body under his thrall. “Manners, Rollie. Ask for what you want.”
“I want my mate to breed me so deep I can taste your jizz.” I pout as I wriggle helplessly under him, still trying to get him where I want him. He wants this too. He said so. I don’t know why he’s being such a tease about it now.
Seb laughs. “I got that impression, yeah.” His smile dims and I can’t quite read all the complexity of his expression as he says, “Just need to be sure you’re happy without a condom? I’ve fucked other mammal shifters since my last STI panel, with a condom, but still…”
“I know, you already said that. Don’t care. Want to smell you on me. Risk that you’re carrying something you can’t get is low enough. We’ll talk more details when I’m not in heat.”
“Okay. Sorry,” Seb sounds like he means that on far too many levels. There is so much weight in that one-word apology and I don’t want to unpack any of it. Funny how I woke up this morning ready to demand an apology from him and now that he feels compelled to offer one, albeit for all the wrong reasons, it’s the last thing I want from him. We still have a lot to talk about. And all of it will keep until after my heat.
“Don’t apologize; just fuck me, Seb.”
“Such a demanding mate,” Seb teases me, trying to recapture our earlier playfulness. I crunch up to nip at him, going along with it.
“Get your dick inside me, omega.” I demand.
“Yes, mate.” Seb obeys with only a hint of the feral need to push every one of his own limits that I’ve seen in him with an alpha between us. I arch up at the first delicious slide of his body slotting inside of mine. Right where he belongs. Where I want him to always come home to when he needs to lose himself. He smells so good. The essence of him that underpins everything else and remains unchanging no matter what his pheromones tell the world about his secondary gender. Seb and home. Mate and mine.
I never want this heat to end. Seb fucks me, the knot toy in my ass fills. I can smell when he’s close, our combined slick is a heady perfume I want to bathe in. We slow our pace, dragging out each gentle thrust, flirting along the edges of an orgasm, making this last as long as possible.
The first round rolls into the next and time blends into a cycle of cuddles and fucking and raiding the kitchen for snacks to fuel more fucking. By the end of the first day, I can’t tell if I’m dripping with our combined slick, or his seed and I don’t care.
For all the dirty talk about breeding, I don’t let myself even begin to hope there is any chance of either of us getting pregnant. The odds are so miniscule it would only be inviting in heartache to even entertain the spark of a thought that one in a million things can happen and Seb would be the most amazing parent to share a kit with.
I still like it when he spoons me and rubs warm hands over my belly telling me how full of kits he’s going to stuff it after our nap. It’s hot to talk about it, and Seb likes it too when we switch roles. He comes so hard I almost worry he’ll break my dick when I talk about breeding him. He comes inside me so many times I lose count over the course of my heat.
I lose track of time entirely. The outside world will have to wait. Nothing beyond our bed matters when I get to have my fondest fantasy coming true. I get to share a natural heat with my mate. We can worry about how and why and what it means later. For now, I savor every drop of pleasure with the shifter I love. My inner omega and inner raccoon and every part of me utterly content to be tucked up safe in our den with Seb.