Chapter 23
Jayden Allen
T he frozen air hits my skin, goosebumps crawl up my arms despite the layers I have on.
I blow into my palms, creating more heat. The cement path has been neglected, overrun with weeds and grass. I follow the winding path, a sombre silence cast over the cemetery grounds with no one besides the departed souls to keep me company.
Christmas spirit doesn’t exist in a place of death and grief. I wanted to stay away, unable to face my ex-girlfriend’s grave. The last time I was here was during the funeral, four years ago. I haven’t been able to face my fears head-on, but this year is different.
I grip my jacket tighter, clinging to the warmth and security it offers.
I stop in front of Allison’s headstone, collapsing to my knees.
They dig into the wet, muddy grass, the squelch echoing around me.
Tears prick the corner of my eyes, begging to slip down my cheeks.
I reach out, dragging my palm over the cold headstone.
“I’m sorry.” The words fall from my tongue with ease.
“I’m sorry, it has taken me so long to come back.
I have so many things to say.” I swallow.
“I suppose I should apologise again. You were right, as usual.” A choked laugh escapes me.
“I never saw it, or maybe I did but tried my best to ignore it.”
Meadow Beach – Five Years Ago
“Alli, you have nothing to worry about,” I say, trying to reassure her.
An angry rumble leaves her chest. “But I do! I’m not an idiot, I can see there is something between the two of you.”
“There is nothing and never will be anything between Willow and I.”
Alli’s hands cover her face, a quiet sob falling into them. I rush over to her, wrapping my arms around her neck. I place a kiss against her hair, letting my lips linger there for a moment.
Allison pulls back, her red, puffy eyes staring into mine. “I’m not trying to be a jealous girlfriend, you know I don’t care who you are friends with. But Willow is different. It may look like you’re at each other’s throats half the time, but something simmers in your eyes when you look at her.”
I ignore the tightening in my chest.. I never told her that Willow and I were each other’s first kiss, even though I probably should. But I worry that will make this situation worse.
“Alli,” I whisper. “I love you. My future is with you,”
“Okay. I believe you.”
Meadow Beach — Present
Sobs escape my throat, growing louder in the silence. I grab my chest, trying to remember how to fucking breathe. The tears fall freely, and I let them.
My body trembles, sinking further into the ground. I can’t intervene, the ache consuming my heart like it did when Alli died in my arms.
This memory is attached to the worst day of my life. The last words I said to Alli were fucking lies. She placed her faith in me, and I betrayed it.
I betrayed it then, and I’m still doing it now. I wanted Alli to stay that day, but she needed to head home before going to a family party.
Later that night, when she called me to pick her up, I was there in a heartbeat. I was trying to multitask on the way home—trying to take care of her while she was drunk and drive at the same time. I didn’t see the other car coming until it was too fucking late.
Later, we found out the other driver was drink driving. Everyone told me I could stop blaming myself, but I couldn’t. In every scenario that played in my mind, it was my fault.
First the fight, then the accident. I couldn’t look at Willow for weeks afterwards.
“I’m so sorry,” I whimper, inhaling a deep breath.
I stare at the headstone, wiping the tears from my eyes and waiting for a sign that Alli is here with me.
“There is something between me and Willow. I don’t know what it is, but it’s the first time I’ve felt something other than lust since you.
I don’t think I could keep going if I lost Willow. ”
The thought strikes my heart, my head falling into the palms of my hands. I’m falling and I’m terrified there won’t be a way out. I close my eyes before looking up to Allison’s name.
“I will always love you, Alli.” I swallow before continuing. “But it’s time to go.”
***
C hristmas Day is overwhelming at Meadow Beach.
Children are trampling each other, racing to the tree to see what presents were left. The adults laugh, but are surviving on limited sleep and multiple cups of coffee.
I'm wearing a Santa hat and sitting on the wooden floor next to the tree. These days, I’m always tasked with handing out the presents, but I don’t mind.
Mum and Dad are returning from the kitchen with trays that hold food and drinks. They place them on the coffee table that has been moved to the right side of the tree, so there is more room for everyone.
My mum doesn’t have any siblings, but that doesn’t matter because my dad has two younger sisters, Emma and Payton. They are both married with two kids, all of whom love Christmas.
Emma and her husband, Dante, are sharing the largest couch with Payton and Kaleb, her husband. Willow and Cameron are joined by Jaz and Theo on the floor with the youngest kids ready to swarm me.
Finally, Willow’s parents, Miranda and Richard, are standing behind the beige couches, next to my parents.
“Can we please do presents now?” Katie–Payton and Kaleb’s youngest asks.
With a yes from all the parents, I start handing out presents. It doesn’t take long until we are drowning in wrapping paper, and the room is filled with boisterous kids. Safe to say, they are happy with their presents.
Eventually, the kids migrate into the second lounge room upstairs, wanting to play with all the toys they unwrapped. The adults remain, so we can complete our Secret Santa. These days, that is the easiest way to organise presents for one another.
This year, I pulled Willow’s name.
It took me a while to figure out what to buy her. The first thing I thought of was a vibrator, but then I realised she would have to open in front of our parents, so that wasn’t happening.
Then, I walked past a jeweller on my weekly grocery shop. Willow wears a charm bracelet every day, with the only exception being game days. After an hour of searching the shop, I found the perfect charm: a woman holding a hockey stick.
I open my present, laughing because I immediately know who it’s from. “Thanks, Jaz.”
My sister’s jaw drops in disbelief. “How did you know it was me?”
I can’t stop laughing. “I’m holding socks that have your face on them.”
Jaz rolls her eyes, shrugging her shoulders. “Well, you said you needed more socks.”
I shake my head, but my eyes lock onto Willow’s hands when she picks up her gift. She is the last one. Willow carefully unwraps the ribbon and slides the box open.
She gasps. “Holy shit. It’s beautiful.”
“What is it?” Jaz leans over her shoulder, a smile on her lips. “Wow. That’s perfect. Want me to put it on your bracelet?”
She nods, extending her arm toward Jaz. I don’t look away from the two women, eyes lingering on Willow’s wrist.
She must feel my gaze because she turns to face me. Willow’s smile is soft, a hint of her dimples showing, and it is fucking everything.
Something jumps inside me, and I wish I could hate the feeling. I want to be the one Willow smiles for—with.
To be honest, I’ll take whatever she will fucking give me.
***
T he wooden ladder that leads into our treehouse has become flimsy over time. I ignore the creaks, pulling myself up and into the extremely small space.
My eyes widen and body tenses as I reach the platform. Willow has beaten me up here.
“Can I join?”
She nods. I squeeze through the minuscule doorway, taking a seat on Willow’s left. The treehouse is the best place to watch the fireworks display if you decide not to attend the beach party. I suppose we had the same idea.
“Not up for a party?” I ask.
Willow laughs. “No, I’m surprised I’m still awake, to be honest. Those cousins of yours are wild.”
Just like you.
I push away the rogue thought. “They’re pretty rough, I’ll say. They could inflict more bruises than hockey players.”
“I blame Theo. He taught them football last Christmas, which was clearly a big mistake.”
“Yeah,”
Silence consumes the space, the air fizzling and cracking. We keep our heads straight, listening to the echoing voices from the beach.
Jaz and I are lucky, growing up, the beach was practically our backyard.
“Ten…nine…eight…” The countdown travels to my ears.
Cautiously, I flick my eyes to Willow. Our gazes collide. Was she already looking at me?
There are inches between us, and I’d love nothing more than to close the space, brushing my lips against hers. We already broke the rules when we were babysitting Daisy, what is one more time?
Willow moves closer to me, and my stomach tangles. I’m fucking praying that I’m not the only one thinking about breaking the stupid rules.
There is barely an inch of space between us, my self-control is hanging by a thread, begging to fucking snap. My thumb grazes her cheek, but the fireworks interrupt.
I inhale sharply, jumping back. Willow does the same. Her hazel eyes widen, and a pink hue is forming on her cheeks, but before I can get a better look, she turns to the window, focusing on the firework display.
Fuck. We nearly kissed. Again. Flicking my eyes closed, I shake my head.
I’m a fucking goner.