Chapter 33
Willow Rogers
“ I commend you for coming in today, Willow.”
Dr Gray’s praise is soft and I welcome it. She is an older lady with short black hair, a plain white tee shirt and colour, patterned pants. Her office is cozy–the perfect atmosphere for people to embrace their emotions in a safe place.
I sink into the navy couch, praying that this will be exactly that, a safe place. I thought about running away and not coming to this appointment, but since our games on the weekend my past is playing heavily on my mind.
At the moment, I’m putting it down to the fact that big changes are coming, and I can no longer bury the emotions and trauma I’ve experienced.
It’s time I face my fears.
“Thank you,” I pause, swallowing. “I admit I wasn’t going to come, but I’ve bottled my emotions up for too long. And now I might have ruined something good,”
Dr Gray smiles. “Let’s start with why you came in, then we can work our way back.”
“Okay. For the past five months, I have been in a…” I pause, searching for the right word. “Situationship, I guess. We’ve known each other for most of our lives but we used to hate each other,”
“Hate is a strong word,” Dr Gray comments.
“Okay, maybe dislike is better. We always seemed to clash, which is part of the reason we started–” I stop. Am I seriously about to talk about my sex life?
Dr Gray chuckles. “So, it was meant to be only sex?”
My cheeks flush slightly. “Yes, we had rules but I suppose it didn’t matter in the end.”
I pick at my fingernails, bringing them to my lips. I sniffle, my mind flashing pictures of Jayden. It feels real like I could reach out and touch him.
I couldn’t help but cling to him on the weekend after he introduced me to two icons of women’s hockey. Sarah and Logan have represented American at the Winter Olympics and not to mention playing in the league in Canada until it folded a few years ago.
There is a chance for me to play professional hockey, and I can’t help but attribute it to my move to Lakewood. Coach West and Harris have pushed me further than any other coach has, while I built undeniable friendships with my team.
Then, there is Jayden.
“Willow?”
I snap up, eyes meeting Dr Gray. “Sorry.”
She offers a soft smile. “Don’t apologise. Where did your mind go? If you don’t mind me asking?”
I swallow. “Jayden, the guy I was sleeping with, we are teammates, playing for the Lakewood Hawks. On the weekend, we played the first round of finals. We won and now we are through to the semi-finals.”
“Congrats, that’s an amazing achievement.”
“Thank you.” I bite my bottom lip. “He introduced me to these female hockey players, who are scouting talent for a new league. The PWHL. They want me to join them next year.”
“That’s an incredible opportunity. How do you feel about that?”
“Good. Excited,” A stray tear sliding down my cheek. “I just don’t understand. Jayden, with the help of our coach, still did that for me. After I ran away from him.”
“Okay. Why did you run away?”
“He…he told me he loves me.” I say through choked sobs.
“Take a deep breath,” Dr Gray says, offering me a box of tissues. “Everyone reacts to these situations differently, besides, I can tell you are still holding onto something. Would you like to tell me about it?”
I wipe my cheeks, sucking in deep breaths. “Yeah,” I mutter. “I had a really shitty ex when I was eighteen. He was controlling and tried to change me into someone I’m not.”
Dr Gray nods but doesn’t say anything. So, I continue: “I broke it off after getting into university in Nevada. But the cycle began again when I met my then teammates,”
Inhale. Exhale.
“I made the mistake of having sex with one of my teammates and even after the first red flags appeared, I stayed. I let him lash out at me, abuse me with his awful words until I became someone I didn’t recognise. It reached the point where I believed everything, he said about me.”
“You’re too loud, Willow.”
“You won’t get anywhere playing hockey.”
“I’m sure you have fucked everyone on the team.”
“Be quiet. No one cares about your opinion.”
The words cycle through my mind for what feels like hours. My sobs drown out everything else, until Dr Gray’s voice cuts through. “Willow, it’s okay.” I look up to meet her eyes. “What you went through is traumatic and it’s understandable that you are scared to love again,”
Love. Do I love Jayden? I…I don’t know what love feels like anymore. Words are stuck in my throat and despite my pleas, they won’t leave.
“Tell me, Willow. What do you hope to get out of this session and anything in the future?”
“I guess I want to acknowledge what happened in the past and start to move on.”
“Okay, that’s a great start.”
Our session continues and things are beginning to click in my mind. But all I have are more questions. We don’t have time to go over them, and I don’t bring them up. I leave Dr Gray’s office, finding the contact I need.
Me:
Hey, any chance your free to talk?
Jazmine Allen:
Of course. Come to my house.
***
S tanding before Jazmine’s door has every intrusive thought fighting their way into my head, overwhelming me until I can’t breathe.
The echo of my pounding heart is rampant, blocking out every other sound. I tap my knuckles against the door and it swings open immediately.
Despite their different appearances, when I lock onto Jaz, all I can see is Jayden. His green eyes, boring into my soul.
“He just— “I pause, my chest rising as I try to breathe. My lips quiver and eyes sting from crying the whole way here.
“Willow. Take a deep breath. Tell me what you see?”
Jaz links our hands together, squeezing tightly. I gasp in a breath, my vision slowly returning to normal. “I see you.”
My best friend smiles. “What can you feel? List them,”
“Your fingers.” I hiccup. “There really cold by the way." Jaz chuckles. "And my chest. I feel it…it’s tight, hard to breath.”
“Slow, deep breaths. Do it with me,” Jaz says. She models the breathing, and I follow. Jazmine pulls me into a hug. “Come, sit down.”
She leads me to her lounge, offering a stuffed animal to me. I stare at it, puzzled by why she is giving it to me.
“Hugging a cute dog is supposed to help calm your heart rate. At least it works for me, especially when Theo isn’t around.”
I take the stuffed animal and squeeze it like my life depends on it. Tears continue to fall down my cheeks, the silence in the room makes the noise inside me louder. Too loud. Fuck. What have I done?
The words that have been on the tip of my tongue fall out, the wall I’ve built crumbling. “He loves me and I just walked away. Why am I such a bitch to him? I always have been. Why— “
“—Hey! Stop right there.” Jaz says, interrupting me. “Don’t blame yourself. Blame those boys who played with your mind so much you began—and still are—believing their words.”
She follows her words with a hug and I melt into her embrace. Jaz doesn’t say anything, she lets me cry into her shoulder like I did in high school after my first break up. Palms rub circles on my back, tension disappearing by the second.
“I’m sorry for being really harsh last time we spoke,”
I pull back. “No, don’t apologise. Honestly, you said what I needed to hear. The past few weeks have been enlightening. I came from my therapy appointment and I’m beginning to realise some things.”
“That’s great, Willow.”
“I always try to compare Jayden to the men in my past because I’m scared of being hurt.” I swallow the bulge growing in my throat. “I don’t want to wake up one day and see Jayden leaving because my shine has worn off. That I’m…just someone he was using until the one comes along.”
Jaz’ eyes soften. “Where did that thought come from?”
I look away, searching the lounge room for something to hook my gaze. Jazmine’s cool fingertips graze my shoulder and I flinch.
“I’m a lot to handle and I know I act like it doesn’t bother me when people say it, but it does. Kyle–”
“–Kyle was a fucking idiot.” Jaz seethes before taking a breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt but your worth so much more than what a fucking man has to say.”
“That’s the thing, I know,” I say, feeling deflated. “It’s just hard to forget.”
“I understand. Let’s revisit something you said before though,”
I scrunch my eyes together. “What?”
Jaz chuckles. “You implied you wanted to be waking up next to Jayden. So, ignoring the fact that he is my brother, describe what you feel when you’re with him.”
My mouth opens, but I shut it quickly. I do want to wake up next to Jayden. “Okay, I feel energetic, everything with him is fun and easy.” Another word comes to mind when I pause. “Safe.”
All I can see is Jayden wrapped around me, our limbs intertwined. His body heat radiating onto me and even if I was overheating, I wouldn’t pull away.
I love his touches, the sensations he causes by merely grazing his calloused fingers across my skin. Safe .
That’s what I crave.
Jayden is like a personal safety blanket. I can’t help but laugh. All these thoughts begin to sink in. Deep .
They burrow underneath my skin, invading my bloodstream to find their home: my heart.
I gasp. “I’m in love with your brother.” The words taste foreign leaving my lips.
I smile, watching as Jaz does the same. “Took you long enough,”
“Oh no,” The reality of my words slams into me.
“What?” Jaz says, worry lacing her tone.
“I’m in love with Jayden Allen,”
Jaz’s shoulders drop, a breath of relief falling from her mouth. Then, she breaks into laughter.
“Hey, this is serious,” I say, unable to hide my smile. “How did this even happen?”
“Well, in my experience, sometimes you don’t know it’s love. The concept is difficult to understand and hard to put into words when you tend to think things through logically. Then, I truly saw the little things Theo would do for me. And not because he had to, because he wanted to.”
I smile, thinking back to my moments with Jayden. He does those little things too and I fucking love it. I love him.
“So, all I’m hearing is we will officially be sisters.”
I chuckle, but my smile falters. “That’s if I can convince Jayden to take me back,”
“Ha! That’s hilarious,”
“What?”
“Willow,” Jaz says softly. “My brother is obsessed with you. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Just tell him how you feel,”
I shake my head. “No, that’s not enough." I swallow, my gaze falling to the floor as I mutter. "He deserves more.”
***
I park my car out the front of the Hockey House, sitting in the silence. How to get Jayden to forgive me?
I meant what I said to Jaz. I want to tell him–no, show him we belong be together. I don’t grovel, especially for men.
After talking to Jaz, she reminded me of something. I never needed a man to define my worth, but somehow over the past few years, that’s what I’ve done. In saying that, if Jayden asked me to get on my knees and beg, I would. Not very feminist of me, I know.
Swallowing, I gain the strength to enter the house. The door creaks, echoing into the darkness, while every stair groans under my feet. I stop in my tracks as I hit the second floor. Jayden is lingering in the space between our bedrooms, hands reaching for my door.
Hope grows in my chest. Maybe he is waiting for me? The air is tense and silence all-consuming, but I can’t look away. Jayden moves first, turning toward his room.
“Jayden, wait.” I say, grabbing his wrist.
He faces me, with a heaving chest and straight lips. “Yes?”
Fuck. What do I say? I wasn’t prepared for the moment to happen so quickly. “I–I want to say sorry for running away.” My voice is shaky, but as I look into Jayden’s eyes, my fears begin to melt and my racing heart slows. “And that, I’m going to win you back. I want you to be mine,”
Jayden jerks back, surprised at my comment. His mouth opens, forming an O, yet he says nothing.
I put my hands up. “You don’t have to say anything now, just know that I’m going to show you what you mean to me.”
Jayden offers a soft smile and I want to jump up and down. Better yet, run into his arms and stay there forever. But I don’t.
I turn on my heels, forcing myself into my room. I fall asleep with ease for the first time in weeks, despite the excitement flowing through my body like tomorrow is Christmas Day.