Chapter 20
DOMINIC
My throat is burning. I’m not sure of much at the moment, but I do know that. I smack my lips together, which hurts since they’re so dry.
“Hey,” a silky voice says from beside me. “Thirsty?”
I grunt in response, my lips parting farther. I feel the straw when it hits my tongue and desperately start sucking the cool liquid down my throat.
“Slow down,” the voice says. “If you drink too much, you’ll get sick.”
My eyes flutter open and hovering above me is the face of an angel. An angel with long dark hair and different-colored eyes. “Where am I?” I ask in a very scratchy grating voice.
She tells me I’m at her house, that I’ve been drugged by a woman named Gemma.
Gemma! As soon as I hear the name, my memories come flooding back.
I felt a pinch on the back of my neck while standing outside my trailer. The next thing I knew, Gemma was flying? No, that can’t be right. Maybe she was dancing. Yeah, dancing around me in a tight navy-blue dress, telling me to relax so we could have fun. And then…there’s not much beyond that.
Lindsay starts crying as she holds my hand. “I was so worried about you when you didn’t come to the talent show.”
I pinch my eyes shut. “I fucking missed it?” I ask, devastated. “Unbelievable. How’d Jules do?”
“They won second place.”
“That’s great.” Then realization hits. “Did she wonder where I was?”
She nods. “I told her you weren’t feeling well, which isn’t untrue.”
Shame sits like a boulder in my gut. “I’m so sorry, Lindsay. I wanted to be there. I made––”
“I know,” she says, cutting me off. “I found the sign in your truck.”
I lift my hand to cup her cheek. “Why are you crying? I’m okay, lioness.”
The nickname makes her cry harder. “I’m sorry, Nic. I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“What do you mean?”
She swallows, as if summoning the courage to say what she’s about to.
“You don’t have to tell me anything about your past, okay?
If it’s hard for you to talk about, then don’t talk about it.
I’ll still love you. I don’t care. I love you now, and nothing will change that.
Just don’t leave me again. Never leave.”
Her forehead drops to my chest, and I can feel my heart breaking beneath my bones.
She’s giving me so much of herself, all because she was worried about me.
If I truly love her as much as I say I do, as much as I think I do, then I owe it to her to reveal the truth.
I can only hope that she still has enough love left in her to forgive me.
I spot my phone on the table beside the bed. “Can you give me my phone, please? I need to show you something.”
She looks up at me, eyes bloodshot and snot running down her nose. I want to tattoo this image on the inside of my eyelids so I never forget how radiant she is. Then she hands me my phone.
It doesn’t take long to dig up the well-hidden file. I never go near it, but I could never forget what’s inside. I click on the video in the folder and hand the phone back to her, willing my thumping heart to slow down.
“Press play whenever you’re ready.”
She does, and I hear the unmistakable sound of me screaming. There’s a clanging of chains against thick steel bars, and the bizarre, inhuman groan that falls out of me and everyone else newly infected with the virus.
I don’t look at her while she’s watching it. I can’t.
I hear her gasp when Dr. Yates uses a cattle prod to shock me through the cage, and a strangled whimper when the footage changes to me in a medical chair, my arms and legs strapped down. This was months after the cage clip, when I regained my ability to speak.
“What did you do?” Dr. Yates asks.
“I don’t know,” I say through ragged sobs.
“Yes, you do. Tell me.”
She pokes me with the cattle prod and I shout, “I killed people!”
“How many people?”
Another shock.
“Ah!” I howl in pain, bucking against my restraints. “Three! My br-brother.”
Another shock.
“Who else?”
“The two cops who found us.”
“How did you kill them?”
Another shock.
“Ah, please! Not again. I’ll tell you whatever you want.”
“How?”
“I-I ripped their heads off!”
“Then what?” Dr. Yates’s tone is cold and firm.
“I ate them,” I mutter, voice lowering a few octaves without the additional shock. “I ate their brains. Th-then I left their bodies to rot.”
The video stops.
I still can’t open my eyes. I don’t want to see the look of disgust and horror twisting Lindsay’s beautiful features. It’ll crush me.
“You can go if you want,” I say, barely louder than a whisper. “I’ll understand if you want to go.”
I hear my phone being put down on the table, then I feel her forehead pressed against mine, her breath hot and sweet as it fans my lips. “Hey. Look at me.”
I open my eyes to find hers filled with longing. It’s not at all what I expected.
“I’m not afraid of you, Dominic. Do you hear me?” She pulls back to hold my gaze. “Is that what you were worried about? Me seeing that and, what, running away?”
Does she really have to ask? “Well, yeah.”
She shakes her head. “That video isn’t scary.
It’s fucking devastating. What you went through…
” she trails off, trying to hold the tears back.
“I’m just so sorry you had to survive that.
That you have to carry this guilt around for something you don’t remember doing.
For something you did when you weren’t even you. ”
“That’s an excuse,” I explain. “You can’t excuse this, Lindsay. I killed people. Didn’t you hear me? Two cops. My brother. I killed my brother.”
“No,” she insists. “You chased a violent need to stay alive while a virus ravaged your body and robbed you of coherent thought. Don’t compare what you did to a drunk driver or whatever. It’s not the same.”
“But the result is the same.” I pull out of her grasp, frustrated that she’s ignoring the most important part of it. “Those three are still dead, and they wouldn’t be if it weren’t for me.”
At that, she nods, and I feel like I’m getting through to her.
“That may be true, but that person in the cage, that…thing, it wasn’t you, and I don’t care if you agree with me or not.
You’re not without flaws, okay? I’ll admit that, but you were clearly someone else when you did that, and you’re in no way that same person today.
I know your secret now. I watched the video with my own eyes, and I don’t love you any less. ”
“How?” I demand. “How?”
“If anything, I love you even more.”
“This is lunacy.”
“Nope,” she says, pressing a kiss to my palm. “It’s love.”
“Ugh.” I roll my eyes. “I won’t let you do this. You can’t forgive me.”
She laughs. “Oops, too late. I already did.”
Then she runs her fingers through my hair, and selfish monster that I am, I lean into her touch when I know the right thing to do is pull away.
“Listen, I’m not trying to make light of their deaths. It’s incredibly tragic, and it shouldn’t have happened. Nothing could ever make up for that loss.”
“Finally, you see sense.”
“But would you like to know why it was so easy to forgive you?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Why?”
“Because no amount of jail time, torture, or even an eternity in hell will punish you as much as you continue to punish yourself, and likely will until your time on this mortal plane is over. And even then, it won’t bring those three back to life.
That’s your burden to carry, but from where I’m sitting, I see a man trying to learn and grow and do better every single day.
You take every opportunity to help your community.
You’re a loyal friend, and a wonderful, generous partner.
” She pauses, holding me in her gaze. “Whoever that guy in the cage was, he’s gone. You need to let him go.”
My voice cracks as I ask, “How?”
“For starters, you can start leaning on me for help. You’re not alone in the world anymore, Nic.
I can help you make sure you never lose yourself.
I should probably get on a Zoom call with Dr. Yates so I can fully understand your medication, the side effects, and what to do if you run out, things like that.
Also, the brain powder. I want to make sure we always have a lot of it in the house. ”
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. Eventually, I pull Lindsay into the bed next to me and let myself fall apart in her arms. She holds me the entire time, rubbing my back and whispering I love yous into my ear.
When the tears subside, she asks, “So, any other secrets you’d like to share?”
I almost shake my head no, but then I remember. “Yes, actually.” I turn to face her. “You should know that I’m bisexual.”
She cackles. “No shit. Me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought I heard Natalie tell Vyla you were straight.”
“Oh,” she replies, confused. “Natalie might not know, come to think of it. It’s not something I talk about or share on social media. But yeah, I’m as bi as a bottlenose dolphin.”
My eyebrows lift. “Bottlenose dolphin?”
“Yeah, they’re famously bisexual.”
Huh. Who’da thunk?
“Have you dated men in the past?”
I nod. “One before the change, and one during my recovery, before Dr. Yates released us. Though, both were more casual hookups than serious relationships.” It feels good to get that off my chest. I didn’t expect Lindsay to judge me for it, but you never know.
Bisexual men aren’t as widely accepted as bisexual women. “What about you?” I ask. “Any secrets?”
“Ooh,” she says, rubbing her palms together.
“Let’s see…I’ve gotten Botox on my forehead, and I might want to do it again someday.
Once, I pretended my cat died to get out of a really bad date.
Um…” She continues, listing them on her fingers now.
“I pierced my sister’s ears with a thumbtack, they got infected, and I told my parents her friend did it.
Sometimes I forget to wash my legs in the shower, and, oh!
I’ve been known to flirt with the employees at Wendy’s so they’ll give me free fries. ”
I sit there, awestruck, trying to absorb her list of offenses.
“What do you think? Can you still love a monster like me?”
I gently nip at the tip of her nose. “Nothing could ever make me stop.”