Chapter 22
Lindsey
I spend a few hours Saturday afternoon during her slow time at the bookstore going over wedding ideas with Bronwyn, and every ribbon, flower and seating decision reminds me of how far my own life is from unsettled.
My mind shifts to last night's conversation with Madi and Kace, and my heart squeezes, remembering the girl's heartbreaking question.
Kace looked taken aback, and he asked for time, but then he countered by asking if she'd like for him to check into guardianship. He explained that it would mean filling out paperwork, going to court, and probably having a few home visits from Child Protective Services.
She went quiet, so Kace ended the discussion by simply telling her to think about it and to let him know.
We said goodnight to Madi, and then I practically raced to my bedroom before Kace could point out our kiss was a mistake.
Again.
I got it. I don't need him to say it over and over.
"Are you feeling okay? I'm sorry. I'm going on and on about the wedding stuff, and I haven't even asked how you're feeling," Bronwyn says, concern pulling her eyebrows over her nose.
"I'm fine. It was a rough night."
"You were sick?"
I shake my head, and because I am so rarely at the bookstore without Madi, I shrug and decide Bronwyn needs to know what happened with the girl. If for no other reason than the fact Madi's mom could appear out of nowhere, and there might be an issue.
I explain about getting up to go to the bathroom when I heard Madi crying and the conversation that followed.
"That poor girl."
I nod. "I can't imagine. But it also makes me think too. This baby—the timing sucks, and the pregnancy has completely derailed my life, but I don't ever want it to feel like Madi. She broke my heart. It was… I just wanted to crawl into her bed and hug her so she'd feel safe."
Just like I wish someone would hug me and tell me the same thing. I am a strong, independent woman, but sometimes I just need a hug, dang it. Someone to lean on, even if only for a moment. To take my weight and squeeze me tight and let me pretend I'm not all alone.
"You are going to be a great mom. The fact that you recognize Madi's struggle and want to make sure your baby doesn't feel that way? Lindsey, that's everything."
Bronwyn stretches out her hand and takes mine, squeezing it gently and giving me a look of reassurance.
I wish I could feel as confident, but I don't. I'm still in the what-am-I-doing stage that's running parallel with panic at not having found a home or job or any of the other necessities needed to be a single mom.
"It's not, though. How do I know I'm not going to screw this kid up like—like Madi's mom? "
Bronwyn grasps my other hand now, holding both, and gives me such an intense, frowning glare that I blink in surprise. This Bronwyn doesn't come out that often, and when she does, she's fierce.
"You know because you are not cruel or selfish. Linds, you're worrying about the baby's well-being and it's not even here yet. That's being a good parent. Now stop worrying. It's not good for the baby."
Two hours later, I insist Bronwyn take a walk with me along the boardwalk and beach. It's a gorgeous evening, and the breeze keeps the otherwise unbearable heat away.
We're one house away from Mary Elizabeth's when I see Mary Elizabeth waiting on her porch, looking beautiful in a bright flowy dress and sparkling necklace.
She waves at us, and I wave back.
"Girls, come say hello!"
Bronwyn smiles and glances at me.
"Is that okay? Do you feel up to it?"
"I feel fine." It's a bit of a white lie because I'm feeling nauseated as always, but I'm determined to muddle through and do my duties as maid of honor. "Let's go."
By the time we get to the porch, Mary Elizabeth is beaming from ear to ear as she welcomes us.
I follow Bron up the porch steps, waiting my turn to hug the dear woman and see her wink at me over Bronwyn's shoulder.
"This day calls for some lemonade. Let's go inside."
Mary Elizabeth opens the door and holds it for Bronwyn. The moment Bronwyn is over the threshold, everyone inside screams, "Surprise!"
Bronwyn is angled enough that I can see her expression, and I laugh when she turns to me with an incredulous stare.
"How did you manage this?"
"Oh, I had help, trust me," I say as I give Mary Elizabeth a side hug. "I've barely been allowed to do anything."
"You've been such a dear to all of us," Mary Elizabeth says, "and we wanted to help Lindsey with the planning to celebrate your big day."
"Oh, my gosh. Thank you! All of you! This is amazing."
While Bronwyn makes the rounds and says hello to the guests, I head for the bathroom, hoping some cold water on my face and wrists might help keep my stomach from revolting. The ladies went all out on food, but the scents are already crawling under my skin.
I should be out there helping distribute game items since I'm the one in charge of those, but I take a few more minutes to myself away from the crowd of women with their perfumes and sunscreens, and the food.
Back into the fray, I smile and greet the ladies I've already met—like Zoey—and get introduced to far too many more with names I'll never remember.
My head whirls the majority of the time because the scents are so strong, and I find myself ducking into the bathroom or outside to breathe, but of course doing so is only a Band-Aid. I inevitably wind up christening Mary Elizabeth's beautiful downstairs bath as only a pregnant woman can.
The party goes on without me, thankfully. But when I emerge, I see the Babes and Zoey and Bronwyn watching me with concern. I manage a smile and join Madi, who is passing out pens for the last of the bridal games. "Madi, thank you so much."
"You okay?"
"I am, because I know you're doing such a great job."
Madi beams at me. "It's been fun. I've never been to a party like this."
I've basically missed the entire event and hogged the downstairs bathroom and feel awful about it. But I'm also so very grateful the Babes and Madi have kept everything going while I was indisposed.
With flare I now associate going hand in hand with the Babes, we wrap up the games amid laughter and toasts. Bronwyn opens her gifts as the ladies eat their cake and cookies, and then…it's over.
As the guests disperse, Zoey joins me where I'm cleaning up left-behind plates and cups.
"So how are you?" Zoey says to me.
"Fine," I say for what had to be the millionth time. "Even though I spent most of the party in the bathroom and missed the fun."
Zoey leans close and nudges my shoulder with hers.
"Are you sure you're okay? Have you been to the doctor yet? I think you've lost weight since I last saw you."
"Not yet. I've called," I say when I see her about to protest, "and I have an appointment scheduled. It's just morning sickness. Or I should say, it's just morning, noon and night sickness. I'm fine, though. Really."
I must not be very convincing, given the expression on Zoey's face.
"Just don't overdo it, please. Your body is going through a lot and so is your mind and emotions. That’s massive amounts of change in a very short amount of time. Be easy on yourself."
"Trust me, once the Babes learned my plan to throw a shower for Bronwyn, I barely had to lift a finger."
She laughs at that.
"Well, my mother and her friends do tend to take over. They've got a reputation for party snatching."
I smile at the description and gather what I can before moving to the kitchen. Madi leaves Dani playing with the Babes' abundant grandchildren. I recognize some of them from their visits to the bookstore.
In no time flat, the house is back to rights, and I find myself under scrutiny once again as the ladies turn from the bride to—me, the expectant mother. My secret is out thanks to my bathroom-hogging and Dani's candor.
"Lindsey, are you feeling better?"
I turn to see Allie Blackwell staring at me, concern etched into her features.
"Yes, everyone, please. I'm fine. Stop fussing. It's just…"
"Nonstop morning sickness," Bronwyn answers for me.
I notice a few gazes slip to my left hand, as though looking for a ring, but the news is greeted with nothing but smiles and words of congratulations. "Thanks. It was a surprise. One I'm still getting used to, frankly."
"I remember morning sickness all too well," Allie, the mother of four, says. "And I had the weirdest cravings."
"No cravings yet," I say.
"Because she can't keep anything down," Bronwyn adds.
The next ten minutes are filled with the ladies' tips on how to combat morning sickness and a few tales from the Babes' days as new or expectant mothers.
"It's been hard to keep food down," I agree.
"But, really. I'm fine." I feel like a broken record.
Gabe and Kace both made the same observation about my appearance earlier when Gabe showed up to stay with Kace and keep him company during the festivities.
I'm starting to feel like a circus freak because of the stares I'm receiving, and it's unnerving.
Bronwyn slides some samples from Itty-Bitty Bakery across the counter toward me.
"Anything appeal?"
I eye the treats and settle on a plain butter cookie, thinking maybe the blandness would be better than the rich and decadent chocolates. "Thanks."
Bronwyn seems satisfied that I've at least chosen something to nibble and goes back to chatting with her friend, Amelia. The topic turns back to the bride, who discusses the upcoming wedding and now the small event has grown larger because so many people want to come celebrate the happy couple.
The Babes and their families, Gabe's firehouse crew and their plus-ones, as well as patrons who insist they'd better get an invitation. The wedding has now been moved outside to the beach, with a reception to follow inside the bookstore.
Love, flowers, family, forever—nice in theory. But harder to swallow when the only thing my body seems willing to keep down is regret.