Chapter 28
Lindsey
I sleep like the dead once I'm at the hospital and given a combination of fluids and antinausea medication. It's like I can finally relax, and so my body does, nearly going comatose in the process.
I'm vaguely aware of Bronwyn and Kace and their quiet murmurs in my hospital room.
I was admitted, and the OB I was to meet with came to see me as part of the hospital staff.
The exam and ultrasound wore me out, but other than severe dehydration and confirmation that Kace was right and I do have hyperemesis gravidarum, the baby and I are deemed okay. At least for now.
The doctor explained I'll have to take antinausea meds and that the risk of miscarriage is higher due to the stress my body is under, but that given my immediate response to the medication and the drastic change, she hoped I wouldn't have too much trouble moving forward.
She warned it will probably happen again with future pregnancies, though.
So, something to look forward to.
Still, I'm so relieved by the news; I sink back into exhausted oblivion. I think Gabe visits briefly, but I don't rouse enough to care or talk, and instead, I revel in resting without that ever-present urge to be sick.
It's a glorious, deep, leave-me-alone-or-I'll-throat-punch-you sleep, and I'll never take it for granted again.
I think I've thrown up enough for a lifetime at this point.
I've been running on fumes and pushing through the fog and sickness for so long it had become second nature. Now that I see the difference?
Yeah, I have some self-care in my future.
Somehow. Between working for Kace and the girls and helping out at the bookstore when I can, I'm not sure there's a lot of time left in the day.
But I have to find it for my sake and my baby's. Being sick also put a question mark on working full-time but the doctor seemed positive with my rapid response to the medication. And if I get the job, I won’t be doing nearly as much of the other two so… .
I roll onto my back and stretch, lazily opening my eyes to see Kace in the chair a few feet away. His gaze is on me, and it warms the moment our eyes lock.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty. How do you feel?"
His voice unlocks all the warm and fuzzies I've been trying so hard to ignore and can't. "Fantastic, actually." I look away to find the clock across from me on the wall. "Is that morning or evening?"
He chuckles softly, and the sound warms my insides.
"Evening. You've slept the day away."
"Oh, wow. I'm sorry," I say as I try to shove myself up in the bed.
"No apologies. You were beyond exhausted, Linds. Why did you keep pushing yourself?"
I huff out a laugh because—for real? "What's the alternative? I can't just lie down and do nothing."
"I get that. But no job is worth getting sick over, sweetheart. I should've made you go to the hospital when we got back from the island. You should've gone to the doc before now, and I'm kicking myself that you've been too busy taking care of us to take care of yourself."
I can't argue that with any legitimacy, so I let the comment slide. "Well, I'm here now, and I'm fine. The doctor has me all fixed up. The medicine will keep the worst of the morning sickness at bay."
"It might. It might not," he says, his tone gravelly.
I pluck at the sheet to straighten it, telling myself I am not going to sit there and feel self-conscious about being naked beneath a hospital gown, looking like death warmed over in front of my too-handsome-for-his-own-good roommate and boss.
One whose voice is loaded with…something I can't quite name. Anger, yes. Some. But at me or himself? He's not responsible for me, but I can totally see Kace blaming himself for what happened all the same.
But it's more than that. There's a thread of…pain? Is that it? Unease? "You are not responsible for making decisions about me, big guy."
His phone rings, and he picks it up, frowning.
"It's a video call from the girls. You up for it, or should I decline?"
"No, answer it." I force a smile and nod, hating that I undoubtedly scared them, especially after what had happened on our trip.
I remember hearing Madi's voice while the EMTs were doing their assessment at the house, but I don't think Dani woke up during the chaos, thank goodness.
I watch as Kace gets up and hops to my bedside, sitting on the edge beside me as he swipes the screen. I revel in the warmth of his big body and the scent of him. After the chaos, it's most welcome. Like a surge of instant comfort.
Madi's stressed face appears, but it's Dani's inconsolable sobbing that leaves us both simultaneously asking, "What's wrong?"
Madi's gaze shifts on the screen like she's looking at me, and I force a weak smile and wave. "Hey, Madi. What's going on? Why is Dani crying?"
"Because you died!" Dani wails in the background.
"Mads?" Kace asks in a tight voice.
"Dani woke up last night as they put Lindsey in the ambulance, and she didn't go back to sleep, so we stayed up and watched a movie and stuff. Then she fell asleep this evening and had a bad dream where Lindsey…. I thought maybe if she saw you, she'd feel better."
Dani's tear-streaked face appears beside Madi's, and the little girl's expression breaks my heart. She's been crying for a while. And poor Madi has had to deal with it.
"I don't want you to die!"
"I didn't, Dani. I'm right here," I say.
"Dani-girl," Kace says softly, "it was only a dream. And see? Lindsey is feeling better."
I nod hurriedly and make a funny face for Dani, pulling energy from somewhere deep inside me. "I am. See? The doctor fixed me up and gave me medicine so I shouldn't get sick so much now. I'm fine, Dani. I'm so sorry I scared you. Please don't cry."
"No, no, no. You have to come home. I don't like the hospital. Please? Please come home."
Dani rubs her hands over her face and sniffles, but the tears keep flowing, and she doesn't falter with that oh-so-intense glare into the camera.
"You died. Daddy almost died in the fire, and then you died and they took you both away," she cries, fresh tears rolling hot and fast down her cheeks.
"Dani, honey, it was a bad dream," Kace says, seemingly at a loss as to how to get the point to hit home.
"I don't care!"
Kace opens his mouth, and I place my IVed hand on his arm to stop whatever man logic he's about to impart. I can tell from his expression he's tired and frustrated, and while he's great with Dani, he can't rationalize with a hysterical little girl.
"Bad dreams are so scary," I tell Dani. "They make bad things seem real, even when they're not.
But look at us, Dani. See? Your daddy is right here, and so am I.
I was really sick, but I'm okay now. Everything is going to be okay.
You hear me? Your daddy will be home soon, and you can snuggle up and watch a movie together and get all the kisses and cuddles you want to chase away the bad dream. "
"What about you?" she says, whining the word as fresh tears flowed. "If you're really okay, you come home, too. Daddy, make her come home. Bring Lindsey back."
My heart shatters, and tears fill my eyes, appearing too fast to blink them away. Emotions rock me, and suddenly my tears match those rolling down Dani's cheeks and filling Madi's beautiful gaze. "I can't come home just yet, Dani."
"Noooo! You have to come home!"
Dani's cries shatter me. All this time I considered myself a loner.
On my own in every way. I didn't know. I didn't even consider this as a possibility.
I didn't realize that my short stint as a caretaker would mean catching feelings, not only for the man sitting next to me but for these precious girls who were once strangers. Who hurt because of me.
I'm hurting Dani. I'm hurting Madi, too. That poor girl is the one at home alone dealing with her little cousin while Bronwyn works the store alone because I'm the problem.
Kace should be with his girls. Focusing on himself and healing. Not here with me. This isn't what I want. And I'm certain it's not what Kace wants for his girls, either. I can see it on his face.
That's what I heard in his voice when I woke up. That awareness is in his expression and how it tightens, and the way his hand fists over the phone so hard his knuckles are white. He's reconsidering our agreement, and…I don't blame him. Right now, I am too.
My heart pounds harder, feeling like it will burst out due to the force. One of us must address the problem before the girls are hurt more than they've already been, but I can't allow Kace to be the bad guy. To take the blame when Dani is already so upset.
But isn't that love? Doing the hard stuff even though it hurts?
Putting others before ourselves? I can't knowingly hurt them.
Not anymore than I already have. And I can't make this harder on Kace, because in the time I've spent with him, I've gotten to know him.
He'll feel guiltier if he has to call an end to our arrangement.
And I'll feel worse because of it.
I'm lost in a bubble of remorse as I hear Kace promise Dani he'll head home soon, and he teases her about something.
They chat a bit more, with Kace working some sort of daddy magic until Dani stops crying and soft giggles emerge from her chest instead.
I watch, numb, as those beautiful flashes of dimples crater her softly rounded cheeks.
And I listen. Heart aching. My body riddled with tension and sadness and painful knowing despite the fact I feel better now than I have in weeks thanks to the medicine.
The moment the call ends, Kace shoves his phone into a pocket and grasps his crutches. He shoves to his feet, body coiled tight from head to toe.
I falter over the words I need to say. "Kace, I'm s-sorry. I hate that Dani's so upset and having nightmares."
"Things will settle down eventually."
Kace's jaw locks, and I worry for his teeth. I pull my legs to my chest and hug them tight. "I'm sure they will but I think… I think…"
"Lindsey…"
We stop and stare at each other. I see his thoughts etched in his expression, and I inhale and lift my chin, determined despite the wobble in my voice when I rasp, "I think when I get out of here I should…move back in with Bronwyn."
The words emerge in a gush, but once they're out, I try to suck in a breath and can't. I part my lips, but nothing happens. No air in. None out. I can't even blink. Because, yeah, while I know I'm being proactive with my health and theirs, I feel as devastated as Dani right now.
Like I've lost the best thing to happen to me in ages because I can't get my act together.
It's true. I have lost them. Kace. The girls. The laughter and love of their special, blended family. I'm too much for them. My body and I and all that I bring into their world with my very presence is too much with everything else they have going on.
Kace is quiet. Too quiet. And in the silent seconds that follow, one thing becomes abundantly clear. He looks like he wants to protest my words, but he doesn't. He doesn't tell me not to be silly or that we'll discuss it later after I'm out of the hospital.
He doesn't argue that it's a bad idea and unnecessary.
And that says everything, doesn't it?
"Lindsey."
My name scrapes out of his throat. I hear his pain, but I see the truth on his face, and I brace myself.
"I appreciate all you've done for us. For me. But I think…I think that's a good idea."
I nod again and twist the sheet around my fingers. "The girls obviously need some space," I manage. "Dani's been through enough with her mom. And Mads. She shouldn't have to deal with more than she already is. Besides, we were temporary."
He wipes a hand over his face and looks away. Looks upset.
Like he wants to argue but can't. He's not a man who'd lie to soothe feelings. Not when it comes to something as important as this.
"It's not like you won't be around," he says softly. "At the bookstore and in our lives. It's just— I should've known living in such close quarters could get tricky."
My fingers are on fire with pain from being twisted in the sheet, but I twist harder, to put the pain there instead of inside me.
While a part of me knew or at least suspected his feelings, given his expression moments ago, the other part of me…is devastated. Which might be more of an indication that I'm in over my head as well.
And head over heels.
How is it possible to care so much already? Not only for the girls but for him? And yet here I am. Right back where I started. Rejected again. "I know."
It's all I can say, and it's a whisper at that. Because what else can I say? He's their father and uncle. We're temporary. And we'd agreed that with one word of discontent from either of us, our arrangement ends.
And this is it.
The end.
Unlike his girls, I'm not part of his world. His life. Their lives.
I'm the one who's an outcast here. And I've just been cast out.
I wanted safety. But it turns out safety looks an awful lot like being alone where hearts can't be broken.