Chapter 6
B y the end of the week, Ben had made important progress. He’d walked to the van unassisted. He’d gone out for more than one errand, riding along as Nell delivered flowers to several of his patients in a row. Last night, he’d gone outside by himself, after sundown, and walked himself to his car.
He’d sat inside the black luxury sedan by himself, not starting the ignition, but with both hands on the wheel. Practice for when he’d do it by himself next week.
He hadn’t made any progress in banishing his sudden, inconvenient attraction to Nell, however. And today was the last day of their delivery runs. She’d told him yesterday that Marco would be with her today, because his school had an inservice day. It was a good thing they wouldn’t be alone together. A very good thing, because otherwise he might do something stupid like ask her out.
She didn’t want that from him. And she shouldn’t. He was a dozen years older than her, and she’d been through a lot. It wouldn’t be right to ask for something she didn’t want to give, the very thing she’d told him from the start she would not do. Especially because he’d given her money.
Still, he caught himself staring a lot. At her striking eyes, the color of slate under a running river, gray and bright at the same time. He’d be in the middle of a sentence and forget what he’d meant to say, but luckily she hadn’t seemed to notice him trailing off. She stopped his brain.
He noticed everything about her now. Once he’d started, it was hard to stop. He noticed the sweep of her thick ponytail across her shoulders. Her long, elegant fingers. And she had the most amazing curves that he absolutely should not be watching at all as she ran up the steps to deliver flowers.
She’d never know his thoughts, and that was a good thing. He had a lot of practice hiding those, pretending to be calm on the outside when the inside of him was a brew of tension. Or in this case, a pure sensual fog.
In the close space of the van, her citrusy shampoo filled his nose, cutting through the scent of the flowers. His fingers itched to touch the velvet-smooth skin of her jaw.
This was very bad. He’d been so isolated, he’d latched onto the first person who’d been kind to him in months. That had to be the explanation. Except now he’d been out of the house five days in a row, he hadn’t seen anyone else remotely interesting.
He’d told her he was rarely attracted to anyone, which was true, and which had probably made her feel safe from any advances from him. He’d be the biggest hypocrite to turn around and ask to see her again after today.
No, today would be their final outing, and then they’d both return to their normal lives. Their time together was up, and after this, they wouldn’t see one another again.
So it was a good thing she would have Marco with her again in the delivery van today. Overall, a very good thing. On impulse, Ben grabbed both halves of a small geode off his display shelf and pocketed them before heading to the front door.
“I hope you don’t mind sharing the back seat with another passenger today,” Nell greeted him when he opened the door.
“Not at all.” His eyes ate her up, taking in every detail before he forced himself to look away. “How many stops do we have this morning?”
“Want to try for five?”
“Five it is.”
“He probably won’t talk to you. Marco.” She walked alongside him down the steps, matching his long strides. “He doesn’t talk to strangers very much. But if he does warm up to you, you’ll hear lots of facts about life on the ocean floor or fossils.”
“Ah, a future scientist.”
“Maybe so.” She smiled her sunshine smile at him, the genuine one, which he could now easily distinguish from the fake one. Her mouth was full and wide, her eyes crinkled at the corners.
He didn’t need to hold her arm as they walked anymore, which was good, because he also didn’t need the reminder of how she fit next to him, right at shoulder height. At this point, he wouldn’t be able to walk and feel her against him at the same time.
He slid into the back seat and found himself face to face with Nell’s second-grader, who sat in a booster seat printed with dinosaurs. Marco wore Hawaiian print board shorts and a red T-shirt, and he held a tablet in his lap, but ignored it in favor of staring at Ben. His expression wasn’t hostile, but it wasn’t friendly, either.
Ben swallowed his embarrassment at riding in the back seat like a child. Alone, it hadn’t felt so bad, but sitting next to Marco brought home the fact that he hadn’t been brave enough to face the front seat since the first day.
“Good morning,” Ben said.
Big brown eyes continued to stare at him, but Marco didn’t say a word. His black curls stuck out in every direction, overlong. Nell probably had a hard time making herself cut her son’s riotous hair, because she liked to make things grow.
“Marco, this is Ben,” Nell said. “I told you he’s been helping me do deliveries this week.”
“I heard you have the day off of school,” he told Marco.
Marco gave a tiny nod and put his headphones back on. He pressed play on the tablet and ignored both of them.
Nell glanced over her shoulder as she pulled the van away from the curb. “He doesn’t mean to be rude. He’s just shy.”
“I understand. It’s not a problem.”
“He was a tiny bit jealous of you. He asked me why he couldn’t come with me every day. He’s not the biggest fan of school.”
“Any particular reason?”
“He doesn’t talk a lot about it. But I know the kids teased him last year, about how he talks. He had speech delays when he was younger. He’s doing much better now with help from the speech therapist. He trips up on some words, but it only comes out when he’s stressed now.”
“The right therapy can make a big difference.”
“And how are you feeling today?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” Ben twisted to look at her. She couldn’t have guessed all the inappropriate thoughts he’d been having. Usually he was harder to read.
“I just meant you’ve done a lot of new things this week,” she said. “And this is our last day.”
“I feel better. This week has been good for me.”
“I think so too. So do you think it was worth it? The money, I mean?”
“This was never about you paying me back. Not for me.” Ben’s voice came out sharper than he’d meant it to.
“Oh, I know it wasn’t—”
“But it was for you, wasn’t it? You hated taking the money.”
She swallowed. “Well, it was a lot of money. And you had no reason to give it.”
“Like I told you at the beginning, I wanted to thank you. You helped me, and I wanted to do something in return.”
“Then I guess we helped each other. I’m glad.” Her soft voice reached out to him, and he wanted to wrap himself up in it, to hear it every day.
“Me too.” Ben swallowed, his throat tight. That sounded like a goodbye. He turned to face the window and watched the outside world pass by.
The world wasn’t such a bad place, from inside the van. With company, and the flowers crowding them close. With the knowledge he was doing something good for his patients, and with a person he’d come to think of as a friend by his side.
The world was harsh and bright, but sometimes, with the people who mattered nearby, the ride could be … surprisingly enjoyable.
A few minutes later, they arrived at the first stop. Nell retrieved a bouquet from the back, carnations and tulips, all in shades of pink. She ran up the steps to knock on the door of the next recipient.
When Ben turned to check on Marco, he discovered the boy’s eyes already fixed on him. They studied him as if Ben was a strange animal.
“I heard you like to learn about the ocean and fossils,” Ben told him.
Silence was the reply, but he still had Marco’s attention.
“I like science, too. I collect rocks, or I used to, anyway.” He pulled the geode out of his pocket, keeping the two halves pressed together. “I used to go running outside a lot on the nature trails near my house, and I’d find all sorts of fossils and gems. I also found a lot of geodes. Have you ever seen one?”
Marco shook his head. His eyes flicked down to Ben’s hand, where he held the oval brown rock.
“It’s a kind of rock with crystals hidden inside. From the outside, it looks ordinary. I picked this one out of the dirt near the trail. I took it to a rock shop and asked them to cut it in half with a special saw. And look.”
He broke the two halves of the rock apart, revealing the dark purple crystals lining the interior. Marco’s jaw fell open.
“These crystals are called amethyst. But you never know what you’ll find inside a geode. They can be all different colors—white, green, or pink, too. The surprise is part of the fun.”
Ben held out the rock. “Do you want to look at it?”
Little fingers brushed his as Marco took the rock from his hand. He turned the pieces around, twisting the two halves until he figured out how to put them back together into a seamless whole.
Ben smiled and turned to face forward, just as Nell returned from her delivery.
“Everything going okay in here?” she asked.
“Fine,” Ben said.
As they drove to the next delivery stop, Marco played with the geode halves, opening and closing them. After a few minutes, he clutched the halves in his fist. He hadn’t gone back to watching the show on his tablet.
The next time Nell got out of the van, Ben turned to face Marco again.
“I bet you’d like looking for geodes the next time you’re outside. Do you want to know the secret of how to find them?”
Marco nodded, his expression serious.
“I’ll tell you my best rock-hunting tips. First, you look for a rock that’s rounded, like an egg or a golf ball. A lot of geodes have a hollowed out interior, and it affects the shape of the rock on the outside.”
Marco nodded again.
“Two, you look for rocks with a bumpy exterior. Like the peel of an orange. And three, you can tap it, to see if it sounds hollow. It might feel lighter than a normal rock, too, because there’s air inside.”
Ben kept up the one-sided conversation as they did the rest of the deliveries. Marco never replied, but he listened the whole time. As they made the last stop, he turned again to face the boy.
“You can keep it, if you want to.”
Marco’s eyes widened.
“Th-thank you.” His voice was quiet and rough, an old man’s voice in a seven year-old’s body. As soon as he’d spoken, he pressed his lips together tightly.
“You’re welcome. Maybe you’ll find some crystals for your mom. Do you think she’d like them?”
“Sh-she would. She likes colors.”
“Good.” He turned once more to face the front of the van, ignoring the rush of satisfaction that filled him.
It shouldn’t matter that he’d earned a few words from Nell’s quiet son. He would never find out whether Marco went rock hunting or not. A tightening sensation in his chest accompanied the thought.
A few minutes later, Nell dropped back into her seat and started the van.
“We’d better take you back home. If you want, I can text you when we finish the last of the deliveries to your patients. So you know it’s all done.”
“I’d like that.”
She pulled out her phone and opened her contacts, and Ben told her his number.
Nell was quiet as they drove back. Marco returned to watching TV on his tablet, headphones over his ears.
The air in the van was thick with flowers and leaves, and her citrus-scented hair, and he’d miss all of this, even though it had only been a week. He would miss her.
When they pulled up at his house, she killed the ignition and turned to him.
“Well. I hope things keep getting better for you.” She fiddled with the keychain, flipping it between her fingers. Was it his imagination, or did she seem to be stalling?
“And you as well.”
“They will. I’m looking for a third job. To make ends meet better.”
He frowned. “I didn’t know you had a second job.”
Nell rolled her eyes at him. “Of course I have a second job. It’s still not quite enough, though. Your money was nice, but it can’t solve all my problems.”
She said it playfully, but Ben’s chest tightened further. He hadn’t improved her life at all. He’d temporarily helped the problem, but now she was right back where she’d been last month.
She’d improved his life in a lasting, real way. And he’d given her money, something far less valuable.
She fiddled with the keychain some more, and Ben didn’t make a move to get out of the van yet.
“Do you want me to walk you to the door?” she asked, after another minute of the awkward silence.
“No. I can manage it myself. Thanks to you.”
“You have to stop thanking me. I did nothing.”
“It wasn’t nothing to me,” he said fiercely. “I’m only sorry I can’t—” He shut his mouth, shook his head to clear it. “You deserve more. You deserve for someone to see all the good things about you, and appreciate them. So I will say thank you. And … Goodbye, I guess.”
“Goodbye, Ben.” Her voice held a hint of a wobble, but he wouldn’t analyze that right now. The week was over, and it was time to walk himself back into his house, back into his real life. Next week, he’d pick up right where he’d left off at the clinic.
He took the dozen steps to his door in long strides, covering the ground in seconds. He kept his head down, not looking at the sky or the neighbors’ yards, or the cars parked on the street. With single-minded focus, he made it to the door, unlocked it, and let himself inside. He wasn’t even winded.
This was how he’d do it next week. Fast, no distractions. No giving in to his anxiety, and definitely no enjoying the scenery.
He turned and gave Nell a single wave, and she waved back, put the van into drive, and pulled away from the curb. Marco’s eyes watched him from the rear window as they pulled away.
Ben shut the door to his house. It was quiet and cool inside. He toed off his shoes onto the wood floor, and the soft click echoed in the entryway. He walked into the living room and looked around, as if he was a stranger seeing the pale, lifeless room for the first time.
He’d been fine alone here for a month, but nothing felt the same now. He sank down onto the plush white couch, letting the silence of the house swallow him up.