Chapter 11 #2
His booming voice, so easily commanding a battlefield, was never raised in anger at home. He spoiled me, but he also made me see reason and my mistakes without being harsh about it.
A knock on the door rips me out of my head, and I quickly dry my cheeks, a habit that is hard to shake, even if my brothers are far past the age of teasing me for crying.
“I know you’re in there, Ara.”
I get up at Ben’s voice and unlock the door, but instead of opening it, I curl back into the armchair. He steps into the room, closing the door behind him, then comes over to me.
“Scooch over.”
“We don’t fit in here together,” I protest.
“Then we aren’t trying hard enough.” He picks me up and places me next to him after he sits down.
I’m now sitting mostly on the armrest, partly wedged next to him.
His shoulders take up too much space for this to be comfortable, but it makes me grin.
When he shifts, I nearly tumble off, and he catches my arm to prevent it.
“Now tell your favorite brother what’s going on and who I have to beat up,” he says while smiling down and coaxing another weak smile from me.
“Adult life sucks,” I say, making him chuckle.
“Is this because of you marrying that prince? Then say no.”
“Yes, no … part of it.” I exhale through my nose.
“Then it’s not worth it.”
“But what if it is?”
“Then I would say start talking because I don’t like the look in your eyes.”
I hesitate, but this is Ben, my twin, and he has neither the same weight on his shoulders as Dar nor the strict moral compass Ian does.
“You have to promise to never breathe a word to anyone, not even the others.”
“Now I’m so in.” He grins and clasps my arm.
“I promise to never betray a secret you tell me to another person and to stand behind you no matter what.” He looks at me expectantly.
“You have to agree.” With his unconditional trust, warmth seeps back into my chest. “Ara, you have to say it,” he repeats.
“I agree,” I say, my throat thick, and I hiss at the by now familiar burn. Ben’s grin widens.
“Spill it!”
And I do. Telling him about Tynan’s people is tricky since my own promise binds me, but we know each other well enough that I can give him an idea without breaking it. And I tell him about Grandma and her plan.
I leave out Tate, though, maybe because I’m still ashamed he fooled me, or perhaps because I’m not ready to talk about him at all. For sure, sex is the last topic I ever want to discuss with one of my brothers, even my twin.
“I’m going to join the Aerie next winter,” Ben says as soon as I finish my story. I blink at him.
“What?”
“Did you think I would let you do all this alone? And hey, I get a second gift out of the deal, not to mention a badass magical bird.” He grins. “You couldn’t stop me if you tried.”
“Ian is not going to be pleased,” I predict, but Ben’s grin only widens.
“What are you doing here anyway?” Ben asks, reminding me why I came. I tell him about the notes our grandmother supposedly left for me, but even though we search the entire room, we can't find anything.
“I'll keep looking,” my brother offers. “And I’ll have to train more on the obstacle course.” His grimace makes me laugh.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” I ask. “This may be the only chance I get to teach you something about climbing.”
And this is how we spend the next hours on the obstacle course. My arms feel like my bones have dissolved, and my legs are as heavy as stone, but spending time with Ben, talking things through, helped a lot.
It’s late afternoon when I get back to the palace. To say Darren is not amused is about as accurate as calling a thunderstorm a drizzle. I’m glad I can offer Mom and Ben as an excuse for where I’ve been. Otherwise, I think he would have chained me to him.
“I’m sorry, okay? I just really needed a break.”
Dar scrubs a hand over his face.
“I thought you did something stupid … thoughtless. That Prince Alexander left around the same time didn’t help.”
“Oh…” I scoff. “No need to worry about him.”
My brother’s eyebrows jump up in surprise.
“So you are going to…?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay? And no, I haven’t decided yet. I need more time.”
Dar squeezes my shoulder. “I’m proud of you for thinking things through this time,” he says, and I squeeze my eyes shut. He wouldn’t say that if he knew what I did. Guilt tries to swallow me whole.
But I did the right thing, didn’t I?
For the following two days, I train with the guards, wander through the gardens, and have tea with Deliah. I only see Frederick while others are around, and I’m glad about it.
In public, he is polite, funny, and pleasant enough, but that doesn’t erase his words. Maybe I would have liked him if I hadn’t seen his other side.
Every night, I retire as early as I can get away with and leave for the mists as soon as darkness falls.
Now that I know what to look for, it’s easy to navigate the mist via the signatures of all the gifted living in the city. When I ask Tynan about it, he assures me that only magic gifted, the fae, and some shifters can sense it, which makes the mists the perfect hiding spot.
My nightly visits, full of planning, and my sleepless nights make it hard to concentrate during the day. More than once, I find myself zoning out during a conversation, covering it up with smiles and nods. No one notices.
I miss the academy and my friends, and I can’t wait to leave the palace behind, but first, I have to make a decision.
A decision I push away, ignoring that my time is running out.
But the signs are there. Frederick tried to initiate a conversation yesterday, and my brother has also become impatient.
I’m standing in the garden outside the breakfast room with my eyes closed, enjoying the sun on my face.
It’s a warm day for spring, the air already whispering with the promise of the coming summer.
The scent of roses permeates the air, and I can hear the honey flies and other insects buzzing from one flower to the next.
Off in the distance is the synchronized step of guards moving as one, the tinkle of a laugh, and the peal of metal on metal.
I miss Telos. And something about the quiet around me makes the ache in my chest worse.
Footsteps approach from behind, nearly muffled by the lawn, but I don’t open my eyes to acknowledge him until he clears his throat.
Time is up.
Frederick stands next to me. His eyes rest on the scars on my arm, prominent in the glaring sunlight. When he sees me noticing, his face morphs into a reassuring smile.
“We have healers who can easily deal with those.”
I never felt protective of my scars, but his comment irks me. I remember Tate kissing them, declaring them a sign of my strength… But that was all a lie.
“Do you mean to imply my family wouldn’t have the means for a healer skilled enough or that my mother and brother aren’t skilled healers?” I ask sweetly.
I watch Frederick squirm, clearly unsure how to deal with my enormous blunder of tact. But I don’t even feel anger or satisfaction. Instead, a treacherous silence fills my chest.
Frederick ignores my comment and changes the subject.
“My father’s health is declining. He plans to hand the crown over to me soon. So I think we should plan the wedding for…”
“No,” I snap, startling him and drawing an affronted gasp from the servant hovering a few steps away.
“No?” He looks as if he doesn't know what to make of that word. “Have you forgotten what I told you at the ball?”
I laugh and cross my arms. “And I’m still telling you no.”
Perhaps I’m starting to understand what Dar meant. It’s what is expected, and it would be best for everyone else … but I can’t do it. The thought of letting him touch me makes my skin crawl. Frederick waves the servant away, and suddenly, we are alone. I swallow.
“Are you sure of your answer?” he asks, his gaze watchful. “Even though I could make this go away?” He waves the scroll I only now notice him holding. “I had the impression you and your brother were close…” He turns and I should let him walk away, but … dammit.
“What is it?”
His smile is too smug, too sure. Something heavy settles in my gut, but I hold out my hand for the scroll, and my stomach plummets as soon as I read it. It’s a complaint about my brother interfering with the arrest of a cursed girl. Shit.
“So he stepped accidentally into someone’s way. Big deal,” I say, fighting hard to keep my voice unimpressed. It’s my fault.
“I think you don’t understand.” He gives me a condescending smile. “A guard was hurt, and a cursed person escaped. He aided the enemy. That is treason and punishable by death.”
My stomach rebels, and I empty it into the rose bushes a second later.
“You have to think about the consequences of your actions.” My brother’s words run through my head. “There will come moments of uncomfortable choices.” It seems the moment is here, and it’s my own damn fault.
The emptiness inside me spreads until it’s hard to draw a proper breath. Everyone wants to use me for their goals.
I can’t let my brother be blamed for my mistakes. I exhale and concentrate on Dar’s words about the position of a queen. My grandmother’s plans. The cursed hiding in the mist.
“I’ll marry you.” The words sound strangled and hollow, but a satisfied smile curves Frederick’s lips.
“Well, that is splendid, then—”
“But I have conditions,” I quickly add.
His eyebrows jump up.
“Come on, you clearly have something to gain out of this, or you wouldn’t blackmail me into it.”
“I don’t like your forwardness, but … go on.” He nods. “Name your conditions.”
“I want to finish my training at the Aerie. I don’t want our arrangement to start before I’m done, and above all, we keep it a secret.”
“And why should I go along with that?”
“We barely know each other, and I’m pretty sure you have your pick of willing suitors, so like I said, you have other reasons to marry me than love or pleasure.
” I remember his words about Tate using me to get back his throne and add, “Like my brother’s loyalty.
Like your army’s loyalty to my family because of my father’s sacrifice. ”
Frederick doesn’t have his brother’s stoic face. His eyebrows rise, and he looks at me like he has never seen me before.
“Okay,” he agrees, but keeps looking at me.
“What do you want now? A kiss?” I ask sarcastically.
“A promise.” He holds out his hand. After a few beats of hesitation, I clasp it and trade my life, my future, for my brother’s and for Frederick’s promise to make the problem go away as long as I hold up my part of the agreement.
Numbly, I watch as the pattern forms on my skin, binding me to him. But even though I feel frozen to the bone, I would do it again.
I guess I learned something about my priorities today.