Chapter 27
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
ARA
While the solo competitions have gone well for us, my refusal to use my ability to find the objects has cost us. We are all gathered in the atrium while Janus announces the winner.
It’s the flight from the Eastern Division. We only come in second.
My stomach drops, my whole body suddenly heavy with dread, while my eyes find Tate.
His posture is tense, his jaw clenched, and the look in his eyes is like a slash to my soul. It’s like he lost much more than a competition.
The need to comfort is like a physical pull and if I could take away some of his pain, I would. I step up to him, but he only notices me when my hand lands on his arm.
“I'm sorry—”
“It’s fine.” He shrugs off my hand. The subtle movement is like a blow to my core, my breath suddenly stuck in my chest. “Who cares about those stupid trials anyway, right?” He throws my words back at me.
“No, that’s not—” I shake my head.
“It's over,” he snaps.
“If—” I try again, not daring to touch him this time.
“I’m fine, Ara. Just leave, okay?” He walks away while I draw in a stuttering breath and fight to keep the brittle smile on my face.
It shouldn't hurt like this. It’s what I wanted, isn’t it?
I press my lips together to hide the trembling, while the pit in my chest grows until I wonder why I don’t fold in on myself.
“Hey, you okay?” Jared asks me.
I shrug. “Yeah, sure.”
“That wasn't about you. You know that, right?”
I shrug again, because it felt damn personal.
Jared searches my face, and whatever he finds makes him take a deep breath. Oh, how much I wish I were able to keep up a mask like my brother or Tate.
“He worked toward this since we lost my brother in an attack years ago.” He looks over at where Tate is packing up.
“Our brother,” he corrects himself. “Louis always was as much his as mine.” He gives me a sad smile.
We both watch Tate, while he moves around and talks to people, who seem oblivious to the pain radiating from him.
“Have you experienced one of his nightmares?” Jared asks softly.
I shake my head, not trusting my voice.
“They give me the chills just listening to him,” he whispers.
“What are they about?”
He gives me a sad smile. “He never talks about any of it. Everything I know I pieced together from what he spilled while sleeping and his actions.” He looks at Tate, who was stopped by another rider.
“I might not know why he renounced his title, but I know him. So I stick around and go along for the ride, no matter how bad-tempered or grouchy he is, because I know it’s worth it. He is worth it.”
“He’s lucky to have you,” I murmur.
Jared shrugs. “That's what brothers are for.”
I nod, thinking of my brothers, but then grimace when I think of Tate's.
“Or should be,” Jared amends. “The next time I see Fred, I’ll set his head straight. Entitled bastard.”
That surprises a snort out of me. I would love to see that.
“What?” he asks. “Not my fault if he can’t see past his bruised ego.”
A giggle escapes me. “You are aware that you're talking about our future king?”
Jared just shrugs. “For me, he will always stay the little bugger who ran after us and tried to compete with Tate at every turn.” He pauses, his face grim.
“But he can hold a grudge, I tell you that. And now with a crown on his head.” He grimaces.
“Don't get me wrong, Fred is not a bad man, but I don't remember him as a farsighted, wise, or even-tempered person either, so I'm not sure what to expect of him as king.”
I watch Tate walk away. His pain is not visible in his posture, which is still straight and unyielding, but it’s in the angle of his head in his downcast eyes, and I ache to hug him, to hold him, but he would push me away. And that hurts more than I ever imagined.
“Please don't give up on him,” Jared murmurs.
When I don’t show any reaction, Jared sighs.
“He cares.” His words jolt through my body, but he continues oblivious to the chaos inside me.
“You should have seen him when you were out after Picking…” He shakes his head.
“I’ve never seen him like that. He’s lost so much already, but I’m not sure he would survive losing you.
” He squeezes my shoulder, and when I still don’t react, he gives me another sad smile and walks away.
“All right, everyone. Let's get moving,” he hollers at the rest of our flight.
I’m frozen, lost, unable to process Jared’s words.
He cares.
I’m not sure he would survive losing you.
He has to be lying. My breaths are shallow pants, my eyes not focusing on anyone or anything.
“Just keep breathing, you’re doing great,” Solaris coos, feeling my struggle for composure.
A single tear gets away from me and lands in the dust at my feet. Without a word to anyone, I head back to the sleeping quarters. I have to reach my room. I have to reach it before the ice melts off and bares the destruction beneath.
“Don’t you think talking to him would be a good idea?” Solaris asks.
“What would be the point? I promised to marry his brother. I’m not getting out of that. If what Jared said is true…”
I hug myself, like it might help hold me together. As if my arms could keep the pieces contained so I can shatter in silence.
“If I give him hope now and then, he has to watch me marry his brother…”
A sob escapes me, echoing in the empty hallway, and I walk faster.
“How about you just tell him that? Put it all out there.”
“Now? On top of this defeat?” I shake my head. The defeat I caused. The thought is like a claw digging into my chest. I’m responsible for his pain. All the past weeks … it’s my fault.
“So what now?”
“I don’t know.” My heart breaks for him. I quite literally feel a crack, like something shatters inside me. “It has to stop hurting at some point, right?” I whisper.
“We can still go for the crazy bird lady,” Solaris tells me, and my chuckle ends in a sob.
Tears blur my view as I rush down the corridor, desperate to reach my room. Jared has to be lying, though. Right? Because if he isn’t … my chest cramps.
I bend over, bracing my hands on my knees, desperate to draw in a full breath. But I can’t fucking breathe.
If Jared was telling the truth… Tears cascade down my cheeks.
What have I done?
A whimper claws up my throat.
“Ara? What happened?” Hurried steps accompany the words, and then Joel pulls me into his arms. I hold on to him like I’m drowning, a shuddering sob ripping out of me. There is another voice I dimly recognize as Mariel’s, but I just concentrate on my fingers digging into Joel’s back.
“You’re scaring me,” he murmurs. And I don’t blame him. I’m scared too. “Talk to me,” he urges. But where do I begin?
How do I speak words I buried so deep I can’t grasp anymore? How do I tell him what I fear and want to be true at the same time? How do I tell him that I destroyed the one thing that could have been the best part of my life?
When I stay silent, he shuffles me along, and I hold on to him. He is familiar, he is safe. There is a hushed conversation and a door closes, and then there is silence.
It’s only when I quiet down and get myself back under control that I realize we are in Joel’s room, and I soaked his shirt with my tears. But he waves off my mumbled apology.
“If Kyronos did something…”
“No, he didn’t do anything.” I shake my head. “It’s just…” To my embarrassment, my eyes fill again. “Uh shit, not again.” I hiccup, causing a tiny smile on Joel’s face.
“You never liked crying in front of others,” he remarks. “But if you need to talk, or a shoulder to cry…” he offers.
I lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Then I know where to find you.” I give him a watery smile. “Thank you, I guess I needed that.”
“Anytime.”