Chapter Seven Trill
Ever since the day Grit showed up to my place of business, I have been conflicted.
I sat there and read the card over and over again.
I didn’t know what to do with the information that he dropped on me.
The shit hit me in an unexpected way. When it comes down to the nigga who sperm helped get me in this world, I forgot about him a long time ago.
I forced myself to push the nigga to the furthest part of my brain.
It wasn’t hard to do because I didn’t know shit about him.
My mom always kept the conversation at a minimum whenever I would bring the nigga up.
Over time, I just said fuck it. The nigga’s absence said more words than I needed to hear anyway.
That was enough for me to say fuck him! I have been standing on that shit ever since.
As a child, I made myself not care. I grew a deep resentment in my heart for him.
There were so many events that I wished I had a father to attend with me growing up.
Every school event where my peers had their father, I was always alone.
That or my mom tried to come and fill in the gap.
That shit never would hit the same. I’m more than grateful that I had a mom that played both roles.
I have nothing but love for what she did for me as her only child.
I just wished she chose better when it came down to who she conceived with.
That’s probably the reason she never did have another child.
Growing up, it was hard to not fault her for his absence.
My mind was constantly plagued with so many thoughts and scenarios.
Maybe it was something that she did that caused him not to want to be around.
I even thought that maybe he didn’t know about me at all.
There were so many days that I longed for him or any of his close relatives to come get me.
Just give me the chance to get to know him and his side of the family.
It was only me and my mom. That made shit feel extra lonely some days.
I thank God for my aunt Mara and my cousin Mazi.
Having them around made the hard days feel worth it.
Mazi was the closest thing to a brother I could get.
We really grew up thick as thieves because all we had was one another.
Over the years we met Ice, Nico, and Jace, then a brotherhood formed.
Grit showing up changed everything. The first thing I did was go see my mother.
I knew beforehand that it was a conversation that she probably didn’t want to have.
Considering the circumstances though, I felt like she owed me an explanation.
Can’t have me out here with motherfuckers knowing who I am.
Yet, I have no clue who they are. The conversation has played in my head on repeat.
Though I always treat my mom with the upmost respect, it was hard to mask my irritation.
“Ma”, I called out when I entered her home.
“Back here baby”
I found her in the washroom. Taking a load of clothes out of the washer and placing them in the dryer. I stood with my back against the wall. Trying my best to formulate the words that were in my head, threating to escape my lips.
“Giovanni Laurent.. does that name ring a bell to you ma?”
She continued to fold the towel that she held in her hand.
I watched intently as she swallowed the lump in her throat.
The name and the questioning clearly catching her off guard.
Her once happy demeanor when she saw me has minimized.
Seconds that felt like hours passed by as she gathered her thoughts.
I stood there waiting patiently because I had nothing but time.
“How do you- “
“Does any of that matter”, I said, cutting her off midsentence.
She finally put the towel down and faced me. Now giving me her undivided attention.
“Yes, Tavian. The name rings a bell because he’s your father. How you found out this information, I don’t know but I tried to protect you. That’s all I was trying to do”
“Protect me from what?! All the shit did was hinder me. I didn’t have a damn daddy growing up. Now all of a sudden, the nigga is dead, and I finally find out who he is”
It was evident that my revelation that he passed struck a nerve.
Her eyes bulged and I could see the tears welling up.
I didn’t want to upset my mom at all. I just wanted answers.
Answers that I should have been given ages ago.
I can’t erase the past; I just want to have a clear focus on the future.
“Your father- “
“Sperm donor, but continue”
“If you interrupt me one more damn time boy, I’m going to forget that your ass is twenty-six years old and let you have it”
“My bad ma, I’m going to chill”
She side-eyed me. Clearly irritated by my actions. I had to check myself internally because I didn’t want to come off disrespectful. I also knew that I had to let her talk. That’s the only way I would be able to get some answers. I had to stop being so stubborn and actually take the time to listen.
“As I was saying, your “sperm donor” was a man that was every bit of the word complicated. Good man but he had his ways of how he liked to do certain things. When I found out I was pregnant, he was happy, but he withdrew himself immediately. He made sure I was good throughout my pregnancy. But he made it very clear that with the life he was living, he couldn’t be involved.
It hurt like hell but overtime I accepted things for what they were.
Every day I wished things were different.
Money wasn’t enough, his presence would’ve meant a lot more.
He constantly sent money to make sure you and I were straight.
When you were born, I reached out to him to let him know.
He came through a couple of times to see you and eventually he fell off the face of the earth.
The money still came but I stopped accepting it.
He was scared to be involved out of fear that harm would come to you.
I didn’t understand it at the time. I resented him for it and cried many nights about it.
I just did my best with you as a single mother.
Do I wish I could’ve given you a two-parent household?
Of course I do, and it saddens me to my core that you never got the opportunity to meet him”
A lone tear escaped her left eye. That tear could’ve represented several things. She could have been hurting for me. Also, could’ve meant that she was saddened by his death. Either way I didn’t really feel like a lot was revealed to me.
“I don’t have all the answers or anything that can help mend your broken heart. I think you should go to the funeral for the chance to speak with his brother.”
For days, I sat with her words contemplating on just what to do.
I went back and forth in my head about it.
Broke down and talked to my boys about it because I needed insight from someone other than my mama.
They all convinced me that I should see it through.
Mazi was convinced that me attending the funeral could possibly heal my inner child in a way.
It wasn’t until he said it, that I understood his logic.
In an odd way, I felt like it possibly could.
I agreed to that shit under one condition, I needed my boys by my side.
Though my mom encouraged me to go, she made it clear she had no interest in going. She didn’t want to see the man that abandoned us so many years ago. I understood completely. I couldn’t fault her because initially I was against it my damn self.
The only thing fucked me up was they decided to bury the nigga on a Wednesday.
That shit was odd as hell to me. I thought only white folks do shit like that.
I had to check in with my PO today as well.
I could’ve used that as a cop out from going to the funeral.
I decided against it because as a man, I need to see the shit through.
I just messaged her and requested that I come in a little earlier.
She approved an earlier meeting. So, I guess it was meant for me to attend the funeral after all.
I made it a point to come to my meeting already dressed for the funeral.
I’m normally an all black type of nigga but today, I decided to spruce the shit up a little.
I couldn’t risk anyone seeing Giovanni’s bastard child coming through half stepping.
Nigga sounds like a white nigga or something.
I just wanted to make sure that I was on my A game.
It brought me some kind of peace of mind to know that my boys will be right there with me.
Honestly don’t think I can do the shit without them.
I buttoned the last button on my black dress shirt. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, just taking in my appearance. I wore black jeans, and all black air force ones. I placed my SSC chain around my neck that matched my diamond earrings. Sprayed on my cologne and I was headed out the door.
I was out the door faster than I anticipated, so I took my time making my way to my PO.
When I made it in the parking lot, I sat there for five minutes.
I just wanted to check in with the guys to make sure their asses would be on time for the service.
I really was only worried about Ice. I needed to make sure he wasn’t up Londyn’s ass.
I made it clear that he didn’t need to bring her ass with him.
I didn’t want to see her at all. Especially on a day like today.
As I stepped into the building, I nodded my head at the receptionist as I made my way to the elevator.
I briefly checked the phone as I watched the elevator numbers rise to my designated floor.
I was still doing good timing. I just needed to go in, do a little brief catch up, do my piss test and I would be on my way.