Chapter Eight Trill
Mazi and I crept down the paved road in my car, while Jace, Nico, and Ice followed us in Jace’s car.
The funeral line was slow and eerie. Nervousness consumed me as I drove into the unknown.
I didn’t know what to expect. I just know I made a promise to myself, my mama, and my boys to see the shit through.
I hated that shit had to be this way. If only I could’ve gotten a year from him. Even a couple of months, maybe my heart would have been satisfied. Twenty-six damn years! Life is so funny man. I guess we have to take the good with the bad and keep pushing though.
“You ready for this shit man?”, Mazi asked me.
“I guess I have no choice but to be man. Been giving myself pep talks about the shit all day.”
“We never know why some shit happens the way it does man. I’m a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.
With that being said, I don’t want you holding shit over auntie head.
I’m sure she had her reasons for doing shit the way she did.
Maybe your dad did too man. We never know. ”
I turned to my right to look at him briefly.
I started to say something, but I decided to stay mute instead.
He knows me better than I know my damn self sometimes.
I’m no longer tripping on my mama. She said what she had to say, and she gave me all she knew on the nigga.
It’s not her fault for the course of actions he chose to take.
I’d give anything to be able to hear his side of the story.
Unfortunately, I can’t, so I’m here to see if this shit will heal the little boy in me.
I don’t know who this cat was. Looking all around at the venue and seeing all these people here, it was evident that the nigga was important.
Being the observant nigga that I am, I just looked around and began taking it all in.
It took forever for us to get into a parking spot.
Being that cars were on both sides of the road and one million motherfuckers were in the line.
I shook the nervousness off before I exited the car.
At least that’s what I convinced myself that’s what I was doing.
As Mazi and I made our way out of the car, Ice, Nico, and Jace were pulling into the parking spot adjacent from us.
I’m the only one that had on a dress shirt, but everybody else had on all black.
I was appreciative of that shit. We are some well-kept niggas anyway.
So I wasn’t worried about them showing up looking any kind of way.
Every time we step out of the house, we do that shit with a purpose.
We’re all individuals, but at the same time each of these niggas represent me and everything that I stand for.
SSC is my brand, and I wear that shit with a badge of honor.
Motherfuckers need to know who we are when we enter any setting.
First impression is everything. My motto is to always make it a good one.
“This bitch is blowed”, Nico said.
“I know this a funeral and all, but y’all clutching right?”, Jace asked, as I looked at every person that passed.
“No matter the time or the place”, I responded.
I lifted my shirt just a little so they could see my glock resting against my stomach.
Everyone else followed suit as we showed one another that we were all packing.
I expected nothing less. Being in the streets as long as we have, you never know when you’ll run into the enemy.
Better to be safe than sorry, no matter where the fuck you’re at.
Can’t ever get caught lacking. Especially with the way niggas hate on us for just being ourselves.
We’re public enemy number one, in the eyes of a lot of these motherfuckers.
“We’re following your lead big dog. Just know me and these niggas got you throughout all this shit. You’ve never left us alone in any of the shit we’ve endured, we’ll never do that to you”, Ice said.
“I love y’all niggas man. Y’all are the only reason I’m here”
“We about to see this shit through, together”, Mazi said.
They all gave me a brotherly hug individually before we proceeded to head into the venue.
Giving me their condolences for a nigga I don’t even know.
That shit is still wild to me, but here I am.
The line was long as hell, but the moment Grit and I locked eyes he waved me over.
At first, I wasn’t feeling that shit, but Mazi encouraged me to go.
They followed along as we caught up with the rest of the family.
Right now, I didn’t have many words to exchange.
I was mentally preparing myself to see the man who’s responsible for bringing me into this world.
The shit was an unexplainable feeling. I was anxious, nervous, all of that shit.
I didn’t know what to expect. I questioned if people knew who I was to him.
Did we resemble one another? So many thoughts rushed me at once.
It was so fucked up to be in this position.
Oh, how I wish shit could have been different.
By us going in with the family, we were the first to enter the building.
As soon as I made it inside, my eyes were trained on the casket that sat at the front.
My palms became sweaty, and my nerves were uneasy.
I was doing everything in my power to shake it off.
All these years I longed to see this man’s face.
I never thought that the first time, would be in a casket. Shit is all fucked up.
As much as I hated to admit it, the shit made me emotional.
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I wouldn’t dare let them fall.
How can I mourn a man that I don’t even know?
I know even the most gangster niggas cry, but I just prefer to do that shit alone.
With no one else around and I can allow myself to be sad, mad, angry, any emotion I needed to feel.
I don’t know what these emotions were about.
Can’t really miss a motherfucker I never got the opportunity to know.
I just hate that he deprived me of the shit.
The fact that I didn’t even have a choice is some shit that will sit with me for the rest of my days.
Grit stood on my left while Mazi stood on my right.
We were next up to view the body. I looked over my shoulder just to make sure my boys were still standing with me.
They were and it brought me solace. All of my strength was gravitating from them in this moment.
I looked down at the floor for a second before I eventually lifted my head back up.
When the couple that stood in front of us left the casket, Grit and his old lady went up next.
He stood there for a moment as he just stared into the face of the person that lied there.
I could only see a little of his face from where I stood.
Nevertheless, I was still nervous and anxious as hell to see what he looked like.
“Nigga, you really checked the fuck out on me”, Grit said, with a light cackle. Sarcasm laced his voice. He said it in a comical way, but I know that was because he was hurting.
I could tell by the break in his voice that he was shedding tears.
“So Hard to Say Goodbye” by Boyz to Men playing in the background didn’t make the shit any better.
That solemn music always makes the moment that much more emotional.
I can’t say what type of bond they had. It was evident that he was loyal as hell to him though.
I’m sure he loved him. This moment wouldn’t have been this tough for him if he didn’t.
He even honored his wishes about keeping me at bay.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s some shit he actually wanted to do.
If so, he wouldn’t have come to find me when he passed.
I’ve been teaching myself to be grateful for the small shit. We never know why things happen in the manner that they do. I just know the big man upstairs isn’t a man that makes mistakes.
When it came my time to step up, Grit came back and stood by my side.
His lady went ahead and took her seat. Allowing him to share this moment with me.
For that I was grateful. He didn’t have to do that at all.
I guess this is his way of letting me know that he has my back.
Like, his actions were saying he know he has missed so much time.
This was his way of trying to show me how much he has me now.
That’s all I ever wanted. To be a part of a family that welcomed me.
It’s still going to be a lot to take in. I’m willing to adjust though.
The shit wasn’t easy by a long shot. But here I am, doing some shit I never thought I would do.
Grit rested his hand on my shoulders in a comforting manner.
I looked into his face, and he simply gave me a head nod.
No words needed to be exchanged. I know that was his way of telling me that it was okay.
I shook my head up and down, mentally giving myself a pep talk.
I stepped to the casket and looked into the face of my exact replica. It’s crazy as hell how much I resemble this man. The only major difference was the skin color. I was darker, while his skin was more on the caramel side. I just stared at him as he laid there lifeless.
It was like looking at a fifty plus year old me.
I had a good mental image of what I will look like when I get his age.
There were so many things I wanted to say.
So many questions that I had, that I wish he could answer.
The only thing that I could do was stare at him and daydream about the memories I wish we created.
I resented him for depriving me of the father and son bond that I longed for since a child.
Theres nothing, I can do about that now.
I’ll just try to make up for lost time by getting to know Grit.
I never had an uncle either, so at least I was spared that.