Chapter 17
Sarah
I wake to the sound of birds outside the windows and silk sheets against my skin.
For a moment, I’m disoriented, forgetting where I am until I turn and see Yarik’s face on the pillow beside me.
He’s still asleep, one arm draped possessively across my waist, and I take a moment to study his features in the morning light.
He looks younger when he sleeps, with the hard lines of worry and responsibility smoothed away. I can almost see the boy he was before his parents died, and he had to become a man too soon. The thought makes my chest constrict with an emotion I don’t want to examine too closely.
I rest my hand over my belly, feeling the slight firmness that’s becoming more noticeable each day.
Everything feels fragile and bright this morning, like a life I never expected to live.
Last night changed something between us, making some invisible barrier finally crumble.
When he told me he wanted a future with me and asked for time to make things right, I almost believed we could have a real future together.
Almost.
Lying here in the pale morning light, reality creeps back in. He’s still engaged to Katya. He’s still part of a world where violence is commonplace and enemies lurk around every corner, and I’m still carrying his baby, a secret that grows heavier with each passing day.
The nausea hits me suddenly, sharp and insistent.
I slip carefully out of bed, trying not to wake Yarik, and hurry to his bathroom.
The morning sickness has been getting worse and more unpredictable despite the pregnancy book saying it should be easing down after ten weeks.
Apparently, Baby didn’t read the same book.
Yesterday, it lasted until almost noon, and I had to excuse myself from a meeting with Mrs. Nykova to throw up in the staff restroom.
When I emerge from the bathroom after availing myself of a wrapped toothbrush and toothpaste to brush away the disgusting taste lingering in my mouth, Yarik is sitting up in bed, watching me with concern. “Are you all right?”
I force a smile and return to the bed. “Just tired. It was a long night…and I wanted to brush my teeth.” I wink at him, trying to pull of sexy siren and hide worried, exhausted, pregnant lover/reluctant mistress.
He pulls me back into his arms, and I curl against his chest, breathing in his familiar scent. For a moment, I consider telling him everything. The words form in my throat, ready to spill out. I’m pregnant and will see the baby on ultrasound tomorrow. Want to come?
The words knot in my throat, tangled up with morning nausea, fear, and what such a confession would mean. Instead, I just kiss him softly and whisper against his lips. “I should go. Nina will worry if I don’t come home.”
He traces his fingers along my spine, making me shiver. “Stay a little longer.”
“I can’t. People will start arriving soon, and if they see me leaving your room...”
He sighs and releases me reluctantly. “You’re right, but I wish you could stay.”
I dress quickly in last night’s clothes, hyperaware of how the dress fits.
The silk that flowed so elegantly yesterday now feels snug across my chest and hips, which is probably my imagination and fear presenting itself.
I didn’t pop overnight…did I? I’ll need to be more careful about what I wear, how I position myself, and how I move through the world.
The drive home passes in a blur of conflicted thoughts. Part of me wants to turn around, march back into his bedroom, and tell him everything. The other part whispers that I should pack my bags and disappear before this gets any more complicated.
Nina is waiting for me in the kitchen when I walk through the door, coffee mug in hand and a knowing look on her face. “Good night?”
I pour myself a glass of water, avoiding her eyes. “It was fine.”
“Just fine? You’re wearing a silk dress you definitely weren’t wearing yesterday, and you have that glow that women get when they’ve been thoroughly?—”
“Nina.” I cut her off with a look. “It’s complicated.”
She sets down her mug and studies my face. “How complicated?”
I sink into the chair across from her and finally meet her eyes. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
“Think?”
“Okay, know. I know I’m falling in love with him.” The admission feels both liberating and terrifying. “He said he wants to build a future with me, but he needs time to handle the situation with his fiancée.”
Nina frowns. “How much time?”
“Months, maybe. The engagement is business. If he backs out, there could be consequences.”
“What kind of consequences?”
I think about the warehouse attack, the men Yarik killed to protect me, and the careful way he watches our surroundings when we’re together. Recalling what he told me about his past and present, I say without hesitation, “The dangerous kind.”
She’s scowling, but not at me. “You can’t keep living in limbo. You need to make a decision about what you want, and it’s not fair of him to ask you to twiddle your thumbs while he plays out whatever his scheme is.”
I nod. “I know what I want. I want him, but I don’t know if it’s possible, and waiting for months won’t work for me.”
“Then you need to find out. Have the conversation. Tell him you’re preggers, how you’re feeling, and what you need.”
I bite my lip, thinking it over. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should get some air, run a few errands, and think about everything.”
She nods approvingly. “Good idea. Clear your head and figure out what you really want.”
Thirty minutes later, I’m dressed in jeans and a loose sweater, making my way through the grocery store with a list of things we don’t really need, wanting to distract myself before it’s time to go home and get dressed to return to work.
It’s unusually busy for a weekday morning, full of families with young children and elderly couples moving slowly through the aisles.
I’m in the cereal aisle, debating between brands, when I catch the scent that makes me shiver and causes a surge of nausea as sandalwood and spice, expensive and distinctive, assaults my senses. It’s Alex’s cologne and how it smells just on him.
The box of cereal slips from my hands and hits the floor with a loud crash.
I spin around, heart racing while scanning the faces of the other shoppers.
There’s an elderly man selecting oatmeal, and a woman with two toddlers arguing over sugary cereals.
A teenage employee restocking shelves barely looks at me before returning to her task.
No Alex.
I tell myself it’s just a memory or fear playing tricks on my mind. Lots of men wear that cologne. It doesn’t mean anything.
The woman with the toddlers looks at me with concern. “Are you okay, honey?”
I bend to pick up the fallen cereal box, my hands shaking. “I’m fine. Just clumsy.”
She smiles sympathetically and returns to managing her children, but I can still smell that distinctive scent that haunted my nightmares for months after I escaped.
I abandon my cart and hurry toward the exit, my heart thrumming so hard I can hear it in my ears.
The automatic doors seem to take forever to open, and when I finally reach my car, I fumble with the keys before locking myself inside.
I sit in the parking lot for ten minutes, breathing deeply and trying to calm down. It’s nothing. It has to be nothing. Alex doesn’t know where I am. He can’t know, because I can’t go through all that again. Yet as I drive home, the scent seems to follow me like a shadow.
My phone rings as I’m pulling into my apartment complex at seven-thirty a.m. It’s a call from Dr. Ranick’s office, according to the caller ID, so I quickly answer.
“Miss Clark? This is Jennifer from Dr. Ranick’s office. I’m calling to confirm your ultrasound appointment tomorrow at two p.m.”
“Yes, I’ll be there.” I make a note to speak with Mrs. Nykova to tell her I have to leave early tomorrow.
“Great. At twelve weeks, we might be able to determine the gender if you’d like to know.”
My chest tightens with excitement and fear. Tomorrow I’ll see my baby and maybe learn whether I’m having a boy or girl. It’s a milestone I’ve been looking forward to, but it’s also another reminder of how real this pregnancy is becoming. “I’d like to know.”
She sounds super cheerful when she says, “Perfect. We’ll see you tomorrow at two.”
I end the call and sit in my car for another moment, resting a hand on my belly. Tomorrow, I’ll know more about the baby I’m carrying. Yarik’s bay. The secret that’s growing bigger every day.
Nina is right. I need to decide what I want. The problem is, I already know I want Yarik, this baby, and a future that includes all of us together. I just don’t know if it’s possible.
Back in the apartment, I find Nina getting ready for work. She takes one look at my face and immediately sits down, pulling me with her though I should be rushing to get dressed myself. I’m going to be late if I don’t hurry.
“What happened?”
“I smelled his cologne again. At the store.”
Her face goes pale. “Alex’s cologne?”
I nod, sinking into the couch beside her. “I know it sounds crazy. I know it could be anyone, but what if he really is here? What if he’s been watching me?”
“We’ll go with Plan B then,” she says firmly. “If he’s here, we’ll handle it.”
Plan B was our mostly joking fallback plan to poison his wine and dump his body in the lake.
Mostly joking. Now, it feels a little more tangible and like a real option with a baby on the way and not wanting to have to run again.
I quickly dismiss the idea. “I’m not a killer.
I’ll have to run again, start over, and with a baby?—”
“Stop.” Nina grabs my hands, forcing me to look at her. “You’re spiraling. Take a breath.”
I do as she says, inhaling deeply and trying to center myself, but the fears keep multiplying in my mind like a virus. “I have an ultrasound tomorrow,” I say suddenly.
Nina’s eyes widen. “You’re still... I mean, you haven’t told him yet?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know how. I told you he asked for months to sort things out with his fiancée, but you know I don’t have months. This pregnancy will be visible in a matter of weeks.”
She nods. “Maybe you should tell him now and give him the choice.”
“What if he only chooses me because of the baby? What if he feels trapped into ending his engagement?”
She huffs out a sigh. “What if he chooses you because he loves you and wants to be a father?”
I consider this, but doubt creeps in. “He’s never mentioned wanting children.
His world is dangerous. He’ll probably think bringing babies into it is irresponsible.
” I recall his words about family being protected, but I’m too conflicted and torn with fear and panic to really focus on what he might want. I can barely think straight.
“It’s possible he’ll think you and a baby are worth changing his world for.”
I want to believe her. I want to believe Yarik would choose me and our baby over duty and obligation, but I’ve learned not to trust in other people’s choices when it comes to my happiness. “There’s something else,” I say quietly.
Nina waits.
“If I tell him about the baby, he’ll never let me leave. Even if things don’t work out between us, even if he chooses his fiancée, he’ll never let me go if he knows I’m carrying his children.”
She frowns. “You just said he might not want them or find having babies irresponsible, so which is it, hon?”
I toss my hands in the air. “I don’t know. I’m so confused and frightened. I just don’t want him to make me stay.”
Nina shakes her head in confusion. “Why would that be so bad?”
I take a few breaths and manage to restore some semblance of calm and order to my jumbled thoughts.
“I won’t be trapped again, Nina. Not even by someone who claims to love me but won’t choose me over a merger posing as a marriage.
I’ve learned that good intentions can become prison bars just as easily as bad ones. ”
She’s quiet for a long moment. “So what are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I have a few weeks to decide. Either I tell him and trust he’ll choose us, or I leave before he figures it out.”
She nods slowly. “And if Alex really is here?”
The question makes me flinch. If Alex is here, running might not be an option. I might need Yarik’s protection more than I need my independence. “I guess I’ll have to trust that Yarik meant it when he said he’d keep me safe.”
She squeezes my hand. “He must mean it. He obviously cares about you.”
I want to believe her. I want to believe love, even though he’s never said the words, is enough to overcome the obstacles we’re facing, but as I sit in our little apartment, with the scent of Alex’s cologne still haunting my memory, and the secret of my pregnancy weighing on my chest, I can’t ignore the feeling that everything is about to fall apart.