40. Ahmina
AHMINA
Ahmina was late for Alchemy. She had been studying in the library when she lost track of time.
The halls were bare, and her steps squeaked on the marble floor as she rushed along.
She was almost out of the castle, just one final corner to turn, when she ran right into Lennox, her arms folding as she slammed into his chest with a thump.
“There you are,” he said, steadying her shoulders. “We need to talk.”
Her eyes dragged up and down as she stepped back, putting space between them. He must have just come back from the Battlegrounds. Golden skin glowing from sweat. His chest heaving with exertion…
Ahmina’s heart stopped. He looked so good.
She cleared her throat, reminding herself that he wanted nothing to do with her, and that she was an embarrassment to be around. A protest to the longing in her chest.
“I’ve been looking for you all day,” he said, bringing Ahmina to the present again.
“You have?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“To apologize.”
Oh. So, he didn’t completely hate her? She let out a heavy breath. Even the constant headache she had had for weeks lifted slightly. She couldn’t escape it—the ember quietly burning inside of her when he was around.
“I should be the one apologizing,” she said, head hung. “You told me something really personal and I”—she swallowed—“I was going to use it against you.”
“It’s what a good Defender would do,” he said, making a point to validate her.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be a Defender… I’m not even a good student,” she said defeated, and he tipped her chin up.
“I brought you something.” Reaching into his leather satchel, he pulled out a rich leather notebook with a small yellow flower—she loved yellow flowers—pinned to the front. She flipped through the pages scribbled with notes from top to bottom. Alchemy, Combat, Strategy, Mastery—it was all there.
“What is this?”
“It was Serena’s. She was a Clever and she spent her entire time at the Academy taking notes on things that you won’t find in textbooks.” He pointed to the flower. “And I added that for you. To make it your own.”
Ahmina’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s…” She looked up at Lennox, who gazed at her, his eyes soft. “Does she mind that you’re giving it to me?”
Lennox shrugged. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
Ahmina shut the notebook and slid it into her bag, a deep crease across her brow.
She didn’t like the idea of taking another student’s notes without them knowing, but she was desperate.
It wouldn’t hurt anyone for her to use these, would it?
Serena had already graduated and was out defending Jarrah beyond the wall, so it wasn’t like she needed it.
“I promise you, it’s fine,” Lennox said, noticing her hesitation and reassuring her. “It may not solve all your problems, but it will help.”
“Okay, thanks.”
Students’ voices drifted in from down the hall, and Lennox grabbed her hand, pulling her around the corner, his hand lingering on hers. “We need to talk.”
They stood alone again, their bodies so close she could feel the heat coming off his skin.
Silently, they both studied each other’s faces before she broke eye contact.
When he looked at her like that, it made her feel so exposed, like she couldn’t hide a thing, even if she tried.
He saw through her somehow. Ever since that day in the library, whenever she felt the panic rise in her, all she could think about was Lennox’s calming voice guiding her down from the ledge of her own self-inflicted doom.
Anastasia had taught her to be self-reliant and independent.
She hadn’t known what it was like to have a father, a brother, or even a male friend that prioritized her wellbeing.
Men had always been passing characters in her life.
Clouds floating in and out, never staying for too long.
Rory and Elder Muaka were the ones who had been there for her through it all.
It was different with Lennox. She liked that he challenged her. She liked that they could be vulnerable with each other. She liked that he took care of her, tried to keep her safe when all she felt was relentless fear.
Worst of all, she liked when their bodies were close, when their hands grazed, when she could feel his body heat. She liked it in passionate, careless, dangerous ways.
Maybe, just maybe, she hated that he had saved her because admitting she liked it was worse.
But she couldn’t let anything happen between them.
Lennox was a distraction—a very handsome one—and she had enough on her plate already.
Plus, she saw how people whispered about her when she passed.
Once her grades improved, she didn’t want anyone saying it was because Lennox helped her.
She wanted to earn her place at the Academy.
To deserve it. If people talked about her, she wanted it to be for the right reasons.
If her grades improved…
She had to stay focused. Which was why she needed Lennox to keep his stupid, perfect hands far, far away from her. His fingers explored hers, before settling into the crooks of her knuckles and she ripped her hand away.
“Mina, I…” He cleared his throat.
She looked up at him and tried not to give anything away, but the chemistry between them was getting harder and harder for her to ignore.
As soon as he moved away from her, it was like a magnet pulled her forward, urging her to get closer.
And the more time she spent with Lennox, the more he saved her stupid life and calmed her stupid anxiety and gave her stupid notebooks with stupid flowers on them, the more it intensified.
He lowered his voice even further. “What happened yesterday in Combat with Barrow…”
And just like that, the moment snapped, replaced by an evil chill.
Lennox was the last person she wanted to talk to about Barrow. Not only was the whole situation confusing, but it also made her feel shame in ways she couldn’t vocalize.
“You can talk to me.”
“It’s fine,” she lied, trying to sound confident. It came out a whisper.
“I shouldn’t have… reacted the way I did.”
“It’s not important.” She tried again to say it casually, but her throat dried at the lie. She shivered, rubbing her arms.
“Are you cold?” he asked, confused. “It’s like a billion degrees outside. Come here.” He opened his arms, and before she could overthink it she snuggled into his chest, relief sweeping over her.
“I really wish you’d just…” he sighed into her hair, his request hanging in the air.
“What do you want me to say?” she said, her words muffled by his chest.
They released each other and he took her hand gently in his. She couldn’t help but stare at his eyes as they passionately searched hers for some glimpse of an answer. “Come on secretive-mina. Talk to me.”
He tucked a loose curl behind her ear, and Ahmina’s breath caught in her chest. Time froze, as unthinkable scenarios ran through her mind.
Ones where their hands were on each other, where their bodies were entangled, where they shared more than words.
Evenings studying in the library together.
Shared meals in the mess hall, laughing at each other’s jokes.
Training sessions where she watched his toned muscle shift and brace against her attacks.
Sweaty and smiling together. Every moment she felt unsafe, insecure, or alone in this world, Lennox would be there to fill whatever was broken inside of her.
But then reality set in and she remembered she couldn’t go there with Lennox. Not now. Not if she wanted to get her grades up with some sense of self-respect. And Barrow had gotten close, too close, crossing a line that if Ahmina named, could jeopardize her entire position at the Academy.
“About Barrow, I—” he started.
“—I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But you can do better. You deserve better. You need to stick up for yourself.”
Flustered, she threw her weight into shoving him in the gut. “How’s this?” All of her feelings needed somewhere to go, and so she shot them right at Lennox. “I’m late.”
“UGH.” He leaned over, clutching his abdomen. “Okay! Too far. I pushed too far. But on the positive side, it looks like Combat practice has been paying off.”
Then Lennox mumbled something that sounded like try that move on Barrow, but when she asked him what he said, he just shook his head.
A tornado of desire for Lennox and shame for what happened with Barrow swirled inside of her, and suddenly she was furious.
Why was Lennox advising her on how to handle Barrow anyway?
What did he know? He was a respected student who knew nothing of what she faced, or what was on the line for her.
She pushed past him and headed down the empty hallway.
“Keep running your mouth and next time it will be my dagger, not my fist.”
“You haven’t even seen what my mouth can do, Mina-baby.”
She couldn’t help but picture his lips grazing her collarbone, her navel, her inner thigh, and she pushed the images from her mind, annoyed. They had a moment, a beautiful soft moment, and Lennox ruined it by bringing up Barrow.
And maybe Lennox was right. Maybe she could do better. Be better.
But today, honesty was buried by something more primal: the need to survive in this Goddess-be-dammed school.
She unsheathed her dagger and threw it in his direction. Her aim was horrible anyway, she knew she would miss. He caught it easily, pulling up beside her, one arm still wrapped around his ribs, the other holding her dagger. “How threatening,” he teased.
She chanced a glance at him, and he returned her gaze tentatively.
She knew he was trying to lighten the mood with humor as he always did, but she didn’t have the patience for it.
She stopped mid-stride. “You know,” she spat defensively, “I’m not a coward.
I’ve been training. I can and will gut you. ”
“Clearly.”
“I mean it.”
“Is that a promise?” He laughed. “I’d be into that if it’s coming from you.”
She crossed her arms, brows furrowed.
“Kinky.” He winked.
A small laugh escaped her lips, the tension breaking, and she tried to restrain it. “I’m serious.”
“Okay, okay.” He raised his hands in defense, relaxing at her smile.
“You’ll tear me up. Spill my insides. I get it.
But as much as I love whatever this is…” His eyes dragged up and down her, a slow smile creeping across his face like there wasn’t a single doubt in his mind that she wanted him, before his expression dropped into a concerned frown.
“When you’re ready to talk about what’s going on, I’m here. ”
Scowling, she strode forward again. “Nothing is going on, and you—” she stuttered. “You need to keep your distance. It’s called personal space. You’re making me late for class,” she said over her shoulder.
“You were already late for class.”
Ahmina kept her eyes ahead and focused on not letting the burning inside of her rob the last of her common sense. There was a fine line between her desire for Lennox and her logic, and she was tripping over it. She needed to get away from Lennox before she did something foolish like…
Push him against the wall and kiss him.
Tear off his shirt and run her hands through his hair, down his chest, back, and along the waistband of his pants.
She could forget her courses, Barrow, and her failure and just let go. Allow that ember to ignite into a wildfire.
“You really want me to keep my distance?”
“Yes, because…” What was she even saying? She had spiraled into a whirlpool of emotion and her headache had returned. “Because we are friends!”
“Friends?” he repeated like he had never heard the word.
“Friends!” She tried to ignore it. But she couldn’t stop the flutter in her heart, the heat raging at her core, and the quiet disappointment in her chest at the word friends.
“That’s a big step up from hating my guts… you sure?” he teased.
“I never hated your guts,” she said softly, mostly to herself.
How she felt was very un-friend-like.
Damn him.
Why was he so stupidly hot and charming and caring and—
She turned and scowled at him one last time before quickening her pace down the hall, only to realize she was heading in the opposite direction of the Apothecary. Still, she kept going out of sheer stubbornness.
“Friend-Mina?” he called after her. “Just so you know, you were never a coward.”
????
Later that night, Ahmina arrived at her dorm to find her dagger sitting on her bed.
She unpinned the little yellow flower from the leather cover of the notebook and set it in water on the windowsill.
Pulling out her textbook on plant life, she dropped it on the center of her bed with a thud before flopping down to study its contents.
It described the yellow flower as one of protection, self-love, and empowerment.
She lay in bed, staring at its golden petals until the sun rose.