Chapter 37
ALEX
It has been one month since I’ve seen Emilia Stiles in person, or heard her voice, or sent her a sexy text.
I have three pictures of her on my phone, and I stare at them every day.
I’m staring at one of them now as I sit on my back porch, finishing my dinner.
It’s from New Year’s. When I tiptoed down to the guest room at the crack of dawn and snuck into her bed.
Her blonde hair is fanned out around her head on the pillow as she looks back over her shoulder at me.
She’s wearing pink and white Hello Kitty pajamas and a tired smile that is welcoming and just a little bit cautious at the same time.
But she’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at her.
And it hurts to not look at her.
Ryder isn’t here, and twilight is the loneliest time of day again.
I’ve been working on my love story script with my screenwriter, focusing on the third act.
The part where everything goes to shit. I can’t say that everything’s shit exactly, for me, but I also can’t say that I haven’t listened to “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake five or ten times.
Just to torture myself. I also can’t say that I haven’t watched the end of Cinema Paradiso five or ten times, also for the purpose of torturing myself.
I don’t look for her when I drop Ryder off or pick him up, and I’m sure she goes out of her way to avoid seeing me around school.
But the truth is, separation can somehow make you feel closer to a person sometimes.
Longing is an invisible, angsty tether that ties me to Emilia.
And it turns out I’m really comfortable being a brooding artist, even when I know who I want and that it’s only a matter of time before I can have her again.
Although, there is one thing that I really wish I could talk to her about.
And I just want to kiss those pretty pink lips again.
I zoom in on her mouth in the photo, and it takes my brain a couple of seconds to convince me that I’m not hallucinating when the image disappears and it says “ES calling” on my phone’s screen.
I answer as soon as I realize it’s her. “Hi.”
“Hi…” she says softly.
Her voice in my ear is all it takes for my heart to convince me that I’m alive again.
“I was just thinking about you.”
“Um… I’m calling you as Ryder’s teacher… To talk about Ryder.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve just noticed that he seems a little…disheartened lately. Have you noticed that?”
“Yeah. Of course I’ve noticed.”
“Is there something I should know?”
Yes. Everything sucks without you. A bright, shining star has collapsed, and we’re in an emotional black hole here without you. Space and time are deformed, and there’s no light. But I can see everything in my past and everything in my future, and it all orbits around you and Ryder.
I clear my throat and tell her, “Nova came back last week. She left the show because she found out she’s pregnant. And she wants to keep the baby. She’s getting married to this guy she met. A guy who was in China on a business trip.”
“Oh. Where does he live?”
“He lives in LA, fortunately. But he wants them to move into his house in Los Feliz. Nova’s been staying there. So Ryder’s staying there when he’s not with me.”
“So this guy’s house isn’t in my school’s district?”
“No, but if they actually go through with moving to his place, we’ll just keep my address on file with the school. He doesn’t want to go to a new one.”
“Good. I mean, that’s one less change to worry about.”
“It takes about ten minutes to drive to the guy’s house from here, but still.”
“Yeah. Still.”
“Anyway, she didn’t tell Ryder or me about any of this until I took him to her house, when she called to tell me she’d just gotten back.
She said she wanted to tell us in person.
She introduced us to the guy—Patrick—right then.
It’s typical Nova. She means well, and I think she’s genuinely surprised that Ryder isn’t thrilled by all of it.
He’s just a little confused by all the news and changes. Insecure.”
“Wow. Of course he is. Poor thing. I mean, I guess it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Did you like the man she’s marrying? Patrick? Is he nice?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. I think he’s a good guy. It’s just that Ryder’s staying with a total stranger in a new place all of a sudden.”
“And he doesn’t know what will happen when they get married and have a baby.”
“Yeah. I got Nova to agree to let me have him four nights a week, instead of every other week like we usually do. I tried to convince her to let him stay with me during the week, but it’s not like Nova and Ryder don’t want to see each other.
So this is what we’ll do for now, anyway.
I don’t know what else I can do, other than let him know I’m always here for him. ”
I would love it if you were always here for him with me is what I want to say.
She is quiet for a long time, and so am I. If I say any of the things I want to say to her, it would just be manipulative. It would just make her feel worse. And I only ever want to make her feel good.
On a sigh, she finally says, “I hate not being able to see you.”
“Me too.”
“I miss you more than I can say.”
“Me too.”
“Are you doing okay?”
“Just working. A lot. Are things okay with you? At school?”
“It’s fine. Things are fine.”
“Miss Farrell isn’t giving you any more trouble?”
“I mean, I don’t exactly love seeing her stupid pointy face every day, but it’s fine. Things are fine.”
“Okay.”
“I hope Ryder will feel better soon. I’m sure he just needs a while to get used to things.”
“Yeah. He will. He’s with them now. I’ll call to check on him.”
“Well, I’ll see him in the morning, and I’ll see you…in my dreams.”
“Bye, Emilia.”
She makes that little hiccupping sound again. “Bye, Alex.”