Chapter 38
38
Lis
F ive days. He’s been gone five days and I’m pretty sure I’m dying.
He’s not even really gone, though. Or maybe he is. I don’t know.
I knew he would be in the city all week, I was prepared for that part. I was prepared to spend all weekend just being with him, neither one of us scheduled to work.
I never imagined that I would lose him.
Stupid .
So instead of hanging out all weekend with Aidan, I wake up on Gracyn’s couch again. Not that I really slept. I can’t.
“Hey, what are you doing awake so early?” Gracyn shuffles out and drops down in the corner of the couch.
“Not really sleeping all that great.” I push up so I’m sitting in the opposite corner, blankets all wrapped around me. “What did I miss? I just don’t understand, G.”
She doesn’t have the answer any more than I do.
There is no answer.
“You should come out with us tonight, Lis. Just for one drink—” She starts pushing as soon as I start shaking my head.
“I don’t think so. I…I have things I have to take care of today. I need,” Lord, this hurts, “I need to find a place to live.”
I twist the blanket around my fingers, avoiding looking at her.
“Nuh uh. This is your apartment too. You can stay here as long as you need.”
“I can’t. It’s not fair to you and it sure isn’t fair to Kate. She moved in here to get away from relationship shit, she doesn’t need mine.”
I’m feeling so sorry for myself, I can’t even pretend to hide it.
“Fine. Look for a place, but you can’t commit to anything today. Promise me. And come out for a drink with us. You can’t sit here all weekend, you have to get out.”
I open my laptop and start looking for a place to live while Gracyn makes coffee. There’s nothing. Nothing I can afford alone.
“Mornin’.” Kate stumbles out in a hungover haze and heads straight for the kitchen.
I know it’s fruitless, but I do a search for roommates wanted and come up empty there as well. Kate and Gracyn bring steaming cups of coffee and the rest of last night’s pizza, dropping the box on a stack of magazines on the table.
Kate dives into the pizza, not saying another word until she’s downed two slices. “So, you’re going out with us tonight?”
Jesus, it’s not even ten o’clock in the morning and the hungover kindergarten teacher is making drinking plans for the night.
I tilt my head side to side, not ready to commit. “Maybe? I guess?”
Kate nods like it’s a done deal—set in stone—while I’m still trying to think of ways to get out of going.
“I’m gonna run some errands this morning, I-I’ll be back later.”
I climb off the couch, starting back toward Gracyn’s room. She cleared some space in her closet for me but this needs to end. I can’t stay on the couch for much longer.
“Want me to come with you?” Gracyn is right behind me. Ready to catch me, like she knows I’m gonna fall.
“No, I just…” I don’t know what I need. Well, I do, but he’s gone. “I just need some alone time. I need to figure this out, G.”
I grab some clothes and shower as fast as I can. I miss my bathroom. I miss my tub. I miss Aidan.
I get in my car and drive aimlessly. People are out, living their lives and I’m—I’m what? Sleeping on my best friend’s couch, because someone else is living in my old room.
Just like someone else is loving my old boyfriend.
I stop at the farmer’s market on my way through town and grab a couple peaches and a scone. Cold pizza didn’t do it for me earlier.
Without thinking, I drive north toward the river and head to the mansion. I sit on the massive stone deck, leaning against a marble column. Usually this place gives me such peace, a sense of calm. Today, my heart hurts and being here, looking out over the water does nothing for me.
I wander down to the gardens. The gardens . If I can’t get him out of my mind, I might as well surround myself with him. Make myself sick on the memories of us. Maybe then, I can purge them. I sit on steps where Aidan stood taking the picture of me that hangs on our bedroom wall.
My mind won’t stop racing through our time together. Looking for the signs I obviously missed. The signs that there was someone else and once again, I am temporary and easily replaced.
“Lisbeth, you have a minute?” Francie calls to me from the bakery across the street. I’d stayed in the garden far longer than I had planned and of course, got nowhere on finding a place to live. “Come, let me buy you a cuppa and a treat, yeah?”
With a quick check for traffic, I cross the street and run straight into Francie’s arms. He holds me tight and pats my back, shushing me until my grip around him relaxes a bit. He guides me inside and to the counter.
“Hey, Roxie, can I have a large iced coffee with almond milk?” I place my order and move to the side.
“A cuppa black for me and two of those chocolate tortes for us. Thanks, love.”
I hit the trifecta—groan, eye roll and smile at sweet Francie. “The chocolate. How’d you know I need that?”
“Figure we need it for our chat. How’re ya?”
He steps back giving me the lead to find a table. We settle in by the window and Roxie places our yummies in front of us and skips away. I want to feel that carefree again.
“I’m alright.” I shrug a shoulder and pick at the smattering of raspberries centered on the torte.
“Yeah? You’re not a very good liar. Never have been.” Francie eyes me over his steaming mug and chuckles. “Haven’t seen much of ye this week.”
I fight the tears and push a big sigh out through my nose, lips rolled in between my teeth. I shrug again.
“I didn’t really feel like peopling this week.”
“Stop playin’ wit’ your food and eat it already. Where’ve you been? Stayin’ wit’ Gracyn? Doesn’t she have a new roommate now?”
I nod, taking a bite of the dense chocolate cake. Trying hard not to think of all the times Aidan and I shared this dessert—the heat in his eyes as I slid the decadent confection off my fork.
“Mhmmm. I looked online for a new place, but I can’t afford anything on my own, and the whole strange roommate thing freaks me out. I-I miss?—”
“I know. Still don’t understand what happened,” he says.
I have nothing to say. I don’t really know what happened either, so I stare out the window and avoid looking at my friend. When enough time has passed, that he knows I’m not going to make eye contact, Francie pulls an envelope from his shirt pocket and places it on the table in front of me.
“He came by Sunday. Asked me to make sure ye got this. I held off hoping he’d come to his senses, but…”
I tear my eyes away from the pot of flowers I’ve been staring at and look at the envelope. My name is scrawled across the front of it. Aidan’s ridiculously beautiful writing over the top of an odd bulge.
“I don’t want it. I don’t need his excuses.”
I push it away, the bulge taking shape.
Nonono .
Tears form and hang on my lashes. “I can’t, Francie.”
“Lissy, I don’t know much about anythin’ other than nothin’, but I can recognize when things have gone tits up. You’re both thinkin’ the worst and maybe…maybe you’re both wrong.” He slides a napkin across the table to me. “Do you want me to leave ye while ye read it?”
I dab at my tears and shake my head. “Stay.” I hold the envelope, feeling the weight of it, knowing that it’s going to rip the scab off the barely stemmed flow of my fragile heart.
I unfold his note, placing the ring on table next to my plate. The words blur as my hands tremble and shake.
Lisbeth,
This ring is yours, always. How you wear it is up to you. I want it all, but I’m afraid I’ve driven you away and that was never my intent.
I’m away to Dublin to see my family and give you the space you need. The last thing I ever wanted was to become a distraction. You and your needs were always first and foremost in my mind.
Our flat is paid up through the end of your school term. Stay there. I want to know that you’ve a safe place to stay. I’ll stay at the loft when I get back.
“Too many people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.” I value every moment we’ve spent together, and every memory we’ve made.
I love you always,
Aidan
Oscar Wilde—he quoted Oscar Wilde. My heart tap dances beneath my ribs.
“I don’t know where you both got lost, but I’ve not seen that man as devastated since he showed up in my pub after his brother died, Lis. Sure, it didn’t help that Finn got his fists to him first, but Aidan was ruined.”
I twirl the ring around on the table, lift it and test it out on my pointer finger, spinning it around. “What do you mean? Finn hit him?”
Something feels off—wrong—somehow.
“Called him to the pub Sunday morning and laid him low. Told him how things might’ve looked to ye, not knowing Lorna.” Francie stacks his empty plates and pushes them to the edge of the table.
“What?”