Chapter 20
Eli
What the fuck?
I stared at the saddle in the dirt. My heart raced. Fire ate up my whole damn torso. But all I could think about was how close that hoof had been to her head.
“Eli?”
“What!”
My dad didn’t bother answering.
August pulled Denver to the side and tied his reins to the rails.
I tried to stand, but got as far as hunched, leaning on bent knees like an old man. Dust started settling. The heat hadn’t bothered me before, but now it was damn near suffocating.
Bravado? Did she think I was trying to show off? Why was it that the harder I worked, the more pissed everyone got? Maybe I’d just take Denver and ride into the freaking sunset by myself. Except first, I think I needed to lie down.
August ran up and offered me a hand. “Are you good, my friend?”
“No.”
“The horse, did it kick you?”
“No.”
He stared at me for a few seconds. “Maybe we should take you–”
“No! Damnit, August. Just give me a second!”
Dad’s boots came into view. “Perhaps this isn’t a good day to take a ride.”
“Ya think?”
“Don’t be smart with me.”
“No. That’s Hannah’s job.”
Dad scoffed. “Hannah has nothing to do with this.”
“Well, this is her damn horse, and we’re taking care of it! Tell me how it’s not about her?”
It went quiet for a blessed minute.
Then August made a sound like a deflating tire and said, “I thought maybe this would help her to get better. To see everything goes okay.”
I forced myself upright. “What do you mean? Get better from what?”
He scratched the back of his head, making me wait. “This is a little like when Jason died.”
“What? Jason, as in, her husband?”
“He tried to ride a new horse with a lot of spirit. A rescue.” August’s eyes cut to Denver. “The horse threw him. I think maybe that is what she is seeing.”
“Seeing?”
Was she having a PTSD attack? Your stupid bravado is going to ruin everything! Was she talking to me? Or her husband? My eyes narrowed on August. And he knew?
“What the hell, man! Why didn’t you say something?”
For once, the Latino popstar didn’t smile. I glanced up at the house. Anger, worry, pain. It was too much to deal with all at once. I had to pick one.
“Do something with Denver,” I told him.
I didn’t wait for an answer. Just started jogging. Adrenaline masked my pain. I had no idea what I’d find. I thought she’d lost her mind, or maybe gotten all territorial about the horse. Or August.
Inside the den, Marley and Nina were sitting eerily silent next to all of Nina’s doll stuff. They stared at me as Ava’s sobs bled through the wall.
It came out a little breathless when I said, “Hey, Mar, take Nina upstairs?”
She stood without arguing. “Come on, Nina. Let’s make cookies for your mom. It’ll make her feel better.”
Nina hesitated, but took Marley’s hand and followed her up to the kitchen.
I moved to the bedroom door that separated me from the woman who flipped my whole world upside down. “Ava?” No response. Just more gut-wrenching sobs. I leaned my forehead against the wood and closed my eyes. This was my fault.
“Ava, honey, let me in.”
I twisted the handle, but the door didn’t budge.
Even if her tears were for another man, I had to fix it.
I shoved a shoulder into the wood until the burning in my side made me dizzy.
Then I tried again, forcing it open enough to squeeze through.
Enough to see her hunched on the floor with her back against the door.
She immediately popped up and bombarded me with angry fists.
“Go away!” Each blow landed on a different sore spot.
Son of a bottle-opener. “Ava–”
“I said get out!”
I had no intention of running away. Tears cut trails down her face, and they ripped a hole in me. I wasn’t her husband–probably nothing like the guy. I might never make her feel better, but I knew a thing or two about feeling alone. About how easy it was to let darkness eat you alive.
“I’m not gonna leave, but it would be really great if you could stop hitting me.”
She landed a solid punch into my shoulder. I caught her next swing in one hand, but she brought the other fist into my ribs, and I saw stars. Still, the tears in her eyes hurt more.
“How could you?” she cried. “What are you trying to prove?”
“Nothing.”
“Do we mean nothing to you?”
“No.”
“Then why? Why would you do that? People need you, you know!”
Was she talking to me? Or Jason?
She pushed off my chest and spun, pacing to the other side of the empty room. Her body shook and started to sway. “I can’t. I …”
I moved in, catching her right before she crumbled, holding her to me, wrapping my arms around her like a seat belt.
Shudders ran up her spine, and her small voice cracked when she said, “It’s my fault. I should have said something.”
I brought us gently to the floor. “You did. That’s why I’m here.”
She shook her head as another sob broke outta her chest. I wrapped my arms tighter, like the saddle tie she ragged on me for. I knew her pain wasn’t for me. I held her, anyway.
“Ava, I didn’t know about your husband. I’m sorry I yelled. You just–you scared me to death back there.”
She grew still, so still, except for the rapid heartbeat that smashed into my chest, threatening to swallow me whole.
“Ava, you gotta breathe.”
She shook her head.
“No? You’re not gonna breathe? Why not?”
“Because it might all come out.”
It didn’t already? I held her closer, broken ribs be damned. “Fine, let it.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“I-I can’t,” she whispered.
“Hey.” I rested my cheek on her head. She smelled fruity. Feminine. The kind of paradise you wanted to wake up to every morning. “You’re not alone, okay? I got you.”
She curled into me, like a cat on my lap.
Like I was safety.
Even though I never really felt all that stable. Even though I couldn’t commit to a place, let alone a person.