Chapter 33 #2
We had no time machine to bring us back, and I was not the same person I’d been. It could never be the same. I understood that now. I let Kip’s words ruminate. “What makes you happy?”
As if on cue, my phone pinged with a text from Bill.
Bill: Nina and I are going to the library. We will pick up dinner on the way home. See you soon. :)
I smiled at his full sentences and use of punctuation.
What makes me happy? A simple answer to a simple question. And horrible timing. Without Eli, Luke probably wouldn’t stay. Marley had to go home–she’d be starting school soon. When Terry closed escrow, he’d drive off to live his best retired life, maybe with Kip. Bill would also sell.
Everyone was leaving.
I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes. The sun baked my skin, and the wind whipped my hair in every direction. My path had a few more curves to go.
“Drink water,” August said as soon as we entered the house. He left my sapling in the truck and trailed me into the kitchen. No doubt to ensure I followed directions.
While I hydrated, my eyes skated over the doorway that led to the garage via the mudroom.
I’d once speculated on Eli’s science of leaving.
Owning only enough to fit inside a single duffel.
But I’d never expected him to disappear so quickly.
It led me to a single conclusion: his only reason to stay was for me.
If he’d planned to stay at all. And that wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t want to be the source of resentment five years down the road if things fell apart.
To owe him for giving up his life for me.
Bill was right. He had to do it because he wanted it for himself.
How could he just up and leave, though? He told me he’d be around! What if I needed him to … to teach me how to lift weights? Not even a goodbye!
I left my glass on the counter and collected my crutches. “I’ll be right back.” Maybe Bill misunderstood. Maybe it was just an overnight errand. Maybe Eli left a note. That was his thing, sweet nothings signed xoxo.
My underarms burned, and my back spasmed as I climbed the studio stairs, but his door stood ajar, like a welcoming wave inside. I had to see for myself. To understand what he was thinking. Because a part of me wanted to call him and tell him to turn around.
I stormed into the room, my eyes scanning inch by inch for a Post-it or an envelope.
An easy task, because every surface–the counter, the nightstand, the desk–was bare and bland, as if he’d never been there at all.
No wrinkles in the made bed. No papers on the desk.
No coin piles on the counter. The emptiness seeped into my skin, changing the laws of gravity.
I suddenly struggled to hold myself upright.
He’d done what he’d always intended to do.
To veer back to his old life. Could I blame him?
I’d given him all the green lights, then suddenly barricaded the road.
Seeing it made it real. He left. And it wasn’t less, not by a long shot.
I moved deeper into the room, desperate for something.
A small piece of him. If it hadn’t been for Eli, who knows where we would’ve ended up?
My crutch sent something skidding across the smooth wooden floor.
A frayed baseball cap.
Eli’s baseball cap.
I thought I had nothing left to break. But as my crutches fell to the ground, my heart cracked in two. I did this.
Footsteps thundered up the stairs, and a moment later, August appeared in the doorway. “You are okay? I heard a loud noise.”
I bent to pick up Eli’s trademark cap and ran my fingers along the worn brim. I wanted to take it all back. To suck the words straight from the source into the vacuum of space so he’d never hear them, not even by accident. “I lied, August. I told him I didn’t want him.”
August sighed, taking Eli’s hat from my fingers. “He’s not so stupid. He knows better.”
“Then why would he leave?” It was easy to say he needed to stay for himself, but to honor that proved a much harder challenge.
August’s mouth twisted to the side in uncertainty.
How could I fix this? Whether by happenstance or divine intervention, I’d found exactly what I’d been looking for. Eli wasn’t more. He was the balance I couldn’t seem to give myself. The rest in between hectic ambitions. A teammate, not an extra inning.
My kindhearted boy who rescued strays with peanut butter cups and ham sandwiches. Such a simple act. A breath amidst chaos and desperation. Was it any wonder I fell so hard?
Maybe that was it? He thought we didn’t need him because we weren’t stranded anymore?
I had a down payment in my savings account.
We could buy a house. Something outside the city with a yard big enough for a horse, maybe two.
Or a boarding ranch with a mountain view.
Was it wrong to entertain that fantasy when this place was meant for Eli?
“Hey, Amor.” August smacked my head with the soft side of the baseball cap. “Stop what you’re doing. It’s no good.”
I grabbed Eli’s prized possession from his loose grip and curled my fingers over the faded bill. “What am I doing?”
“You think it’s because of you. He’s a man. He makes his own choices.” August picked up my crutches and held them out. “Come. Have a beer with me. And more water. You cry a lot today.”
As I sat at the kitchen table with my untouched beer and Eli’s cap in front of me, a new emotion surfaced. Why was this here? Was he okay? When I pulled out my phone, I stared at the screen for a good ten seconds. If the roles were reversed, would I answer? I honestly couldn’t say.
My finger tapped the call button, and I held the phone to my ear.
It went to voicemail.