Chapter 40 Hazel
Hazel
I kept checking my phone to see if the taxi had arrived. Crowds bustled around in a hurry, people rushing for flights, reclaiming baggage, hugging loved ones. The noise was everywhere, but my mind felt sealed in a glass jar, my heart pounding.
I just needed to give my thank-yous, say our goodbyes, and get out of here. I could feel Luke next to me like gravity, like something pulling at the edge of my ribs, making it hard to breathe.
On the plane, I did everything in my power not to let him see how broken I was.
Even when my hand found his on the airplane, knowing he needed comfort more than I needed the distance.
Luke had been quiet the entire flight. So was I.
Not because there was nothing to say, but because what mattered most had already been said in silence. We both knew this would end eventually.
“Home sweet home, right!?” I turned to him, pasting on a smile too wide. I was trying too hard, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to get this over with. Luke looked at me like he had a million things to say. But he didn’t.
Ask him to stay, a small voice in my head screamed.
But what I wanted didn’t matter. He was the one who didn’t want a relationship from the beginning.
It would be delusional to mistake that look for anything other than pity.
I couldn’t beg. It wouldn’t even have mattered if I did. So I swallowed my hurt.
“It was an amazing trip, Luke. Thank you so much for taking me, I needed the sun and... a little break from life.” I sighed, remembering all my responsibilities at home.
“Of course,” Luke said, forcing a laugh. “It’s me who should thank you. You saved our asses.” I looked toward the exit.
“My taxi is almost here, so I’m gonna go. Thank you again. For everything.” My voice cracked slightly. I had to go. I couldn’t cry, not again. I turned away, but an arm grabbed me, stopping me mid-step.
“Hazel, wait!”
Luke’s arms wrapped around me, his head buried in my neck. I tensed. Why was he doing this? It was already too hard.
“I’m sorry,” he said, voice thick with emotion. “I... I can’t.”
On the other hand, the fact that he didn’t want me didn’t mean it wasn’t hard for him, too. I hugged him back and ran my hand up his back, trying to make it easier on him. Pretend that he wasn’t destroying me. His arms tightened, and I melted into him, breathing him in.
“It’s fine, Luke. F.I.N.E.” I forced a smile, even though I felt nothing close to fine.
I felt devastated. “We both knew. I knew. I don’t expect anything more from you, and you were gentlemen just as you promised.
Well, except for a couple of occasions, the blouse and—” I sighed, shaking the memory out of my head. “—never mind.” A laugh escaped me.
“I’ll still see you and remember your coffee order—black, a pinch of cinnamon, extra shot. We’re friends after all.”
Oh no. The tears. Please don’t let him see me that way. He was still holding me, refusing to let go.
A montage of unrealized moments flashed before my eyes.
I could have stayed in bed with him longer, let his touch linger on my skin.
I could have watched him smile more when he forgot to be careful. When he let himself be happy.
We could have talked about our future. Our dreams. Our regrets. The places we wanted to go. The people we used to be.
We could have stayed and tried.
We could have been something.
I pulled back just an inch, just enough to breathe. I actually felt my heart crack from the inside.
Please, let me go. Just let me go.
Luke finally released me from his embrace. I quickly wiped my eyes and made a big smile.
“Hazel, if something... happens. If you ever need help, please call me.” His eyes were full of pain, and I nodded to reassure him. “Just ask me.”
My heart screamed.
He couldn’t give me the things that I wanted. Even if I asked. And despite everything, I still wanted to protect him, too—from a world that took more than it ever gave, from people who believed that Luke being useful was more important than Luke feeling loved.
“Just remember,” I said, the quiver in my voice betraying me, “your heart deserves to breathe, too.” I smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Take care, Luke.” Then I turned and walked away before he could lift his eyes. I didn’t give him the chance to stop me again.
The painful truth was I’d be his if he asked. But the men I wanted in my life never seemed to want me back. At least, they didn’t want me enough.