Chapter 42 Hazel
Hazel
We were walking through the park, the sun high up in the sky, burning my cheeks. Good thing I used SPF religiously.
It was my mom’s birthday, and like last year, Mady was with me.
We were leisurely looking for pebbles and chatting.
Lately, it had been her venting about all her office drama.
With all the work trips she’d been taking lately, she always returned with a new batch of chaos to unload.
It was her way of releasing some pent-up energy.
Her career had taken off, but I knew she hated being away from New York and John so often. She felt guilty above everything else.
“How about we check out the photographers for the wedding?” I asked. “I know we have time, but those are always the first ones to get booked, right after the venue.”
“Hazel, do you really think I want to talk about the wedding right now?!”
I blinked at her, confused, but then it hit me. I sighed. I wasn’t used to sharing my troubles with other people.
“Have you seen him?” she asked more quietly. More carefully. I shook my head, eyes fixed on the pebble I kicked out of my path.
“Not since coming back.” She gave me a sympathetic look.
After leaving the airport, I went straight to Mady’s. I’d texted her before I could second-guess myself. A part of me felt guilty for bothering her, but within seconds, I received Canceling my afternoon.
When she opened the doors of her apartment, I couldn’t hide my tears.
We spent the whole day just talking—about my dad, Jackson.
About Luke. How he warned me not to expect anything from him and how I fell for him anyway.
Like a fool. It felt like a weight lifted, but at the same time, the pain simmered in her voice.
“How in the hell did you not tell me any of this before?”
“I’m sorry... I didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t want to trouble you. You’ve got enough on your plate already. Your job, John, the wedding.” She formed a fist and punched my forearm.
“Ouch. Mady!”
“So it wasn’t a big deal, or you didn’t want to trouble me with it? Which one is it, you liar?!” Angry Mady had always been a beast. But the worry in her voice was undeniable. “We are friends. Best friends. We don’t hide things like this from each other. Got it?”
I nodded, and her tone softened. “Now, start from the beginning.”
“That sexy douchebag,” Mady cursed under her breath, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“It’s not like I expected anything from him,” I said quietly.
“Well, I did,” Mady said defensively, warming my heart.
Truthfully, I did, too. I didn’t think he’d suddenly want something serious, but I thought he’d at least come by for his usual coffee.
He hadn’t even done that. Maybe it was too awkward now.
I was officially a former fling. Maybe that was all I’d ever be.
I promised him we’d stay friends, but now I wondered if, yet again, it was something I’d imagined in my head. Fool.
I kicked at some pebbles, watching them scatter into the grass as Mady and I settled in our usual park spot. We’d already found a few stones to write our confessions on. The words, though... hadn’t quite found me yet.
“He’s an idiot, Hazel. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. If he can’t see that, it’s a miracle he’s employed. He’s clearly not that bright.”
A sad laugh escaped me, but my guess was that only time would help. At least that’s what my experience has always been. That was why we were here. To remember and then let go.
“But if that makes you feel better, I could wait for him outside his office and knee him in the ballsack, since you know... You have no need of it anymore.” She casually demonstrated a kneeing motion right into the imaginary groin of justice.
“I appreciate the offer, but let’s leave Luke’s ballsack in peace,” I chuckled, earning a weird look from a passing couple.
I pulled out two black markers and handed her one.
I already knew what I’d write on one side.
I hadn’t played since Mom died. I wasn’t exceptional, but I loved it—the way my fingers moved over the keys, how the music wrapped around me, filling my ears and warming my soul.
I haven’t done that in a while, but Alex and Ava’s engagement inspired me to at least try. For that, I was grateful.
I wrote piano and flipped the stone over to face the hardest part. I always approached this side with caution. Because we need the rain in our lives, otherwise we’d just take the sun for granted and complain about the glare.
Moments rushed through my mind with force, each one jostling for attention.
Was it still losing my mom? Will it always be the worst thing that has ever happened to me? Every year? Was it that I fell in love? With Luke... Was it that I lost Luke?
A deep breath left me, and I felt... exhausted. I wrote a single letter L on it. Whichever it was, I had to let it go.
To survive. To breathe.
Even though the hurt felt suffocating, I knew I’d always cherish the moments. I’d hold on to them for a while, because as hard as it was to admit, I felt happy with the choices I allowed myself to make. For once, I felt alive.
I glanced at Mady, and she gave me a small nod. With a shout, we both hurled our stones into the water, and as they splashed, I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Mady pulled me into a tight hug, and I squeezed her back. “I love you, girl,” she said, her voice full of warmth.
“I love you too, Mady. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Probably binge-watch some trash TV, while eating questionable gas station sushi.”
We both laughed, and I felt sunshine peeking through the cracks in my heart, chasing my rainy clouds away.
* * *
I returned to O’Riley’s just in time for my shift. Thomas had covered for me for an extra hour, and I promised to return the favor on his next shift.
“I’m taking Linda to see the opera,” he said.
“Opera?! Thomas, you hate opera,” I chuckled at the thought of him in a suit listening to incomprehensible high-pitched Italian.
“That’s true,” he said slowly, lowering his voice, “but Linda loves it, and... I don’t hate Linda.
” My cheeks warmed as he described his love for her as “not hate.” My smile gave me away, and his expression shifted.
“All right, all right, calm down. Don’t start Parent Trapping us yet.
” I raised my hands in surrender, choosing to skip the lecture about how he clearly had no idea what the phrase even meant.
Meanwhile, the coffee shop was filling up. We worked side by side for the next hour, with me on the register and Thomas making drinks.
“Double caramel latte with extra foam,” I told Thomas, handing him an order for a girl whose nose ring was clearly infected and who should probably lay off the sugar and caffeine for a bit.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t our criminal mastermind Hazel?” I halted, recognizing the voice. I turned and saw Logan towering over the counter, Alex beside him, and Ethan on his phone behind them. My gaze casually scanned the crowd, but he wasn’t here.
“Well, don’t tell anyone. I have an image to uphold,” I smirked, trying to disguise my chuckle as amusement at his absurd comment rather than at my own foolishness.
I took their order and asked Thomas to switch places so I could make their drinks and chat. It didn’t take much effort. I could barely sneak in a word in Alex’s rant about how he had already forgotten how to work after the beach, and how his suits felt too tight.
“So, where’s Luke?” I asked, since they always moved as a group of gazelles, and he was clearly missing. Maybe he was sick or working remotely.
“Hard at work, I’m afraid,” Alex said.
“Mmhm” was all I could manage. It wasn’t like he had an obligation towards me. Or to this coffee place. I believe they have a kitchen in their workplace. Maybe he wasn’t avoiding me. Maybe he just wasn’t that interested in me anymore.
I performed my best everything’s-back-to-normal smile as we chit-chatted about their return and Ava firing a kitchen staff member on the first day back. I feared her as much as I loved her.
I put four cups of coffee and scribbled a name on one of them. Ethan ended his call and raised an eyebrow at the cup with Luke’s name.
“On the house,” I said, tucking a small folded paper slip between the cup and the holder. Ethan gave me a sympathetic smile as I slid forward the cinnamon-infused liquid.
I had to let him go.
The rest of the day flowed. Mostly, it was sleep-deprived students, clinging to double espressos and caramel macchiatos as they tried to survive the spring semester.
I went for a short break, leaving Thomas to handle things, though my body was there only in habit.
My mind kept circling back to the thought that this was just another low point in a string of them, one more dip in the messy pattern of my life.
But that’s okay because those never lasted.
Something good would happen. It had to, by sheer logic.
I massaged my neck and closed my eyes, trying to meditate a bit. The city air was nowhere near as fresh as the one I’d spent the last two weeks in, but despite that, something calmed in me.
I returned inside just as the first raindrops tapped the windows, but within five minutes, it was full-on storming. I checked the weather app on my phone, which let me know that the storm was going to last all evening and half the night.
I could ask Thomas for a ride, and yet I hesitated. That familiar dark cloud of doubt about asking too much crept into my mind. But a small voice reminded me that there was a strength in asking for help.
Thomas might have had other plans, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. We were friends, and I knew he cared.
After hyping myself up for almost twenty minutes and finally asking him to take me home, he unsurprisingly agreed. A quiet pride washed over me, for getting through this tiny, ridiculous, totally insignificant thing created by my overdramatic, overthinking mind.
“Oh, by the way, somebody left this for you.”
Thomas handed me a tiny box wrapped in brown kraft paper and tied with a blue satin ribbon. I looked at him, confused, but he just shrugged his shoulders.
Why would somebody leave me a gift? And why not give it to me directly? I’ve been here for the past couple of hours. What if it was Jackson?
I swallowed, pushing my anxiety down, and tore open the box, when suddenly my heart froze. Nestled inside was a smooth, flat stone, and etched into its surface were two words.
Meeting you.
The weight of the moment hit me like a tidal wave, settling deep inside me. My mom’s birthday. Except for Mady, I’d told only...
Luke.
He remembered.
My gaze darted around the place, searching for him, but somehow I already knew he was gone. This was the first time he’d reached out since the trip.
Was it the highlight of his year, or the moment he regretted the most?
I turned the stone over in my palm, and the same words were etched there. Because for him, I was both.
A small, bitter laugh slipped out. And the thing was... I understood him completely.
Him wanting to protect me. Him wanting me.
Him knowing, in the quiet corners of his mind, that we’d never truly work.
Him giving all of himself, yet refusing to give us a chance.
Him hating himself for the way he was hurting us both. Or maybe just me.
Ultimately...
Him not willing to change his ways, bound to the person he was.
It wasn’t fair or right. But it was him. And maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Because even in all his flaws, he was still the one person I wanted.
My person.
However, I never expected him to change his life for me. I was the rule, not his exception, and that’s fine. Maybe there would never be one for him, but hurt colored my heart anyway.
The fact that he couldn’t fall in love didn’t matter. It was that he couldn’t feel love towards me that hurt.
The worst thing, though, was that I already knew all of that. Maybe I didn’t see his heart so clearly before, but I knew him. And I let myself fall for him anyway.
I squeezed the stone in my hand, pressing it to my chest, and closed my eyes, as a surge of emotions hit me all at once.
The best and worst thing that happened to me this year?
It was you, Luke!