Disgrace
Aviana
“No, I didn’t do anything!” I scream, panic rising in my chest. “Please, don’t.”
My body shakes, and I jerk, almost headbutting Scarlet.
“You good?” she asks, sounding a little confused.
“Umm, sorry. I must’ve been having a nightmare.” After glancing around, I ask, “Wait, how did I get back to my cabin?”
“What do you mean? You’ve been here all night. At least, you were here before we came back an hour ago.”
“Nightshade…” I mumble under my breath.
“Nightshade? What about it?”
“I was on the trail…”
“Did you get into some nightshades? Do you need to see the medical team?”
“No!” I yelp, pulling away as she leans in to touch me. “Just let me shower, and I’ll be fine. Thank you.”
After the shower, I swipe my arm across the mirror, finally seeing myself clearly. A rash has spread across parts of my skin. “Did I fall into Nightshade?” I ask myself. “What happened?”
I slip into my pajamas—loose nightshirt and shorts—and grab my brush. Carrying it with me, I walk over to the bedside, sitting on the edge. I run the brush through my hair, the soft bristles gliding through the strands as I try to let go of the tension from the day. The night outside is still dark, and the quiet wraps around me. When I’m done, I place the brush beside me and settle under the covers, the calm of the night finally settling in.
** *
Past
Age 10
It’s been three days since I last saw Mr. Widlow. He’s been avoiding me. Mrs. Widlow hasn’t come to my room the past few nights to brush my hair or tuck me in.
Yesterday, I went over to a friend’s house and thought about using their phone to call Ms. Calley. Their mom caught me picking up the phone and assumed I was calling Mr. and Mrs. Widlow for a ride home. I quickly told her, “Don’t worry about it, I forgot I had my bike. It’s all good!”
When I got home, I made sure to park my bike in the garage. Since it was dinner time, I ran to the kitchen. All I found was a bologna sandwich with a pickle and a handful of potato chips. Another cold dinner.
“Oh, it’s just you,” Mrs. Widlow says as she enters the room. “I thought you were Brandon.”
“No, ma’am. Just me. Mrs. Widlow, can we please talk? I didn’t do anything wrong,” I say to her, innocently.
“Just eat your dinner, girl. Don’t talk to me.” she responds.
***
Leave the hurt of the day behind.
The world has been heavy, I know it’s been long,
But here in my arms, you’ll always belong.
No more goodbyes, no more new homes,
Rest now, my love—you’re not alone.
“Aviana? Are you okay?” Scarlet asks from her bed as I hum a song Mrs. Widlow used to sing to me before bed.
“I’m fine,” I reply, my voice firm.
“I was just asking.”
I turn off the light above my bed, and crawl under the covers.
Rest now, my love—you’re not alone.
Sleep, my little sparrow, don’t you fear,
I am here, I am here.
I hum the rest of the song until I am asleep.
** *
Past
Age 10
?? “Hey girl, get up now!” Mr. Widlow exclaims as he grabs my blanket, throwing it onto the floor. With nowhere to hide, I scurry up to my headboard and curl into a tight ball.
“I said, get up!” he gets louder.
WHACK
The belt comes down at the foot of the bed.
“I suggest you get out of that bed now or I will find a use for this belt,” he states.
I move faster than before to stand in front of him and wait for instruction, shaking and holding back tears.
“Do you know what a mess you have caused?”
“What mess? I cleaned everything.” I state confused
WHACK
The belt comes down next to me, I can feel the air brush pass my arms.
“No, you dumb girl. Lily makes me cold meals. She won’t have a simple conversation with me. You know what else she won’t do? She won’t fulfill her wifely duties in the bedroom. All because you had to open that mouth of yours and scream. When I am done with you tonight, you will wish you never did that.” he remarks.
“I am so sorry, Daddy Widlow. Please don’t punish me. I was scared. Mommy always told me to scream if someone touched me where they are not allowed.”
WHACK
“Do not call me that anymore. I am not and will never be your Daddy. Your mommy ain’t here either, girl. No one will hear you. No one will save you. You will be mine and only mine by the end of the night. If Lily won’t be mine anymore, you will be the one to fulfill those duties she refuses to because of you.”
He becomes blurry as tears fill my eyes. Unable to hold them back, I let them fall.
“Take it all off.” he said bluntly.
“Take what off, sir?” I asked him.
“Your clothes, girl. Quit being stupid. ”
I couldn’t hold back the whimpers as I lifted my nightgown off of me and tossed it to the floor not concerned with his opinion where it landed.
He gawked at me and grabbed me by the shoulders. Moving to the middle of the room so he can circle me like a hawk.
“Look at that perfect girl. Your breasts look bigger than they did a few days ago.”
I had noticed as well but my friend told me when you begin to get your period, you develop faster. She is a couple years older than me and explained what a period was to me when I asked. Maybe I was about to get my first period?
He stopped behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.
“You’re trembling, girl. Stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about.” His hands slid down the front of my body until they stopped, cupping my breasts. His fingers circled my nipples as they started to harden and then he pinched them.
I gasped at the pain.
“You like that, don’t you, girl?” He asked in amusement.
The tears won’t stop falling. I don’t care if he punishes me. I would rather get beat then have him touch me in my private areas.
Noticing that I won’t stop crying, he walks over to the bed where he left his belt. I watch as he picks it up. Then I start to pray, out loud I don’t know, for Mr. Widlow to punish me.
“Come here, girl and bend over the bed, now!” he demands.
I do as he says.
WHACK
The belt comes crashing down on my back side.
“No, please!” I asked for this punishment but I didn’t think he was going to hit me that hard. I definitely won’t be able to sit down after this beating. I may need a pillow to sit on.
WHACK
Again the belt hits me but harder and in a different spot of my butt.
I prepare for the next hit but it never comes. Instead, I feel his palms stroking my butt where he hit me.
“That’s it. Look how red you get for me, girl. Let me make you feel better now.”
This isn’t feeling good and at this point, I don’t care.
“Please make it hurt. I want to be punished.” I sniffled. “I would much rather take the pain, I made Mrs. Widlow hate you. You are mad at me. Please punish me.”
“Oh, girl, I can make it hurt good.” he continues to slowly stroke where he hit me. His hand stopping between my legs.
“Plea-” I start to beg.
“Yes, beg for it” he excitedly says
As I start to open my mouth to cry harder, he clamps his right hand over my mouth and aggressively shoves a finger from his left hand inside my private area.
“Mmmm, let me feel how wet this pussy gets.”
He is muffling my sobs.
“You get any louder, girl, I will make it hurt and not in a pleasant way.” he says like it doesn’t already hurt. I have never had anything where his finger is and it hurt so bad when he made his intrusion so forceful. “Now be quiet.” he says as he shoves my head further into the mattress.
His finger holds there and after I stop trembling, he moves it in and out which makes me start to cry again.
“Please, please stop. I will do anything, just please stop.” I muffle into the bed.
“Anything?” The way he asks makes my skin crawl and makes me regret my words as his finger starts to move faster.
“PL-PLE-PLEASSSSSEEEEE stop!” I yell.
I make him mad because he pulls his finger out of me and throws me across the bed and storms out of my room leaving me in a heap on my mattress.
***