Hollow
Aviana
Not long after I finally woke up from my dissociative state—or as Cade had called it, my PTSD coma—he stayed close, watching over me. It was almost dark by the time he started to leave, but before he did, he asked if I wanted the girls from the cabin to visit. I quickly pleaded with him to at least let them know I was okay. I didn’t want to face anyone just yet. I also asked him to let Nightshade gather my things and move me into this cabin.
Nightshade didn’t like that idea, of course. He didn’t want to be seen in public, so he agreed for Cade to bring everything back.
Even though I was sore from the fall and surprisingly tired from sleeping for days, I didn’t ask Nightshade to leave. We had things to talk about, things I needed to say.
“Whoa, where are you going, Little Bird?” Nightshade grumbles as I carefully slide off the bed.
“I need to shower and move around, or I’m going to get stiff or worse, bed sores.” I quip, trying to hide how sore I really am.
“You know, I could just give you a sponge bath,” he offers with a teasing tone.
“You would enjoy that, wouldn’t you?” I reply sarcastically, not missing a beat.
“Why, yes, yes I would actually!” he laughs, his voice warm and playful, and for a brief moment, the tension between us melts away.
“Please, give me a few moments to myself. Is that okay?” I ask softly, feeling the weight of his presence as if it’s pressing on me, just a bit too much right now.
Hurt flashes across his eyes, but he doesn’t argue. “Alright, Little Bird,” he says quietly. “I’ll let you shower. I’ll make you something to eat.”
Before I can answer, he steps forward, closing the distance between us. His arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest.
The warmth of him consumes me, and I can’t help but breathe him in. “We have a lot to talk about and—”
He cuts me off, his voice firm, yet filled with a tenderness that makes my heart race. “I know, Little Bird.”
His words hang in the air, heavy with meaning. “I heard what you said… when I was out. I could still feel you, hear you. But let me shower and eat first.” My heart skips a beat as his arms tighten around me, his scent surrounding me. That nickname he calls me… it pulls me in. The things he said while I was asleep, the way he makes me feel—everything inside me is spinning.
I want to say more, but my mind is a blur, lost in the moment, lost in the closeness of him.
I am able to pull away from him and make my way to the bathroom. Walking in and closing the door, I look in the mirror — it reflects back a version of myself I don’t recognize—tired eyes, pale face, lips trembling. I strip off my clothes, the fabric sliding down my skin like it’s suffocating me. For a moment, I just stand there, feeling the cold air hit my bare skin, a shiver running through me.
I turn the shower on, the water spraying out in a rush, and step into it. The water is icy at first, shocking against my skin, sending a jolt through my entire body. I grit my teeth against the coldness, waiting for the warmth to take over. It takes too long, the cold clinging to me, biting into my bones.
Closing my eyes, I let the cold sting wash over me. It’s a feeling I haven’t allowed myself to forget. The chill reminds me of that night—the night I made the decision that would change everything. The night I decided I would leave the one place I thought I could call home and never return.
I can still hear the sound of the door slamming behind me. My heart had been pounding in my chest, the weight of what I was about to do heavy in my stomach. But it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. I was leaving, and nothing could stop me.
***
Past
Age 17
It’s been months since Liam disappeared. His parents filed a missing person’s report, but the police dismissed it, saying he’s a grown adult and might’ve just moved on with his life. Part of me wants to believe that’s true, but I can’t shake the feeling that something bad happened to him. What, I don’t know. I can’t even begin to imagine what it could have been.
My 18th birthday is coming up in just a few weeks, and I still don’t know what I want to do after school. I don’t even know if Chloe and Mason will let me stay with them, or if Ryan still wants me here. He’s been working longer hours and taking on more farm chores. I try to help, but he keeps turning me away, pushing me further and further away. It’s like he’s retreating into himself, becoming more distant and cold as the days go by.
I really thought we had something. I thought that when I turned 18, he would ask me to run away with him, that maybe we could build a life together. But now I wonder if it was just a schoolgirl crush, something I read too much into. I want to ask Ryan how he really feels, to get answers. But for now, I need to focus on school. My grades have started to slip, and that’s something I can’t afford to ignore.
The day of my 18th birthday comes and goes, almost like any other day. It happened to fall on a weekday, so we had a quiet dinner at home. Chloe and Mason promised we’d go out to celebrate on the weekend, and they even said I could invite my friends. It felt like a far cry from what I had once dreamed of—a big celebration, people who cared. I had asked for something like that on my 10th birthday, but instead, Mr. Widlow had beaten me for it.
So when Friday finally came, I was nervous and excited, a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long. I showered and spent extra time getting ready, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things would finally feel right. There was a soft knock on my door as I was finishing up, and I quickly pulled on a long tee before answering.
Ryan stood there, looking unusually shy, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.
“Hey, Ryan,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady despite the pounding of my heart.
“Hey back,” he said, his gaze flickering over me, unsure.
“You okay?” I asked, sensing something off in his demeanor.
“Umm, yeah, of course. I just… I had a small gift for you before we went out. It’s not anything big or major, but I wanted to give it to you.” He pulled a small box from his pocket and held it out to me, his fingers trembling just slightly.
My pulse quickened as I took the box, carefully lifting the lid. Inside, nestled on a bed of velvet, was a small bird on a silver chain. My breath caught in my throat.
“Oh, Ryan, I don’t know what to say…” I gasped, my voice faltering. Without thinking, I launched myself into his arms, holding him tightly, letting the warmth of his embrace consume me. But as I pulled away, we were face to face—so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. Our lips barely touched, just a breath away, as he leaned down to look at me.
And then, just like that, the moment was gone. He pulled back, stepping away from me, leaving a cold space where warmth had been.
“Ryan, are you okay?” I whispered, my heart pounding harder in my chest.
“Yeah,” he muttered, his voice strained. “We just can’t do this.”
“Do what, Ryan? I’m 18 now. I can do whatever I want.” My words came out sharp, a little more defiant than I intended.
“No.” He growled, his voice low and dangerous. “You cannot.”
I took a step closer, walking toward him, my fingers trailing up his chest in a teasing, playful motion. But before I could go any further, he grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand away like it burned him. His touch was rough, almost dismissive .
“Do you plan on stopping me?” I asked, my voice quieter now, but still laced with challenge.
He didn’t answer right away, his eyes dark and unreadable.
I tried again, my heart hammering in my chest as I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer to him. My face tilted up, hoping, praying that he’d look at me, that he’d let this moment happen between us. But he didn’t. His gaze was still fixed somewhere off past me, his jaw tense, like he was trying to hold back whatever was bubbling inside him.
“Ryan,” I whispered, my voice barely audible, a quiet plea in the stillness. “Please… look at me.”
It felt like an eternity before his eyes finally met mine. But when they did, the coldness was gone—replaced by something much darker, something that sent a shiver straight down my spine. The tension between us thickened in the air, heavy, charged. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but I could feel it, pulsing, alive.
Without warning, he grabbed my arm and shoved me back into my room, slamming the door shut behind him with a force that shook the walls. The sound of the door hitting the frame echoed, but it didn’t matter. I was trapped, caught between him and everything I’d ever wanted. Before I could even process what was happening, he spun me around, my back hitting the door with a force that knocked the breath out of me.
And then, his lips were on mine.
The kiss was nothing like I’d ever imagined. It wasn’t soft or tentative—it was brutal, desperate, as if he was claiming me, marking me in a way I couldn’t escape. His lips crashed against mine, bruising, demanding. I could swear I heard a growl rumble deep in his chest, the sound vibrating against me, making my heart race even faster.
I was lost in it, lost in him, in the raw power of his touch, the heat of his body pressed against mine. Every nerve in my body screamed for more, but I was too caught up in the chaos, too overwhelmed by the emotions crashing over me.
And yet, beneath the intensity, there was something else. Something softer, a tenderness that I couldn’t quite grasp, but I could feel it in the way his hands held me, the way he kept me close like he was afraid I might slip away.
The world outside the room didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered except for the heat between us, the undeniable pull that drew us together in a way I couldn’t understand, but didn’t want to fight.
Ryan’s hands are on me before I even realize it, his fingers tugging at the hem of my shirt. The next thing I know, he’s lifting it over my head and tossing it across the room, leaving me bare in front of him, exposed in every way. The intensity in his eyes is unmatched, and before I can catch my breath, his lips are on mine again, rough and demanding, igniting a fire inside me that I can’t contain.
The kiss deepens, and time seems to disappear. His lips move down to my collarbone, trailing fire along my skin. I let out a soft moan, my body responding to his every touch, every whisper of his fingers on my skin and I can’t think, can’t breathe, only feel. The heat between us grows, the tension pulling us closer, pushing us further into a place we can’t return from.
But just as I start to give in completely, his lips pull away, leaving me breathless and aching for more. My body is still trembling from his touch, the sensation of his mouth still lingering on my skin.
“Ryan…” I breathe, my voice full of desperation. I want to tell him to keep going, to never stop. But something in his eyes stops me, the coldness creeping back into his gaze. It’s like a wall has been built between us, and I don’t know why.
He steps back, running a hand through his hair, his jaw tight.
“Avi…” he breathes, and there’s a tremor in his voice, like he’s holding something back. “I can’t… I can’t do this.”
I take a step toward him, my heart aching with confusion. “What do you mean, Ryan? You just—”
“Stop.” His voice is firm, cutting through my words. His hands fall to his sides, and he takes a step back, distancing himself. “I can’t have you.”
The words hit me like a slap. I freeze, my breath caught in my throat. “What are you talking about?”
“I can’t do this to you,” he says, the coldness returning to his eyes, a wall slamming down between us. “I can’t give you what you want. You deserve more than someone like me, Avi.”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head, stepping toward him again. “You don’t get to push me away like this. I know what I want, and I want you.”
“Avi, I’m not good for you. I can’t let myself pull you into this… into all this mess that I’ve made. You deserve someone who can give you more than I ever could.” His voice cracks on the last part, but his eyes are determined, as if trying to convince both of us.
My chest tightens. “But I don’t want someone else, Ryan. I want you. Why can’t you see that?”
“You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who’s pure, who doesn’t have blood on his hands.” Ryan says, throwing his hands in my direction.
Tilting my head in confusion, “What are you talking about, Ryan?”
He runs his hands through his hair again, “My own flesh and blood — I did it. I did it for you. I thought if I could just get rid of him, I could protect you from all the damage he ever caused you.”
His confession makes me gasp. I knew something had happened to Liam but I never thought Ryan had it in him to kill someone — especially for me.
He continues as he paces the room “I don’t know why I ever thought I could do this, Avi. You—this—us… It was a mistake from the start. Can’t you see that?”
“No, Ryan, we are best friends. We are meant to be together. I know you feel it. This — just now — you are in love with me like I am you.”
“Look at you, Avi. You’re damaged goods, and I’m not the one who can fix you. You’re broken, just like me, but in ways I can’t handle. I tried to look past it. I tried to convince myself that maybe I could love you enough to make it all go away, that maybe I could help you heal. But no matter how hard I try, the damage you carry is too much. You’re too much. Your past—it’s not something you just get over. You think I didn’t notice? The way you flinch, the way your eyes go vacant when you remember something you don’t want to? I see it all. I’ve seen what it does to you, and I can’t keep pretending it’s something I can fix. I don’t deserve you, and I never will. I’ve ruined everything, Avi. I’ve ruined you, too. You deserve better, Avi. You deserve someone who isn’t a walking disaster. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, but I will. So here it is. I can’t do this. I can’t be the one to fix you. So, let me go. Don’t even think about me anymore. You’re better off without me. ”
The words crush me, the finality of them sinking deep into my chest. The room feels too small, the air too thick. I want to scream, to beg him to stay, to make him see how much this hurts. But I know, deep down, that there’s nothing I can say to change his mind.
Ryan takes a step towards the door, his hand on the door handle. He doesn’t look at me again. “I’m sorry, Avi,” he says softly, the door clicks shut behind him, leaving me standing there, completely shattered.
And just like that, everything we could have been slips through my fingers, leaving me with nothing but the hollow ache of his absence.
***