16 Roxie #2
“Okay, now you have to spill it all.” She reached for the pasta in front of us, handing me my plate before diving into her own. The reality television show we planned on watching was completely forgotten. My life had enough drama to keep us entertained for the evening.
I stared down at the pasta, the aroma of garlic and herbs filling the air as the steam rose. I set the wine down and picked up my fork, mostly for something to do with my hands.
Hallie waited, unusually quiet now, letting me find the words at my own pace. She’d always been good at that, even in college—knowing when to push and when to just let me find my own way.
“Sebastian and I were kids when it started,” I said eventually, my voice barely above a whisper.
“It was never anything official. It was mostly just sneaking out of our houses to meet at the dock where he kept his sailboat, the occasional scribbled note that we’d slip into each other’s lockers, or holding hands as we walked out of school to his car since he drove me to school every day.
We were stupid, and wild, and completely convinced we were infinite. ”
Hallie twirled her fork through her pasta. “So what happened? The two of you acted like total strangers when we first saw him at McGuire’s.”
“That’s because we basically were,” I said. “I hadn’t seen him in nearly a decade since everything went down.”
“What the hell did he do?” Hallie asked. “You looked at him that night like you could have murdered him where he was sitting.”
I dropped my fork onto the plate with a soft clink.
“He told my grandfather that I was going to NYU instead of Harvard,” I said.
Hallie blinked. “And?”
“I had to go to Harvard. That was the condition. The rule. I go to Harvard; I get the trust fund. Simple as that. My grandfather had it all lined up for me and my brother—pre-law, internships, a future at the firm. He used to brag about where we were going to school at dinners when we were kids, like it was already set in stone. But I didn’t want it. I never did.”
I took a sip of my wine, hoping it would keep my hands from shaking.
“I applied to NYU behind his back. I got in. Full scholarship. Photography program, as you know. And I told exactly one single person about it.”
Hallie went perfectly still, her dinner forgotten in her lap.
“Sebastian,” she whispered.
I nodded. “We told each other everything. He was going to go to Princeton. That was decided too. We’d even talked about how long the train ride was from New Jersey to New York.
We were so excited about our future. I even thought we might start dating officially once we got to college.
Long distance, sure. And that wouldn’t have been ideal, but I was so sure he was my person.
So sure that we’d be able to make it work.
But then one night changed everything, and the next thing I knew he was standing behind my grandfather in his office as he told me I would not be getting my trust fund anymore.
That he knew what I was planning, and that if I went ahead, that was it. Disinherited.”
“What made him do it?” Hallie asked, looking completely scandalized.
“Until this weekend, I honestly did not know,” I admitted.
“One night we went to a party, and he told me he needed to talk to me. I spent the entire night trying to find him, stumbling into the wrong rooms. I got wrapped up in a game of spin the bottle that I did not want to be playing. I never found Seb. Then two days later, he was in my grandfather’s study. ”
“What did you find out this weekend?” Hallie’s eyes were glued to me. I wasn’t even sure if she’d blinked yet.
“That at the party, Sebastian had been looking for me while I was looking for him. When I’d ended up in the room they were playing spin the bottle, some random guy grabbed me and kissed me.
I didn’t know it at the time, but Sebastian saw it happen.
He’d been wanting to ask me to be his girlfriend that night, and after seeing me kiss someone else, he lost it. ”
“That is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard,” Hallie said after she picked her jaw off the floor.
“He told my grandfather the next day,” I continued, voice wavering with emotion.
“About NYU. About everything. That I’d applied without telling my family and got in.
And I guess that was enough for my grandfather to cut me off just before my eighteenth birthday.
All I had to do was wait till then, and I’d have got my trust fund, and I could have told him the truth.
There’d have been nothing he could’ve done about it.
That was my plan, anyway. Before Sebastian ruined everything. ”
Hallie’s lips parted like she wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words fast enough. I couldn’t blame her.
“I lost my trust, my college funding, and my spot in my family. But what hurt the most was that I’d lost the one person I thought would’ve defended me when it mattered. All in forty-eight hours.”
I stared at my pasta.
“He never explained anything to me. Just disappeared out of my life. While I was left to pick up the pieces and support myself. I know that the life I grew up with is the kind of life people dream of. I am well aware of the position that gave me. But I have never loved myself more than when I didn’t have all of that to fall back on.
I love the life I’ve built for myself. And I’m so grateful that I met you along the way, Hals. ”
Hallie gave me a soft, reassuring smile.
“Sebastian explained his reasoning this weekend and apologized,” I continued. “I always wished for an apology, but it didn’t feel as good as I thought it might. But he took ownership of making stupid decisions when he was a kid, even if those decisions completely fucked up my life.”
Hallie was completely still beside me.
“I hated him for it,” I said. “I hated him for all of it. For standing behind my grandfather. For never calling. For throwing away what we had without even a fight.”
“You thought he betrayed you,” she said carefully.
“He did betray me,” I corrected her. “But not everything is black and white. A part of me might always love Sebastian, and after airing everything out this weekend, I let him back in. Foolishly.”
We sat in silence for a long moment, the television still paused on the opening scene of our show.
“And now?” Hallie finally asked.
“Well, before yesterday, I would have told you I didn’t know what to think.
He’d told me he hadn’t meant to ruin everything.
That he was jealous of the guy kissing me.
That he thought I’d chosen someone else and he wanted to do something that would hurt me as much as I’d hurt him.
He said he was stupid and young and heartbroken and didn’t understand what it would cost me. ”
“But?”
“But then I let him back in. I shouldn’t have done it, but I let my guard down, he turned on the charm.
Said all the right things. Made me feel like I could trust him again, and that we could get back on track after all this time.
And it worked. We slept together last night, in the boathouse.
It was amazing. Incredible. At least, I thought so.
I fell asleep on his chest, and then when I woke up, he was gone.
I feel so betrayed, but I only have myself to blame.
I should have known he couldn’t really change. ”
Hallie stared at me. I knew it was a lot to take in. I didn’t blame her if she didn’t know what to say, or how to help.
“I don’t know whether to be angry on your behalf, or heartbroken,” she said, softly.
“But I do know that you are so much better off without someone like Sebastian in your life. A teenage mistake, I could maybe understand. But we’re all adults now.
And walking out on you like that is totally unacceptable. Unforgivable,” she finished.
“I know,” I said. But I couldn’t say anything else because tears were threatening to spill from my eyes.
Hallie must have sensed how I was feeling, because instead of talking, she picked up the remote and hit play on our show, handed me my discarded glass of wine, and nodded toward my dinner.
“Eat. You don’t have to think about it anymore tonight,” she said. “He isn’t worth it.”
“I’m just so goddamn tired,” I told her, one tear slipping out.
“I know,” she whispered, reaching over to squeeze my hand.