Chapter 12
Cody
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here.
Long enough for my legs to go numb and for Emma to doze off as she is settled against my chest, like she knows I’m the safest place she’s got right now.
I don’t have a shirt on. I forget their reasoning…something about her body temperature? I don’t know. I just stripped and did what they said.
She’s tiny. I’ve lifted weights heavier than her but she’s somehow the heaviest thing I’ve ever held.
The room’s quiet except for the beeping monitor somewhere behind me. The lights are dim now that the chaos from earlier is over. Everything’s still, and calm. Well, except for me.
Karissa still hasn’t woken up.
They told me her bleeding stopped. That she’s stable. That her body needs time. But no one knows how long.
They’ve been calling me “Dad.” The nurses, one of the doctors.
“Dad, you can follow us.”
“Dad, you’re holding her just right.”
“Dad, she’s doing great.”
I didn’t correct them. I probably should have. But I was scared they’d take her away. Tell me I couldn’t be in the room. That I wasn’t technically family.
But I do belong here. Blood or not, I gave Karissa my word. I told her she could trust me. That I’d keep her and the baby safe. I don’t think she believed me at first; she barely knows me. But when she wakes up and sees that I kept my word, that’ll be enough.
The door opens and soft footsteps pad in. It’s Ella. Still in her scrubs, looking tired, but there’s a calmness to her. She walks closer, stopping in front of me with a quiet smile.
“How’s it going?” she says gently.
I nod, my jaw tight. “About how you’d think.”
She looks to the baby and then Karissa. “She’s been through more than most people ever do.”
I look back down at Emma, her breath in sync with mine.
“She didn’t even get to hold her,” I mutter.
“She will,” Ella says. “And she’ll thank you for taking her place in the meantime.”
I don’t say anything because I don’t like taking her place. It feels wrong.
“They think I’m the dad.”
Ella’s quiet for a second before a small laugh escapes.
“Yeah. I figured they might.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t know what the protocol was. I don’t want them to kick me out of here or something.” My throat is tight, like just the thought cuts me. “I told Karissa, practically the second I met her, that she could trust me. That I’d take care of her and the baby.” I pause. “So that’s what I’m doing.”
Ella lays a hand on my shoulder. “And she’ll appreciate it, Cody.”
Her words are reassuring.
“She’s gonna need a lot of help.”
“I know.”
“More now, given the C-section.”
“Right.”
“Getting around, going to the bathroom…”
I swallow hard. I hadn’t thought about that part. How raw and real all of this still is.
“You gonna help her with all that?” Ella asks, one brow raised. “Or am I about to use my vacation days now?”
I huff a dry breath, shaking my head. “No. I can manage.”
“Okay.” Her voice has softened. “I just want you to be prepared, is all.”
“I will be.”
“Good. She’s lucky to have you,” she says, giving my shoulder a firm rub.
I glance back at Karissa, still asleep. “I hope so.”
* * *
Karissa still hasn’t woken up and I still haven’t moved from this chair.
Her breathing is steady, and her color looks better than it did earlier. I keep watching her chest rise and fall like if I stop, she’ll stop too.
A knock sounds on the door, and a nurse steps inside. She’s got a friendly, smiling face, and a clipboard tucked in her arms.
“How’s she doing?” she whispers, nodding toward Emma in my arms.
“She’s good,” I say. “Sleeping.”
She smiles. “You’re a natural.”
I don’t respond to that. I just look back down at Emma curled up on me.
The nurse takes a few steps closer. “If you want to rest, I can take her to the nursery for a bit. Just for a few hours so you can sleep. You’ve been with her since delivery.”
“She stays with me.” My tone is firm, not up for debate.
“Oh, of course,” she says, backing off. “Just offering.”
“I appreciate it,” I tell her, softer. “But I’m not letting her out of my sight.”
The nurse gives a friendly nod and sees her way out after checking over a few of the monitors.
On the corner of my eye, I catch Karissa’s hand twitch. I lean forward immediately, eyes locked on her hand and then her face.
“Karissa?”
Nothing.
I exhale, leaning back again. Emma lets out a sleepy sigh and presses closer to my chest. I look back at Karissa.
“She’s really cute,” I tell her. “You should wake up so you can see her,” I say, because who knows…maybe a little guilt trip will wake her.
A quiet knock sounds again, and I look up as another nurse slips in. Her smile is gentle, careful.
“Hi,” she says in a low voice. “I’m just coming to see if she’s ready to try her first feeding.”
My chest squeezes. Feeding. Right. Babies have to eat.
It should’ve crossed my mind sooner, but everything’s been about Karissa bleeding and Emma breathing and me trying not to fall apart in the middle of it.
The nurse holds up two tiny bottles.
“I brought a couple formula options,” she says. “Or we have donor milk—whichever Mom would prefer.”
Donor milk? My brain stops. Donor…like, blood donor? Organ donor? Someone died and they just, what? Saved the milk?
“Oh, uh, no,” I say immediately. “No donor milk. We’re good. Formula’s good.”
She shakes up one of the bottles, totally unfazed. I look down at Emma.
She’s so light I hardly feel her. Her entire body is the size of my forearm. Her cheek is warm against my chest, her little fists tucked under her chin. I shift Emma off my chest and down into my arms, cradling her like a football, and she lets out a soft sound that nearly stops my heart.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” I whisper.
“Okay,” the nurse says gently, handing me the bottle. “Run it along her lips. Don’t push it in. She’ll latch when she’s ready.”
I stare at the bottle for a second, swallowed in my palm. It’s practically a shot. I bring it toward her mouth slowly, overly cautious, and brush the nipple along her lips. She reacts instantly, rooting around like she’s been doing this forever.
“There she goes,” the nurse murmurs, helping me angle it better.
Emma latches. Just…opens her mouth and gets to work. My throat closes up. How does she even know how to do this?
“Perfect,” the nurse says. “She’s doing perfect.”
Her tiny jaw moves slowly. Her hand lifts and rests against her own chest, her nails look like they’re painted on.
I glance at Karissa. Still asleep. Still missing this. Still making me feel guilty.
If she opened her eyes right now, I’d hand Emma over instantly. Because she deserves to do this, not me.
I blink fast when my eyes start burning. The nurse is still here. No way in hell I’m getting caught tearing up.