Chapter 21
Karissa
The big house is quieter now that Ella left with Cora. Maureen’s in the kitchen, wiping down the counter even though it’s already clean. Addison and I are sitting at the table. The guys are still fishing but should be back soon.
Emma’s sleeping in Addison’s arms. I keep glancing down, like if I look away too long something will go wrong.
“You know…” Addison says casually, “he really liked that card.”
“What?”
“The one you gave Cody this morning.” She grins. “I could see it in his face. He tried to act like he didn’t want to talk about it, which is basically the same thing.”
I smile. “He didn’t say much to me.”
“He wouldn’t,” Maureen chimes in from the counter without looking back. “That boy holds more in than any man I’ve ever met. Always has.”
That makes something twist in my stomach. Good and scary at the same time.
I clear my throat. “I wasn’t sure if I should do it. I asked Addie if it was weird or if it would mean something else.”
“Not weird at all,” Maureen says as she disappears down the hall to put something away. My chest still feels a little tight. Addison lowers her voice.
“Do you want it to mean something else?” she asks. “Like…more than what it is?”
I exhale slowly. “I don’t know.”
She just smiles.
“I mean, part of me feels things,” I admit quietly, eyes still on Emma. “But I also just had a baby, I’m tired, my hormones are a mess… It’s like I don’t even know what’s real right now.”
Addison’s expression is soft. “But you trust him.”
I nod. “Oh yeah. More than I trust anyone else I’ve ever known.”
“Well, that definitely means something.”
“I know.” I swallow. “I just don’t want to confuse the feeling of needing someone…with love. I did that before.”
Addison doesn’t answer right away, and I appreciate that she’s not pushing. Just listening.
“I did that before too,” she says, looking down and shifting Emma in her arms.
I sit back in my chair. Maureen returns from the hallway and wipes her hands on a dish towel as she slides into the chair across from me. “You’re doing a good job.” She smiles.
My throat gets tight for no reason. Compliments hit different these days, I guess. Especially the kind that contradict how I feel.
“I don’t think I am.”
Maureen and Addison both look at me sideways.
“At church,” I clarify, “people kept leaning in, saying how cute she was. They were too close to her. I smiled and said thank you, of course, but inside I was freaking out.”
“Why?” Maureen asks, but it’s not judgy, just curious.
“She’s three weeks old,” I say, voice a little sharper than I mean for it to be. “She’s tiny. Her immune system’s nothing. All it takes is one person with a cold or some virus and—” I stop, trying not to go there.
Addison nods, and Maureen has understanding in her eyes, so I feel confident enough to keep going.
“I told Cody after, and he just…didn’t get it. Said they were just church people. As if church people don’t have germs.”
“He’s a guy, not a mom. They don’t get it,” Maureen says like that’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t. I wanted her to say she’ll talk to him and make him understand. But I know that’s not going to be the case.
“Well, he made me feel dumb,” I admit. “Like I was being overly dramatic.”
“You weren’t.” Maureen shakes her head. “You were being a mom. And there’s nothing overdramatic about that.”
“Well, I just wish he’d get it.”
“I know. In a perfect world, men would, but they don’t and they won’t.” She shrugs.
We all just laugh, and before anyone can say anything else, I hear the distant sound of a diesel truck and tires crunching the gravel outside. They’re back. Cody’s back.
My heart does that stupid little flutter thing that it’s been doing a lot lately. Maureen gets up, leaving Addison sitting beside me, Emma still out like a light in her arms.
“As his little sister,” she whispers, “I feel obligated to remind you that he’s very protective. Just…in his own way. One second we’re yelling like we hate each other, and the next, he’s got his arms around me because I’m crying about it and he can’t stand it.”
That makes me smile, even though I try not to.
“He doesn’t always know how to say the right thing,” Addison adds. “But he usually does the right thing…eventually.” She laughs.
I nod, the comfort of her words settling in my chest as I hear his voice fill the house. It’s low, familiar, and moving closer.
* * *
Cody and I get back to the lodge around four. The conversation on the way down was light and a little guarded. I asked how fishing was, he said it was good. Then he asked about my time with the girls, and that was it.
I feel like I’ve been holding my breath all day and I hate it.
When Cody shuts the truck off, he exhales before glancing over.
“You still mad at me?” he asks, and I freeze.
“I’m not mad, I’m just…”
I trail off, because the rest of the sentence sounds too much like I’m being sensitive, and I don’t want to be that girl. Not right now. Not after everything he’s already done for me.
“Just what?”
“I’m a mom. I have worries and an intuition that you don’t.”
Cody rubs the back of his neck. “I know that. All I was trying to remind you of was that no one touched her.”
“But that doesn’t mean anything,” I snap, and his eyes widen just a hair. “You made me feel stupid.”
He looks at me. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel stupid. I just didn’t think—”
“I know you didn’t,” I say, softer now. “That’s the problem. This whole time, I’m just trying to figure this out and be a good mom, and the second I voiced something I felt off about, you practically laughed.”
“Karissa, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” He shakes his head.
I cross my arms loosely. Hearing him apologize so quickly is not something I’m used to, nor was I expecting. I still had more things to say.
“I’ve been telling you to listen to your intuition this entire time, and then I gave you crap for doing it. I’m sorry,” he says again.
I’m not used to hearing a man apologize so quickly. Not just once, but twice…he said it twice.
I press my lips together and nod. “It’s okay.”
We get out of the truck and head inside, nothing but a sleeping baby between us. Cody’s eyes linger on me, like he wants to say something else but doesn’t at the same time.
“You wanna shower?” His voice is low, almost hesitant, and it undoes me a little.
“Yeah, before she needs to eat again,” I point out, then leave for my bedroom, afraid that if I stay in the same room with him any longer, we’ll end up in another one of those almost-kiss moments, and I don’t trust myself not to let it happen this time.