Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
Jameson
T here were days on the job when it was easier to compartmentalize a call than others. Then, there were days when you knew without a doubt a call would live on inside you forever.
Today was that day.
In our line of work, coming across death is inevitable. It’s part and parcel of the territory, and while we might reside in a small town, that didn’t make us any less immune. In fact, it often hits closer to home because everybody knows everybody, so we all feel the loss and share in the grief.
It jolts you back to reality and makes you take stock of what’s important in life.
It makes you want to grab hold of those you care about most and never let go.
It was also why I found myself parked in Arizona’s driveway; I wanted to check in on her.
While I didn’t expect her to be very receptive to my presence, as this wasn’t something we did—hang out without our mutual friends—I expected pushback, hence why I was no dummy and arrived armed and prepared.
“Jameson?” Soft questioning lines appeared between her brows when she answered the door. “Now’s really not?—”
Her hair, which had been styled in a topknot at work, was now hanging haphazardly off the side of her head, with loose tendrils framing her tear-streaked cheeks. She had also changed out of her work uniform into a matching black cami and shorts set layered underneath a white robe that hung open over her torso. What next caught my attention and made me smile on the inside were her mismatched, fuzzy knee-high socks—one red and the other green with little Christmas reindeer.
God, she was adorable, even when she was sad.
“Can I come in?” I held up the thermos and a Tupperware container containing homemade chocolate chip cookies that I was holding.
Hesitation flanked her stance, yet I could tell she didn’t have a modicum of fight left in her.
My fiercely strong girl was barely coasting on autopilot.
Without an ounce of hesitation, wholly prepared to ask for forgiveness rather than permission, I tucked her somber frame against my chest. The sadness I knew was bubbling a hair’s breadth beneath the surface boiled over the instant she clutched my Henley like an anchor.
I nearly broke for her at that moment.
Words of comfort lodged in my throat yet stuck on a cruel repeat in my head. However, the reality was that there was nothing I could say that would wash away the weight of the day.
Grief ebbed and flowed, often with no boundaries or expiration date.
Time stood still as her tears came in hot and heavy. The walls my girl usually reinforced around me were nowhere in sight, and I was ever so thankful I listened to my gut, as it confirmed I was right; she shouldn’t be alone.
Not tonight.
Whether it was my company she sought or not, it was time she learned I wasn’t going anywhere.
“When did you have time to make these?” she asked. “Our shifts barely ended.”
“I might have a secret cookie dough stash addiction.”
A sweet burst of air crossed over her lips and punctured the air. “Yeah, I highly doubt that.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t have abs like yours and a sugar addiction.”
“You secretly checking me out?” I proudly smirked, earning myself a swift elbow to said abs.
“Hazards of sharing a workplace, I guess.” She said with a playful roll of her eyes, a teasing smile tugging at her lips.
I wanted to press her, tease her with the window she’d opened, but there was always a time and a place for everything, and I wasn’t about to give her cause to move from where she was nestled beside me on the couch.
“There’s only one other person who knows my secret, so if word got out?—”
“You’ll become the station’s resident Betty Crocker, too.”
“Exactly. Everyone is ravenous enough when I’m on shift.”
“Your mom did a good job with you boys; your future wives will appreciate your culinary skills.”
Her comment had me smiling. “I’d be happy to come over and put on an apron any day of the week for you and teach you my ways.”
“Don’t go getting yourself carried away now, mister; you still haven’t explained how you made these so quickly. The other night, Boden let it slip that Lakelyn is obsessed with baking shows, so we got to talking and compared different tips and tricks. Doesn’t the dough need to cure or something in the fridge for an hour beforehand?”
“Look at you picking up baking tips, but yes, it’s recommended you put the dough in the fridge after it’s mixed, as it helps cool the butter and locks in more of the flavor. Plus, the dough will rise rather than being flat like a pancake later when it bakes.”
“Interesting.”
“While I admittedly like being in the kitchen, I’m not the type to bake a batch for myself, so I roll the dough into little balls and throw them in the freezer. It’s bad, I know,” I said with a sheepish smile, “but they’re like little drops of heaven.”
“Is that how you woo all the ladies once in your home with your baking skills?”
“Woo?” I laughed. “Nah, my home is my sanctuary. It’s sacred ground.”
“Not the revolving door like the place you shared with Jaxon?”
Buying Boden’s rental property after he and Lakelyn got engaged was one of the best decisions I’d ever made, until hopefully now.
It was the moment I’d longed for: the time to lay everything on the table.
I shifted my position and turned to face her, wanting her undivided attention. “I know you have this idea of me in your head, I swear on my family’s honor, it’s not true. Have I made decisions that make things look a certain way over the years? Yes, I have, but I’m not that guy. Truth is, I haven’t been him for quite some time. Being with anyone else felt wrong because all I think about is you.”
“I’m not blind, deaf, or stupid, Jameson, so please don’t treat me as such.”
“Never said you were, just remember, perception isn’t always reality.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” The vulnerability she wore on her sleeve when I arrived was a distant memory. Her protective walls were layering up by the second.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’ve let you think I was a player on purpose.”
“Why?” She seemed unsure. Surprised by my admission. “Why would you do something like that?”
“At first, it wasn’t a stretch of the imagination. Being the starting quarterback in high school, followed by my time in the fire academy, certainly had its advantages, you could say.” I paused, searching for the right words to explain my reckless behavior. “I won’t sit here and say I’m proud of that period in my life because I’m not. I fully acknowledge I was an immature ass at the end of school and particularly afterward. I’ve always owned my actions and taken responsibility, but if the truth be told, after the semi-formal dance back in high school, my feelings were hurt . . . My ego didn’t cope with your rejection well.”
“My rejection?” she parroted, slapping her hand over her chest.
“Yeah, yours. I know we ran in different friend circles, but we weren’t strangers either; we’d known each other our whole lives. Ari, you were my first crush, and I’d harbored that secret for years. Then, that night, holding you in my arms at the dance only intensified my desire to get to know you better. Then afterward, it was like a switch flipped, and you looked at me with disgust every day after.”
“And you never questioned why?”
“No. At the time, I was too mad. God, Ari, I was so fucking stoked when the guys suggested we all grab a girl to dance with; I knew, without a doubt, you were the one I wanted. I?—”
“Then why?” Her eyes welled with fresh, unshed tears. “Why did you agree with the horrible things the guys said about me and a few of the other girls afterward?”
I jerked back in legitimate surprise. “What are you talking about?”
“I heard you with the guys after, the things they said?—”
“Fuck,” I groaned as the reasons I’d long searched for slammed into me all at once. “Ari, I . . .” I hung my head in shame and swallowed back the bile that threatened to spill as my memory came flooding back.
Meeting up with the guys in the locker room after, the flasks filled with vodka Will and Drew had snuck in, and the smack talk and joking at the girl’s expense.
My stomach wanted to revolt as the adult in me was disgusted by our behavior. While I wasn’t the instigator, it took me longer than I cared to admit to step up and stop it. As a quarterback with a leadership role on the team, the onus was on me to keep the guys in line. Not only did I fail the guys, but most importantly, I failed Ari and the other girls.
“I’m sorry, Arizona. If I could go back to that day and?—”
“We don’t always get do-overs.”
“No, we can, however, learn from our mistakes. Did I let the guys blow off some steam before I stopped them? Yes, I’m guilty, but I cross my heart,” I made the motion, “and swear that I shut that shit down when it turned personal. My parents taught me better than that. I . . . I?—”
“It doesn’t matter; it’s all in the past.”
“Don’t negate your feelings. The consequences of my actions in the past still live on between us in the present.”
The tears sliding unhurriedly down her cheeks gutted me, surpassing my anger toward myself for being oblivious to the remote possibility that she, or anyone, had heard the locker room chatter that night. The fact that she’d been holding on to this and hadn’t said a word until now?—
“I’m truly so sorry, Arizona. I’m sorry that you heard us guys; I’m sorry that you’ve held this hurt inside for all these years, but most importantly,” I cupped the sides of her cheeks and brushed my thumbs gently over them, wiping away her tears, “you’re not broken. What Drew said was utter bullshit. You’re the strongest, most resilient woman I know. Yes, you and your dad suffered an immeasurable loss, one that would throw anyone’s life off-balance, and yet you didn’t let it. You pushed forward with your head held high; you don’t take shit from anyone, me included. While I honestly didn’t know until tonight that you heard the guys, I’m ashamed of my part in it, but I’m also so unbelievably proud of you because you deserve the world, Ari. You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect always.”
“Why are you here, Jameson?”
I dropped my hands to hers.
“I’m here because I knew you were hurting after the call today, and the thought of you drowning in your feelings by yourself didn’t sit well with me.”
“Why?”
“I think you know why. I care about you; I always have.”
“As a friend.” Her lashes fluttered while vulnerability dulled her irises.
“If that’s what you need, then yes.” My heart beat hard against my rib cage.
“And if I want more?”
“Then I’ll happily give you more.”
“I have no doubt there.” She giggled as if all her tension had melted away, thawing the giant iceberg that had long separated us, and it pumped new life into me. “This is why I’ve avoided this conversation for so long.”
“I, for one, am thankful-as-fuck that we’ve finally had it because, hopefully, we can move forward. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, Ari?”
She nodded as the corners of her mouth tipped upward with a smile.
“Good, because I’d really like it if you stopped pushing me away; life, as we know, is too short. So, what do you say? Will you give us a chance?”
The bright flicker of light from the television was a sharp contrast to the soft, warm glow from her Christmas tree beside where we were sitting. The lights cast varying shadows over her delicate facial features as she laid her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes. Her inner struggle was evident from how her brows volleyed between nervous and relaxed.
“I’m scared of losing another person I care about; it’s another reason my walls are so high.”
“You care about me?”
“Is that your only takeaway?” She turned her head in my direction.
“Fuck yeah, it is. I’ve been dreaming about you being mine for as long as I can remember.”
“That feels like a lot of pressure. What if I don’t live up to your expec?—”
I cut her off by sealing my lips over hers, and holy hell, everything that had been off-kilter in my life righted itself as we had finally addressed the hurdle that had held her back.
Her lips were soft and warm against mine while sparks ignited every cell in my body until I was drunk on her sweetness.
“I’ve waited a long time for this, so I promise you, Ari, as long as you’ll have me, I will always come back to you. There’s no way I’m checking out when I finally have my dream girl right where I want her.”
“And where’s that?”
“Right by my side. To touch, kiss and adore.”