Chapter 14
‘So it turns out I’m even more shit at meditation than I am at the other Issen skills,’ I say grumpily to the rest of the group at dinner that night. Dinner which is, unfortunately, riverweed again. ‘My thoughts just wouldn’t settle.’ Not even using Stefan’s three-breath method.
‘I thought you weren’t meant to think when you meditate?’ Benny questions. ‘Isn’t that the whole point?’
I let out a groan before lifting a large spoonful of the green weed to my mouth, chewing as much as I can stand, then swallowing it fast.
‘Not according to Magnus, it’s not,’ I tell him. ‘He said it’s not about shutting off your thoughts or stopping them entirely, but about choosing to acknowledge and release them so they don’t control you.’
‘Sounds sensible.’
‘It might sound like it is, but it’s impossible to do,’ I retort.
‘My thoughts are not leaves.’ I always knew my mind was busy, but now I see it’s utterly relentless.
One second, I’m thinking of Kay, then the Rottings, or the Retterheld, or the slums, or Mum and Dad, or…
My mind starts going somewhere different entirely.
To Kyor. To hot kisses. To stolen moments…
I snap myself out of it before my thoughts start showing on my face.
‘Hey, Ben? You’ve got a little bit of riverweed on your chin.’ Ruben gestures.
‘Here?’ Benny wipes his skin a good inch shy of the green smudge.
‘No.’
‘Here?’ He goes too far in the opposite direction.
‘No, just a bit to the— It’s fine. I’ve got it.’
Ruben lifts his hand and brushes softly against Benny’s skin, his thumb tracing a line just below Benny’s bottom lip. My own breath holds fast, and I watch Benny freeze as if he doesn’t know how to react.
‘All gone,’ Ruben whispers, his eyes locked with Benny’s. Then, abruptly realising all eyes are on them, Ruben clears his throat and wipes his hand on his napkin. ‘Seriously, how the heck you can be a future duke when you can’t eat food without making a mess is beyond me.’
‘Right … yeah.’ Benny laughs awkwardly before lowering his gaze and scooping up his next spoonful of food.
Silence sweeps around the small dining room. If this is what it was like at the Retterheld every time Kyor came over to our table, it’s no wonder Llin told me to hurry up and screw him. The tension is torturous.
‘Oh, Rose, I forgot to tell you you’re amazing,’ Caz says suddenly, clearly trying to distract from the fact we’re all staring at Ruben and Benny.
‘I am?’ I question, raising an eyebrow. ‘Is there any particular reason?’
‘The books. You asked the librarian to get me those books I wanted.’
‘Oh, yes, right. Was she helpful?’
‘So helpful! There are dozens – probably over a hundred actually – and I know I was going to hold off looking into the Veil, what with those black marks on your hands, but, well … I just thought I might read a couple of things tonight. Bedtime reading, you know. Hopefully that same librarian will be there again tomorrow.’
‘Tove,’ Ruben says. ‘Tove, that’s the name of the librarian you were talking to. She’s nice.’ Ruben stops when he realises we’re all staring at him. ‘What?’ he asks defensively.
Benny snorts. ‘There it is.’
‘What?’ he says again.
‘You have a habit of disappearing for ten minutes and then coming back knowing someone’s life story.’
Ruben folds his arms. ‘I was talking to her while she was finding the books and just asking her day-to-day things. You know, she uses her magic to help remove the damp from the library to ensure the books stay in perfect condition. It’s not a line of work her family wanted her to go into, though, as they harvest riverweed.
Well, her mother and sister do, but her father is still fighting in the war.
She said they couldn’t imagine anything worse than being cooped up in a building all day, but she loves it.
Unlike Penta. Never yet seen that woman without a scowl on her face.
But maybe that’s just the sight of me – or us, I guess.
She lost her brother on the front line last year, and her husband’s out there now.
In a few years, her son will be old enough too.
That’s tough on anyone.’ Ruben stops at Benny’s chuckle.
‘What? I like talking to people, getting to know things about them. And this place. It’s interesting.
Are you honestly going to tell me you haven’t even asked Ylva about the series she’s reading or how she got that scar on her elbow? ’
‘Ylva has a scar on her elbow?’ I comment.
A slight chuckle cracks from Benny. ‘You really are one in a million, aren’t you, Ru?’
Ruben flushes with pleasure, a small smile toying with his lips.
Give Ruben a week and he’ll be on first-name terms with half the Issen. Give him a month and he’ll probably be invited to family dinners.
I redirect the conversation. ‘Hopefully I’ll have time to join you doing some research tomorrow,’ I tell Caz.
‘I know there’s a lot to look into.’ I twist around to face Kyor.
‘You want to join us? Or maybe…’ A flutter swirls through my stomach as I look back at Caz, hoping she’ll understand what I’m asking and won’t mind me volunteering her.
‘Maybe you’d like Caz to go with you if you speak to Uzra and his men again? ’
It’s not like my implication is in any way subtle, but Kyor looks at me with an expression of complete blankness.
‘No thanks,’ he replies. ‘Actually, I’m feeling pretty shattered. I’m going to head upstairs.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I say, pushing back my chair.
But he gently places a hand on my shoulder. ‘Stay and talk to your friends. You haven’t seen them all day. We can talk when you come to bed.’
He leans down and plants a kiss on my lips. It’s so soft, so tender, that it’s enough to make my entire body melt, and when he breaks away, the absence is like an ache.
‘Hold on, Kyor. I’ll walk up with you,’ Caz says, still spooning in another mouthful of riverweed as she stands. ‘I left my books up there.’
Benny is on his feet a moment after they’ve left, saying he should go check on Loch, and Thessa follows.
‘I wish to walk,’ she tells us factually. ‘I’ve had enough of sitting.’
My eyes fall across the table to where Ruben is still firmly seated. A smile rises on his lips.
‘I guess it’s just you, me, and the riverweed then, Rosey.’
As much as I don’t want to eat more riverweed, so far I’ve only had one mouthful, and I know I need a lot more than that to keep my energy up for training.
And so, as the others head out, I reach over and pick up the spoon, only for a bolt of pain to sear up from my fingertips.
I am unable to stop the gasp as I clutch my hand to my chest.
A beat later, the pain is gone. Much the same as it was when I tried sitting up in the battle yard.
‘You okay?’ Ruben asks with concern.
‘Yeah, I think so.’ I flex my fingers, twisting my wrist around. ‘It just gave a sharp tingle. I must have sat funny, cut off the blood flow or something.’ I shake my hand. ‘But it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
‘And what about everything else? Not just your hands. You’re a princess, Rosey. An Issen princess. That’s got to be a lot to get your head around.’
Swallowing down a mouthful of riverweed, I contemplate what to say.
‘Yeah. It’s a lot. It’s been one thing after another, even before the Retterheld. You know what it was like then. This whole royalty thing doesn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things. Keeping Kay and William safe is all that matters.’
Saying William’s name is a release I didn’t realise I needed. Having to keep him silent inside me feels like a betrayal.
‘And how’s Kyor doing?’ Ruben asks. ‘It’s got to be a lot for him to get his head around as well.
His father knowing of Isthyr and never telling him, and his own people living here in Issen territory.
Toren told me they give the Morathkians they capture a choice: join them here and live as a citizen of Isthyr but never be allowed to leave or be taken to the other end of the mountain range and given a chance to find their way back home. ’
My stomach knots. There’s no way people could actually find their way back, not on their own, so it’s essentially an execution in a nicer package. But the fact that they give them the option of staying in Isthyr? That’s something Korvane would never do. He’d kill them and be done with it.
As much as I wish it wouldn’t, my mind latches onto thoughts of the Morathkian king.
Surely he must wonder what happens to his men the Issen capture?
If he knows the Issen are not murderous beyond the necessity of war, then has he really not considered the possibility that there are Morathkians living among the Issen?
If that’s the case, he must be seething that the pyrrhic is preventing him from finding his way to Isthyr again.
I have no doubt he would burn it to the ground if given the chance.
‘I wish I knew how Kyor is doing,’ I answer truthfully. ‘He’s not really speaking to me.’
Ruben’s brow knits. ‘What, not at all?’
‘No, I mean, he’s speaking to me, but not about the big things. I tried to find out how this afternoon went with Uzra and his men, but he shut me down. Said it was fine and exactly what he expected, whatever that means.’
‘It’s got to be hard for him,’ Ruben replies.
‘He’s put his father on this warped pedestal his entire life, despising the man and yet desperate for his respect.
And then there are these men here, soldiers and generals whose opinions he would value in any other situation, telling him what an arsehole his dad is. I can’t imagine that’s easy.’
I don’t imagine for one second that Uzra took such a direct approach, but I get the sentiment.
‘What about you and Benny?’ I say. ‘Any progress there?’
‘Progress?’ he questions.
I arch an eyebrow. ‘Come on. It’s obvious you two are into each other in a pretty big way.’
After a slight pause, Ruben releases a sigh that’s far heavier than I would have expected.