Chapter 27
It is nothing more than masochistic, pain-wrenching torment, I complain to Fen as I stride out of the cave. How can there be any lesson worth learning in that moment? That the queen was in agony? That my mother nearly drained herself trying to save her? I know all that. I witnessed it.
The familiar ache builds in my hands, and I rub at the Issen marks there and try to suppress the rising discomfort. I’m not doing this. I’m not letting my magic take control of me. It’s bad enough that the Veil does so.
Where do you wish to go, Little Raven? Your mate is still with the guard Uzra. Would you like me to take you there?
Is that what I want? Having Kyor hold me in his arms right now might ease the anger I feel, but it might also worsen it. After all, it’s not just my worst day I’m being forced to relive; it’s his too.
No, I’ll go to the library. Find the others, I tell Fen. I lift my foot, ready to mount him, only for a familiar feeling to fall across my body. Yet another magic I still don’t completely have the hang of.
Even before I open my eyes, I know I’m not in the tunnels, and a single blink is all it takes for me to see that I’m back in the High Hold again. This time, in the present day.
I’m pressed up against glass, so close to the window it’s as though I’m desperate to be on the other side, and it’s not hard to see why. There are people on the other side of the glass – people I love – and this is the closest I can get to them.
So I drink in the scene the best I can. I’m peering into Kay’s bedroom. It’s been painted since the last time I saw it, but it’s her room without doubt.
Kay is in bed, with Jonas standing next to her, looking down at the sheets. Sheets that are bloodied. I blink again, praying that I’m wrong, praying that the image of the queen in the Veil has somehow confused what I’m seeing here.
But in my heart of hearts, I know that’s not the case.
This is now. This is my sister’s suffering, not the queen’s. And she is suffering. Oh Gods.
‘My baby,’ Kay sobs, tears streaking down her cheeks.
Jonas drops to her side. ‘Shh, shh, my love. You must rest.’ I’m grateful he doesn’t tell her everything will be okay. It won’t.
There are two other people in the room. William is one of them. He walks to the other side of Kay and takes her hand, offering what scant comfort he can. Relief wars with misery as I see that his skin is still clear, with no signs of the lace pattern on his hands or face.
And there, next to Jonas, is a healer dressed in green, a large bag by her side.
‘Jonas, the baby.’ Kay’s voice is staggered, wheezing.
‘I know. I know, my love.’ Jonas strokes her hair as he speaks.
‘This wasn’t meant to happen,’ she sobs.
Jonas gently pulls Kay’s head towards his chest, tears streaking down his own cheeks. ‘I’m sorry, my love. Truly.’
Kay has lost the baby.
This is why I’ve been brought here. But now I don’t want to be in Wrohelm anymore. Not like this. Not when I’m unable to help her. Yet there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do but watch and wait for this moment to end. For me, at least. For my sister, there will be no departure.
Time passes slowly. The healer leaves and so does William. Jonas carries Kay over to an armchair to allow Summer to change the sheets, and when the pair are at last alone, he cradles her head against his chest while she cries as though her tears could fill all the rivers in Morathka.
When I finally slip back into my own body, I open my eyes to discover I’m back in my room, lying in bed.
Even more surprising than my location is the presence of Fen, who is not only in the room but on the bed itself.
I thought you weren’t allowed in the rooms? The question enters my mind before any other, and with our minds fully tangled, he hears it clearly.
You were in pain, Little Raven. I was not going to leave you.
How did you get me back here? I ask. From what I recall, I was not yet mounted when I fell.
I called my mate, though my howls attracted help before she and the prince reached us. What happened, Little Raven?
Tears clog my throat.
Kay … the baby … the baby…
The words stutter in my throat as my heart aches so deeply it feels as though it’s been torn in two. And what of Kay’s heart? What she’s feeling now must be so much worse.
‘She lost the baby,’ I whisper aloud, hurt and helplessness surging through me. ‘She lost the baby, and I’m not there for her.’
There would have been nothing you could have done, Little Raven.
I know, but she didn’t deserve that, Fen. She deserved some happiness. Why can’t we just have our happiness?
Fen nuzzles his nose into my side. I can’t remember the last time he comforted me like this. Leaning into him, I allow my tears to fall freely into his fur.
I’m sorry, Little Raven. The loss of a pup is great. His words are mournful.
I, on the other hand, have no words, but thankfully Fen doesn’t expect them. And so I lie there, lost in the embrace of Fen’s warm fur, tears sliding down my cheeks unchecked.
There’s a knock at the door.
‘Rosey? Are you in there?’ A beat later. ‘Can I come in? Are you decent?’
‘Come in,’ I croak.
Ruben opens my door and pokes his head inside. The moment he sees the tears, he flings the door wide and rushes to my side, wrapping me in his arms.
He doesn’t ask what happened. Doesn’t ask why I’m crying. Instead, he simply holds me, his gift spreading warmth through my frozen limbs, and his friendly embrace easing some of the ache lodged deep within my chest.
‘I’m okay,’ I manage, but truly I am not.
Why must the Gods torment us like this? Fresh heat builds at the base of my throat.
I’m not with my sister in her deepest pain, and I still don’t know how to save my brother.
I’m keeping a secret from the man I love, and I’m the reason my friends’ lives are at risk.
I’m the reason Llin died – because she drank a poison intended for me – and Stide would still be alive if I hadn’t made that damned bargain to tell her the whereabouts of the other dagger.
The litany of self-indictments rolls through my mind, only dragging me deeper and deeper into pain.
Another surge of magic rises within me, cold and wild. I wrestle it back, forcing it down inch by inch, and I am finally beginning to succeed when a huge, rough, wet tongue sweeps across my face, scattering both my concentration and the gathering magic.
Eww, Fen! Why did you lick me?
I thought it better than you spearing us with ice, he says drily.
It’s hard to deny the solid logic in his approach, but for once, I actually felt like I had a handle on it. Before I can comment as much, Ruben says, ‘As much as you wanted to help her, Fen, I’m sure your noxious spit wasn’t something she needed. Seriously, you need to chew on some mint leaves.’
Fen bares his teeth and lets out a low, rumbling growl that Ruben doesn’t so much as blink at.
‘You don’t scare me. You’re a big softie.’
I am not! Let me nibble him, Fen pleads. Just a little.
No!
‘What happened, Rosey?’ Ruben asks as he turns from my dire wolf, concern lighting his brown eyes.
Were it anyone else, I might be tempted to lie, but this is Ruben. And he knows Kay too. Loves Kay too. ‘I… I saw—’ My lips tremble and I shake my head, unable to get the words out.
‘Scootch up,’ he says to Fen, and my massive beast begrudgingly moves aside a few inches so Ruben can properly perch on the bed beside me. ‘I’m guessing the Veil didn’t go well.’
‘It didn’t,’ I admit, ‘but that’s not why I’m upset. I just… I saw… I had a vision. Kay’s lost the baby.’
‘Oh no. Poor Kay. Gods.’ He pulls me into a hug. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Me too,’ I admit. I close my eyes, trying to stifle the wave of guilt that threatens to drown me, and the dam holding back my grief breaks as I feel Ruben’s solid warmth around me. He has been my port in the storm for so many years, and here he is again, holding me as I cry my heart out.
All of my heartbreak and grief and loss rise within me.
I think of all the moments I’ve longed to see my siblings, not just to check on the state of William’s marks or how Kay was handling the pregnancy, but just to hold them.
To tell them I’m fighting to find a way for them not just to survive, but to thrive.
Ruben rocks me, holding me tightly, and it does not surprise me in the slightest when I see a tear roll down his cheek. He’s always looked after Kay, treating her like his kid sister and spoiling her when he could. Protecting her. Just like me. But we can’t protect her from this. No one can.
I grip his muscular arms and confess my worst thoughts.
‘I told her she should get rid of it.’ My breath comes in short wheezes.
‘I told her there were things you could take to end the pregnancy. I was trying to protect her as an unmarried woman. And now she’s lost the baby, and I can’t stop imagining a nephew or niece I’ll never have.
I hate myself for ever thinking such a thing, let alone saying those words to her.
’ It all tumbles out, my well of grief and self-recrimination keeping my ice magic in check, for now.
‘You said it yourself, Rosey, you were trying to protect her,’ Ruben says softly. ‘She knows that.’
‘But I can’t. I can’t protect her. Not from this.’ The truth causes a deeper wrench behind my sternum and my throat rasps raw as the tears flow anew. ‘What if I don’t do it? What if I don’t finish the Veil and I never get to see them again? I can’t… I can’t…’
For a beat, his arms tighten around me so fiercely I almost can’t breathe. ‘We won’t let that happen,’ he vows.
By the time I pull back to wipe at my face, my temples are pounding. I try to push the feeling down as I straighten up. ‘But you didn’t come here to talk about Kay. What’s up?’
‘Caz has learned something and she’s asked us all to go to the dining room so she can tell us what it is.’
‘Do you know?’
‘No. But she was excited all right.’
I nod and wipe my cheeks, and then his. ‘Thank you, Ruben.’
‘I love her too,’ he says simply.
‘I know.’