Chapter 36 #2
We start our silent walk back to the city, but just like Kyor, I can’t help occasionally turning back towards the sacred lands. Even when I lose sight of the wolf, its effects are still visible in the hundreds of rainbows that litter the clouds.
‘Did you know that Thessa has been hanging out with Magnus?’ I ask Kyor as the thought suddenly strikes.
‘You mean at dinner and things? Sure. Magnus makes an effort to talk to everybody, doesn’t he?’
‘Well, yes. But I think elsewhere as well. I saw her at the cave. She was there with him.’
‘I guess they must have things to talk about,’ he replies as if it’s no big deal.
I guess it’s not, but it just … feels odd. Maybe I’m just jealous. Anytime I try to bring up my mother or my grandmother, he changes the topic. But for Thessa? He’ll apparently chat all day long. All right, I’m definitely jealous.
The two of us head straight upstairs when we reach the library, assuming Caz and Benny are in the normal spot, but while the table is littered with books – along with half-finished water glasses – there are no signs of our friends.
After a couple of enquiries, we discover they’ve been taken, along with Thessa, to an archives section down in the basement.
‘Hey, what’s going on outside?’ Caz asks when we finally find them. ‘People were rushing everywhere, talking about a gift from the Gods.’
‘But even that couldn’t tear you away from your books?’ I tease lightly.
Thessa snorts. ‘Better to tear water from an otter. What is the gift?’
Kyor and Ruben look at me expectantly, assuming I’m going to be the one to answer, but all the peace I felt in the cave is gone, and something tells me talking about the wolf won’t help it return.
‘I made a wolf statue. No big deal,’ I reply with a shrug. ‘Now, what have you found? Anything? How’s the language learning going, Benny?’
His expression is unusually pinched.
‘It’s a muddle, that’s for sure. Some of this, I feel like it’s from the start of writing, like they hadn’t quite decided what certain words were going to be. Things just keep switching, making it really hard to follow.’
‘But you’ve learned something?’
‘Nothing that’s of any use yet. I’m sorry. I’m going to be in here all evening.’
‘Want some company?’ Ruben asks.
‘Only if you actually want to be with me,’ Benny replies with a sharpness I wouldn’t have expected.
Caz and I exchange a look, but it’s Kyor who speaks first. ‘I need to have a shower. I’ll catch you lot later,’ he says before kissing me on my cheek and less than subtly making a run for it.
‘And I left a few reference books upstairs.’ Caz loops her arm through mine. ‘Rose, why don’t you come and get them with me?’
‘Sure. I’m great at finding books,’ I reply.
Thessa stands. ‘I, too, am excellent at finding books.’
We all hastily follow Kyor up the stairs, but at the top of the stairs Thessa peels off with a wave. She was lying about the book thing.
‘What’s going on with Benny and Ruben?’ I question Caz. ‘I spent half the afternoon listening to Ruben talk about how smitten he is. How he’s living his best life.’
‘Really? Because he’s been telling Benny he wants to keep things casual between them.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah. And Benny … well, Benny does casual. Casual was all he ever used to do. But I think he and Ruben have already beaten his previous record for a relationship. And trust me, casual isn’t what he’s after here.’
I let out a long sigh.
Still, while we’re on the subject of new relationships, it feels like the perfect time to switch the conversation slightly.
‘You and Thessa good?’ I ask, trying to sound casual. ‘I don’t want to pry, but…’ I gesture to the empty space Thessa left when she made her hasty retreat.
‘It’s fine. Yeah, we’re good,’ she replies, leaning in closer to me, a slight smile curling at the corner of her lips. ‘We had our first kiss a couple of nights ago.’
I try to hide my surprise that they’ve only just moved on to kissing. I’ve seen plenty of hand-holding and assumed more had gone on behind closed doors, but I guess not everyone moves at the same breakneck pace as Benny and Ruben.
‘That’s lovely.’ I pause. ‘Was it lovely?’
Caz laughs. ‘It really was.’ She hums happily. ‘You wouldn’t think it, but Thessa really knows how to kiss.’
‘I’m happy for you,’ I say, meaning it with all my heart.
It hasn’t been that long since Llin passed away – just a handful of months – but Llin and Caz had also not been back together for long after several years of separation.
It’s undoubtedly fucked with her head and her heart, but Caz deserves happiness, and I know that Llinos wouldn’t begrudge her finding that with Thessa, not at all.
In fact, I’m sure that the only thing Llin would complain about is missing the opportunity for a threesome.
‘And everything’s good?’ I press. ‘I know you were upset about the whole sentinel thing. Not knowing about her role, I mean.’
‘Yeah.’ A single line etches between Caz’s eyebrows.
‘We all have our secrets, don’t we? I guess it’s easy to forget about the cultural differences between us until something like that happens, and I know we’ve had completely different upbringings, hers filled with fear and persecution.
It’s hard for her to trust – understandably so – so we’re taking our time and learning as much as we can about one another, as slowly and carefully as we can. ’
With the first kiss having only just happened, slow is definitely the right word, and I get it. Caz had the love of her life. I guess this way, she knows for certain whether it’ll be worth risking her heart again.
We reach the upstairs table – the one they normally work at – but rather than grabbing books, Caz takes a seat and I pull out the chair opposite.
‘And how are you feeling about it all?’ she asks. ‘Finding out you’re part Sanning?’
I shrug. ‘Hard for it to sink in really. I did wonder where my Raven Sight heritage came from, and it’s nice to have an answer there, but I didn’t meet my grandmother, who Magnus refuses to talk about. I still don’t even know her name. I also don’t know any other Sannings but Thessa now.’
And that’s why Magnus has probably been seeking Thessa out, I suddenly realise. He enjoys speaking to one of his wife’s people, even if he can’t bring himself to speak of the woman herself. Whatever happened, it’s clear his pain there runs deep, but I do want answers.
‘Are you interested in meeting more Sannings?’ Caz asks, breaking my stream of thoughts. ‘After we’re done here, Thessa and I, we’ve talked of travelling together. Meeting some more of her people.’
‘Really?’ They might be taking things slow physically, but that level of trust, of communication, feels pretty committed to me.
‘Yeah. You could come with us!’
My lips press tightly together. ‘Thank you for the invite, truly, but I have to go back to Wrohelm.’ I lower my voice. ‘I need to see William. I worry about the marks. And Kay too, now she’s lost the baby.’
‘Of course you do.’ Caz reaches out and squeezes my hand, and I find myself gripping hers firmly, needing the grounding hold.
‘Caz, I’m scared,’ I admit in a near whisper.
‘I need to return to them, but I’m no closer to completing the Veil.
If I don’t…’ I can’t even finish the sentence.
It’s too painful to think about. To have my brother returned to me, only to lose him forever.
Even thinking about him continuing to grow up without me in his life is enough to constrict my throat.
‘But you will. And when you do, you will have choices. Meet the Sannings. Bring your siblings here. Marry Kyor and rule over three-quarters of the land.’ She lets the last part out with a chuckle, but I can’t reciprocate it.
Instead a hollow feeling settles in my stomach. It tastes bitter to voice the words that have been haunting me in the quiet nights, but I need to share them. ‘I want to believe that Kyor and I have a future, so much. But unless he’s willing to stand up to his father, then … how can we?’
Her grip on my hand tightens. ‘The Gods have their ways. And so do you two. You’re phenomenal, Rose. Every time there’s a challenge, you don’t just rise to meet it, you soar.’
‘Yeah, and then plummet to the earth,’ I mutter.
‘Nonsense. You’re the gifted for a reason, Rose. You’ve got this. This won’t be any different from the Retterheld.’
I wish I had her faith.
‘It feels different,’ I say, glancing down at my hands, which are always hurting now, drenching my nervous system in pain.
‘Rose, when push comes to shove, you get it done. Just wait and see. Now, I need to get back to work, so are you picking up a book and helping me or not?’
I pick up a book.
It’s with tired eyes that I walk into our bedroom, having searched through more books than I cared to count for a reference to Sanrott and coming up empty.
But when I enter our room, I stop, shocked at the sight in front of me.
Or, more precisely, the normality. A normality I didn’t realise how much I’d missed until this moment.
Kyor sits on the bed, his back against the frame, a notepad on his lap and a pencil in hand.
‘What are you lingering in the doorway for?’ he says, not even lifting his gaze from the paper.
‘I was just thinking how much I love watching you draw like this,’ I reply truthfully. ‘And how long it’s been.’
‘Yeah, well, when I left the library, I saw a couple of kids with an old woman. Turns out it was Tove’s grandmother. She was teaching them to draw, so I asked if she had some paper and a pencil I could borrow. Have to admit, I forgot how much I love it. How much I need it.’
I move towards the bed, craning to see, only to hesitate.
‘You okay to show me?’ I ask.
‘’Course. It’s just a couple of sketches,’ he says. ‘I’m finding my flow again.’
‘I’d say you’ve already got it,’ I reply, looking at the piece of art in front of me.
The two dire wolves are easily identifiable by the patterns of their fur, but how he’s made them look different colours while using only grey is a mystery to me.