Chapter 58 #2
So do I. Right now, that’s exactly how I feel. Condemned hearts. Those are the words my attention is fixed on. Does that mean emotionally or physically? Or both?
‘Skakka?’ Aulia brings my attention back to the moment. ‘I will ready my armies. We are prepared to fight the moment you call.’
‘To fight?’ Caz asks, her voice high and nervous. ‘I thought you just finished the fight.’
I shake my head. ‘I had a vision. There are Rottings,’ I explain, ‘thousands of them heading to Galreck. We were right, I’m sure of it. They’re being controlled by Mila and storming the city for the dagger. We have to stop them.’
‘Thousands,’ Thessa murmurs, eyes wide.
‘Magnus— Grandfather,’ I stress the term again. ‘I need the Issen to fight this. On our own, with these numbers, we don’t stand a chance. But if the Issen join the Torailians, and the Morathkians that Kyor is gathering, then I believe we can do it. I believe we can defeat them.’
His lips press together lightly as his steely gaze looks so deep into me, I swear he’s viewing the soul that hides beneath my skin. ‘You’re asking to lead your people?’
The answer comes with absolute certainty. ‘I am.’
He nods solemnly. ‘Rose, believe me, there is nothing I want more.’
I can already hear that single word drowning out the rest of his sentence. That one syllable that causes a pressure on my chest like a vice.
‘But?’ I say to him. ‘There is a but, isn’t there?’
He nods. ‘Your time is short, my child. And poison aside, you cannot lead the Issen unless you have completed the Veil.’
His words are suffocating, a heat more stifling than all the fires of Wrohelm flooding my body.
‘I don’t have time,’ I tell him urgently. ‘We have to go now. The Rottings are already there.’
‘I understand, but you wish to lead the Issen together with the Torailians. This has never been done before, and after the breach of the pyrrhic—’
‘That was Ranveeg’s fault!’ I cry. ‘Nothing to do with the Torailians or the Morathkians. Ask your men. She said so outright, and they all heard her.’
Magnus shakes his head. ‘I am not casting blame, Rose, not on you or anyone else. What I’m saying is my people – our people – will not be led into a war by anyone that has not been through the Veil. It is the ultimate test of leadership for us.’
‘They just did!’ I shout. ‘Toren, Ylva, they came with me.’
‘To defend the pyrrhic, yes. That is not the same. That is not leading people out of the city. Travelling into Morathkian territory.’
I look at my grandfather, the sorrow and regret in his eyes, and know that he’s right. I clench my jaw in frustration.
‘Rose, right now, the people are scared. And their princess not having completed the Veil is another source of fear for them. They will not follow you, not truly, not until you’ve passed the final stage of the Rite.’
‘Because they think I’m incapable,’ I conclude.
‘No, because they fear they will lose you forever. If you leave now, the poison will take you.’
His voice is calm, as if he’s not speaking of my death.
Fuck.
My hands clench and unclench as I shake my head, images of children screaming as they run from the Rottings filling my mind.
I should have done more to pass this fucking Veil before, but how, when it keeps kicking me out?
How, when I’ve only been given one chance a day while also trying to learn about myself and my heritage and grieving the loss of one of my best friends in the world, when the wound from losing Llin has barely even scabbed over.
‘But Grandfather, we have to go now! Talking like this is just wasting time. Don’t you understand that? We’re wasting time!’ I don’t care that I’m yelling at a king. If he’s not listening, then I’m going to yell. I’ll do anything to make him hear me.
‘Armies take time to mobilise,’ Loch says calmly from where he’s perched on the arm of the sofa. ‘Food and resources need to be gathered. We cannot leave instantly.’
‘Indeed,’ Thessa agrees. ‘Why can you not complete the Veil now?’ my cousin asks softly. ‘Magnus can gather his people. By the time you are done, they will be ready to leave, with you leading them.’
‘Why can’t I just complete it now?’ I spit the words with pure despair. ‘Don’t you understand? That’s what I’ve been trying to do for weeks now! It’s not that simple—’
‘Or maybe it is,’ Caz comments.
I look at her, frowning.
‘When push comes to shove, Rose, you get the job done.’
There’s nothing but belief in her gaze, and I want to feel that too. But I can’t. I can’t. I’ve been inside it. Lived that moment of sheer torture over and over again. However hard they think it is, it’s so much harder in reality.
But then I suddenly realise that maybe there’s another reason I’ve been so reluctant to finish it.
Because when I do that, when it’s over, I know I’ll never see her again.
And seeing my mother scared, seeing her in one of the worst moments of her life, is still so much better than not seeing her at all.
I close my eyes as the truth settles over me. The look of love that shimmers in her gaze every time she glances my way. That’s what I keep returning for.
Which means I know what I have to do.
I have to accept it.
Accept that this is the last time I will ever see her face for the rest of my life, through magic or otherwise.
And then I have to learn the Veil’s fucking lesson.