Chapter Fourteen
Ben
The second I opened the album Mazzy had made for me, my heart broke, knitted together, then broke all over again.
The pictures and videos were in order, telling a beautiful story of the first four years of our daughter’s life—a story I’d forever be an observer of instead of the participant I should have been.
I blinked hard at tiny, wrinkly baby Kateryna on Mazzy’s chest, covered in goop, and so beautiful, I couldn’t breathe.
And Mazzy…God, Mazzy. Hair plastered to her temples, a delirious smile on her face—I was spellbound, weak with such profound loss, it was all I could do to scroll to the next picture and the next.
The story Mazzy had given me was a timeline I wished I could walk with my own two feet. Since I couldn’t, this was the next best thing.
A man with fluffy tufts of white hair appeared again and again, holding my daughter like his pride and joy.
The close-up of Katty’s face—her eyes cloudy, cheeks plump and rosy—was a gut punch. I swiped past it. I’d go back to it. I’d look up what cataracts were, what the surgery had been like, everything I could get my hands on—but not now.
There were more pictures of the man with white hair snuggling her. Kissing the top of her head. The three of them together.
“Your dad?”
“Yes.” Mazzy leaned over to peer at the screen. “She called him Dido.”
I nodded, my thumb tracing over his face then Katty’s. “He took care of you guys.”
“Oh yeah.” She exhaled, shaky and uneven. “He was the best dad. The very best dido.”
I kept scrolling, watching my daughter grow. The first picture of her in glasses made my eyes sting. They looked so big on her petite face, but the clear eyes behind them were the most miraculous thing I’d ever seen.
I paused to watch a video of her blowing spit bubbles then another of her clapping.
I nearly threw the phone at the video of her walking toward Mazzy.
She stumbled and fell on her chubby knees, making her cry.
Of course, Mazzy was there. As soon as she had Katty in her arms, the video cut out, and dear god, was it a knife to my lungs.
I swallowed hard, blinked even harder, and scrolled on.
The first sound of her voice, impossibly small.
Her squeals as she went down a slide on Mazzy’s lap.
Peals of laughter as Mazzy pushed her in a swing.
Running away from a sprinkler. Frosting all over her face as she chowed down on a birthday cupcake.
I had to turn the screen off. It was too much. Too damn much. I didn’t know how to handle the raging mix of utter joy and immeasurable loss tumbling through my body.
“I’m sorry,” Mazzy murmured softly as I tried really hard not to crush her phone.
I sucked in a breath, then another, finally putting the phone down on the couch. “It’s a lot. Not your fault, I’m just trying to deal with this, and I don’t quite know how.”
She shot me a timid smile, barely a curl of her lips. “I think…you’re doing the best you can, Ben. You’re rolling with it. I understand if it’s too much. We can slow things down.”
“No, absolutely not.” I swiped at my wet eyes with the backs of my hands. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend as much time with her as I can. I’m traveling this weekend for a match, but any time I’m in town, I’d like to see her.”
“I don’t have a problem with that.” She nibbled her bottom lip. “I don’t think I’m ready for you to take her by yourself yet, though. Eventually, yes, but not yet.”
I cocked my head, surprised. “I don’t need her by myself. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Tonight was really great for me, though. If I can have more of this—wait, was it okay for you, having me here?”
“Yeah. I was nervous about what you’d think of our home, but once you got here, everything was easy. I’d braced for Kateryna to be uncomfortable, but it’s like she intrinsically knows your connection to her. So yes, it’s more than okay for you to keep spending time with her this way.”
“Thank you, Mazz. You have no idea what a relief that is to hear.” I was relieved, but my mind snagged on what she’d said before the good stuff.
“Why would you be nervous, though? This place is small, but it’s really nice.
Plus, you have family right across the garage.
Personally, I love you and Kat living here.
I can rest easy, knowing you’re not on your own when I can’t be around. ”
“Well…” she picked up her phone, flipping it between her hands, “I haven’t looked up your salary or anything, but you’re well-off. I imagine where you live is at least ten times the size of my place, and here I am, raising your daughter in a garage.”
Oh no. This would not do. I hadn’t been in this long, but I had no doubts about the life Mazzy had built for her and Kat.
Even though Aunt Barb scared the bejeezus out of me, it was clear as day Katty had a lot of love around her.
Add in a cute little apartment, cool toys, and a kickass wardrobe, and I considered my kid to have it all.
There was nothing for Mazzy to be self-conscious about.
“You’ve done an incredible job. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t want for anything.
And yeah, I have money. I’ve always had money.
What I didn’t have was a mom who made me feel secure and loved.
I didn’t have a warm home or a room filled with my favorite things.
I had my brothers, and that was a lot, but I sure as hell didn’t have what you’ve given our girl.
Don’t think for a second I’m judging you. Not even a little.”
A long breath fell from her parted lips. “Thank you for saying that. I really try the best I can with what I have.”
I slipped an envelope out of my pocket. “This probably isn’t the best timing, but I had an account set up for you. This is the debit card and information. I also reached out to HR about adding her to my health insurance. I don’t know if you want that, but I wanted to get the ball rolling in case.”
She accepted the envelope, twin lines etched between her brows as she turned it over in her hands. “Is there an exorbitant amount of money in here?”
“Uh…” I scratched my jaw. I’d been prepared to deposit a hell of a lot more, but Nate had talked me into keeping it at six figures—for now.
“I’m not sure what the right answer is here.
Some might call it exorbitant, but I have a lot of ground to cover.
I can’t make up for the time I missed, but I can do this.
Like you said, I have the money. You and Katty will never have to worry about that. ”
Her eyes finally lifted to mine. “Thank you, Ben. We haven’t struggled. I want you to know that. Katty has all she needs.”
“I know,” I said gently. “You’ve done an incredible job. Now I’m asking you to let me support you both.”
She exhaled a long, soft breath. “I can do that. I think. Accepting help is hard, but at the same time, I never feel like I’m doing enough for her.”
I took her hand again, holding it firm in mine. “Obviously, I’m new to this dad thing, but I’ve been watching my brother and best friends raise their kids, and I have to tell you, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing all good parents feel.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes hit mine, hopeful and bright. “I don’t have any mom friends. All my friends from college are light-years away from settling down, much less having a kid, and I don’t have much time to make new friends…”
“First—I’m introducing you to Roman’s wife, Shira, and my best friend, Bea. They will mom friend you up hard. Second—I know I should have asked you this question years ago, so forgive me for being late—how old are you?”
The way she winced made my gut clench. This was going to be bad.
“Twenty-four,” she whispered.
Oh yeah. No. What? That was even worse than I thought.
“Wow, okay, twenty-four. Like a two and a four smushed together?” I shoved my free hand through the side of my hair. “I didn’t see that coming. I’m about to have an existential crisis.”
That made her laugh. “I’ll be twenty-five soon, if that makes you feel better.”
My eyes flared, and I threw my hand out to the side. “No, Mazzy Belle, it does not. You are young. Very, very young. My brothers are going to give me such a hard time.”
She continued to be extremely tickled by my freak-out. “You’re only ten years older than me.”
“Ahhh!” I cried, covering my ears, but there was no unhearing this horror show. “That doesn’t sound any better. You were what—nineteen? Twenty?—when we met?”
“I was twenty. Not a teenager. Don’t worry.”
I buried my face in my hands. “Oh god.”
She scooted closer, patting my shoulder. “I was fully legal. Well…technically, I couldn’t buy my own drinks, but you did that for me.”
“Ahhh!” I yelled into my hands. “Mazzy Belle! I corrupted you.”
Her giggle was far too light and airy, but I couldn’t be mad at her for it—not when she’d seemed so weighed down a couple days ago. Even if she was laughing at me while I was going through it, I liked hearing it.
“Ben, I promise that wasn’t the first time I got drunk or had sex.”
I grasped around blindly. “Give me a pillow to scream into so I don’t wake up our kid.”
She gave my arm a shove. “Has anyone told you you’re dramatic?”
“Never.” I raised my head to peer at her. “I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough. You seem to be laughing at me.”
“That’s because you’re being silly. We got drunk, we had fun, we hooked up. Age didn’t really come into the equation. It wasn’t like I was in high school.”
I groaned, burying my face in a cushion. “Don’t say that.”
She giggled again, close to my ear this time, her warm breath brushing my cheek. “At least neither of us is on the verge of tears anymore.”
“Speak for yourself.”
She was right, though. I may have been making a bigger deal out of our age gap than strictly necessary. What was done was done, and the woman sitting before me was unquestionably a mature adult with her shit all the way together.
She patted my cheek. “Are you done freaking out? I really do have studying to do.”
When I raised my head again, she was closer than I thought. Her breath stuttered, and so did mine. I could count the freckles on the bridge of her nose, see the flecks of gold in her irises. Her shampoo smelled citrusy and fresh. Neither of us moved. We barely breathed.
Then she blinked, her lashes brushing her cheeks as she looked down. “So we’ll see you when you get back from your trip?”
“Right. Yes, you will,” I said, my voice coming out rougher than I intended. “I have a community event Sunday with the team. Would you guys want to come? It’s family friendly.”
“You want us to?”
“More than anything, yes.”
She nodded. “Send me the details. We can probably make it. I can’t promise Katty will be interested in rugby, but you never know.”
It was days away, but at least we had concrete plans—something to look forward to while I was away.
“I’ll call while I’m gone. And you can text or call me anytime. Anything you need.”
“Thank you.” She unfolded her legs, pushing up to her feet.
Taking the hint, I stood too. “I’ll see myself out. Don’t want to distract you from your studies.”
Her mouth twitched. “You already did.”
I huffed a laugh as I headed for the door. “Then I’d better go before I get blamed for bad grades.”
“See you soon, Ben.” She leaned against the open door, her head tilted to the side. “Good luck at your match.”
“Appreciate it, Mazz.” I gave her hair a tug. “We’ll talk soon.”
In the cool night air, I blew out a breath, peering up at Mazzy’s glowing windows. Walking away didn’t feel good or right, but it was the only thing I could do.
At least this time I knew I’d be back.