Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-three
Mazzy
After my birthday trip, life went on. School, work, Kateryna, and Ben.
Over the last month, the only nights we’d spent apart were when he was traveling for a match. Most of the time, he stayed in my little apartment. On the weekends, Katty and I slept at his house.
The cautious voice in the back of my mind tried to shout things were getting too intense too fast, but the lover girl in me had too many hearts in her eyes to pay attention.
Besides, it was impossible not to be serious about a relationship with the father of my child.
We were inextricably linked for life. It wasn’t like we could do casual.
At least, I couldn’t.
And the way Ben practically molded himself to me all day and night, I didn’t think he could either.
We were attached to each other, and Katty was in heaven. I didn’t think she really understood me and Ben were a couple, just that she got to have her mom and dad around all the time and was heaped with attention.
That shouting voice tried to warn me about that too, but again, heart eyes. I was trying my best to trust this would work out, one way or another. What else could I have done?
Probably take things slowly.
Not have sleepovers every night.
Definitely not fall deeply in love with his family and friends.
But here we were. Katty and I were staying with Ben, helping him watch Jonah while Roman and Shira were in the hospital, welcoming their new baby, Ruby.
Jonah was currently wedged under my arm, sucking on two fingers while watching a kids’ show. Katty was on my other side, wedged just as deeply. It was kind of fantastic.
Ben walked in, stopped in his tracks, slid his phone out of his pocket, and snapped a picture.
Then he shook his head. “I don’t know, Mazz. Two kids look pretty damn good on you.”
I laughed softly and stroked Jonah’s baby curls. “I think Roman and Shira would have a fit if I tried to keep him.”
Winking, he bent down and kissed the top of my head. “We’ll have to make one of our own.” He gave Kat and Jonah kisses too, then flopped down on the couch next to us. It didn’t take long for both kids to migrate to him—Jonah on his lap, Kat curled against his side.
I smirked as my heart did a wild dance in my chest. “I don’t know…two kids look good on you too.”
“Right?” He grinned, holding out his arm. “And look, I’ve still got room for you.”
I scooted over, letting him tuck me under his heavy arm. “I’m supposed to be studying.”
“I know.” His arm tightened around me. “I’ll let you go soon. Just give me another minute or two.”
Five years ago, I never would’ve guessed the man I’d met in the New Zealand airport was a family guy—but that was exactly who Ben had turned out to be. Then again, I hadn’t been a family girl back then and had only become one by default.
Still…there was something about having connections.
Something I’d been missing my entire life.
I’d had my dad and my papa…then just my dad.
And even though I’d been loved, I’d always felt a little moorless, like I’d lived on a lonely island in the middle of a busy sea while everyone else floated by on big, bright boats full of people they belonged to.
If this thing with Ben ever ended—if he and Kat sailed off on their family boat together—I knew exactly where I’d be. Back on my island. Standing in the sand. Watching the silhouette of a boat I’d let myself believe could be mine.
That faraway voice inside me was still yelling for me to run—to swim to shore before it was too late. Sometimes the urge hit so hard, it knocked the breath out of me.
Maybe it was the adoptee in me. The part of me that’d learned—long before I had words—people could disappear.
One day, I belonged to someone; the next, I didn’t.
My dad and papa had given me a soft landing, but even their love hadn’t erased the feeling of being unanchored.
A guest in my own life. Someone who shouldn’t get too attached to anything precious because she might have to hand it back.
Losing them both only cemented that belief, confirming the terrible suspicion running in my bones that attachments were temporary. Nothing stayed. Not for me.
Sitting here in Ben’s house, two warm little bodies fused to us and his arm locked around my shoulders, felt dangerously close to something I’d always wanted. A family. A place where I could finally rest, where I didn’t have to brace for the drift.
And Ben…he never treated me like a visitor. He pulled me in like I already belonged, like he’d written me straight into the blueprints of his life without hesitation.
It terrified me. And…god, I wanted it anyway. Wanted it so much, it ached.
Later, after Jonah and Katty were asleep in their beds, Ben tugged me onto his chest. We were both tired from taking care of two very energetic kids all day, so even though looking at him wearing nothing but briefs made my core heat, I didn’t try to take us there.
Curling up in his arms after a long day was enough.
He traced my lips with his fingertips. “You’ve been frowning all day. I really hate it.”
“I haven’t.”
“You have.”
I lifted my head to scowl at him. “Now I’m frowning.”
He palmed my face and chuckled. “If you think I didn’t notice your expression all day, you must not understand how often I’m looking at you.
It’s an always thing. Usually, you’re either very serious, thinking lawyerly things, or smiling at me or our kid.
Frowning isn’t you, so try again, baby. Tell me what’s up. ”
I heaved a sigh, caught myself and called out. “I have noticed you’re a little obsessed with me.”
“Not a little.” He cupped my jaw. “Did I do something wrong? Are you tired of me? I can try to give you space if you need it. I can’t promise I’ll be good at it, but I will try.”
“No, it’s definitely not you,” I rushed out, kicking myself for making him feel that way, even for a second. “I don’t like space. I like when we’re glued together.”
“Glue?” His eyes lit. “I didn’t know that was a possibility. You’d be all right if I glued you to me?”
“Shut up.” I swatted his shoulder. “There will be no literal glue. If I tried to take you to class with me, I’d be a laughingstock.”
“I wouldn’t want that. The only one allowed to laugh at you is me.”
That made me snicker. “You mean, laugh at my incredible sense of humor?”
“Sure. That’s exactly what I meant.” He winked. “Hey, Mazz, would you rather never tell a funny joke again or everything you say, no matter how serious it is, makes everyone laugh hysterically?”
I twisted my mouth, thinking. “I hate this game.”
“Fine. If you don’t want to answer, tell me about the frown.”
I sighed. “You won’t drop this, will you?”
He tilted his head on his pillow. “Do you want me to?”
“No, I’m tired, but no. You don’t have to drop it.” I traced the curve of his pec back and forth. “Remember when I told you about when I first decided to keep Katty, I kept thinking I wanted to finally see someone who looked like me?”
“I remember. I see you in her too. I’m sure when she gets older, she’ll become more and more like her gorgeous mama.” He touched my chin, turning me fully toward him. “But that’s not what you were frowning about.”
“I’m a little scared,” I rushed out.
“Of…us?” His eyebrows winged in surprise.
I nodded. “Not just you and me, but all the good knowing you has brought into my life. It’s…well, I’ve done some reading on adoptees, especially those who never knew their birth parents, and a lot of us carry a sense of abandonment. Things feel impermanent no matter how secure we are.”
His eyes were locked on me as he listened intently. “I know something about abandonment.”
“I know you do.” I rubbed my lips together, trying to gather my thoughts.
“I don’t know anything about my birth parents, other than they gave me up.
They didn’t want me to find them or have any clue who they were, and that’s something I always carry with me.
You know the song ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’?
That was my first cut. It happened at birth and never healed.
I don’t think it ever will. So…I just…it’s difficult for me to accept that I can have and keep good things.
Sooner or later, reality will set in and it’ll all be taken away.
And I know it’s irrational, but that cut… ”
He nodded solemnly. More serious than I’d ever seen him. “You even felt that way with your dads?”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “I think I did. It wasn’t always at the surface like today, but it was there. Forever in the background.” I exhaled, just as shaky. “I’m a lot more work than I seem, Ben. Now’s your chance to bow out.”
“Nope.” His fingers spread out beneath my jaw. “I’m not bowing out, Mazz, and I’ve never been afraid of work. The thing is, you are the easiest person I have in my life. My brothers get all emotionally constipated. I have to drag shit out of them.”
My nose crinkled. “Ew. Poor word choice.”
He chuckled, pecking my nose. “See? This is what I mean. You’re easy as hell.
Even when you spend the day frowning, you’re still my goofy Mazz, and you open like a beautiful flower when I shine a little sun on you.
And I don’t know how to make you feel more secure, or even if I can, but I’m all in with you. I’m so into you, it’s kind of gross.”
I had to laugh, even as my belly swooped. “I’m grossly into you too.”
“You are?” His eyes lit. “How gross?”
“Disgustingly. If I had a notebook, I’d doodle about you.”
“That’s it. Tomorrow, you’re getting a notebook. I demand doodles. I need that to happen.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m one-hundred-percent sure plenty of girls have filled pages and pages with your name in hearts.”
He shook his head. “But not my Mazz. You’ve never put my name in a heart, and that’s all that counts.”
“Well…” I moved my fingertip to the center of his chest, tracing a heart. Then I moved to the center of the invisible shape and wrote his name. “Now I have. Do you feel better?”