Chapter 21
Twenty-One
Ellison
The house is quiet when we get back. I don’t know where my sisters are, but I’m kinda glad we have a few minutes just for us.
Not that we didn’t take time sitting in the cab of his truck after our appointment, but the thrill that we’re having a baby, officially confirmed, has not worn off, and I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to hide it.
Having more time helps me get my emotions in check.
As if they knew I was thinking about them, my phone pings with a text message alert.
Courtlynn: Lorn and I are grabbing dinner. Does anyone need anything?
Leighton: Kelly and I are shopping for her sister’s baby shower. We’ll grab something while we’re out.
Me: Copeland and I just got back from dinner. Be safe.
“That was my sisters. They’re both out for a few hours,” I tell Copeland.
He nods. “What do you want to do tonight?” he asks, pulling me into his arms.
“This. I just want you to hold me.”
“Done. Down here or up in your room? We could go back to my room at the inn?”
“Let’s go upstairs.” I kiss him under his chin before taking his hand and leading him up to my room. Once inside, I close the door and turn the lock, giving us more privacy. Not that I expect my sisters to come home anytime soon.
Copeland sits down on the bed and opens his arms for me. I step into his embrace and hold on to him with everything I have. Closing my eyes, I soak up the feel of being with him, where I was always meant to be. When I open my eyes, I spot the small plastic tote sitting on the dresser.
I want to know what those letters say. I want his words. I need to read them.
I know we’re solid. This baby, it’s our gift, this new chapter of life we’re writing together. And no matter how sad those letters make me feel, our future is bright, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that Copeland is with me in this.
We both had the chance to experience life without the other, and neither one of us wants to do that again. “I think I’m ready to read them,” I tell him, pulling out of our hug.
“You sure?” he asks, his brow furrowing.
“Those are your words to me, Copeland. I’m still mad at her. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over what she did, but they’re here. We’re starting a family, and something inside me says I need to read them. I know I said that I wasn’t ready, but I am now. Will you… Will you stay with me?”
“Baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’m your shadow for the rest of our lives.” He winks before he stands and moves around the bed to grab the box and bring it back to me. “How are we doing this? Am I reading them to you? Do you want to read them on your own?”
“I want to read them, but I need you here. I need to feel you close. I know these letters are going to hurt, and I need to remember that it’s our past, and this little one”—I place my hands over my belly—“is our future.”
“Not just this baby, Ells. We are each other’s future. You and I, we’re a team, and we’ll tackle anything life wants to toss our way. Together. There is no more Copeland and no more Ellison. It’s now Copeland and Ellison, a cohesive unit.”
I smile. “I like the sound of that.”
“Good. Now, let’s do this.” He kicks off his shoes and settles on the bed, patting the spot next to him. I climb in beside him and lean against his chest as he wraps his arms around me.
Reaching for the box, I pull out the first letter. They’re still in date order. I carefully open the envelope and start reading.
Ellison,
I miss you. It’s barely been a full twenty-four hours, and I’m already questioning my decision.
I’m sorry I didn’t discuss my leaving with you sooner.
I wanted to, but if I’m being honest, I was scared that you would convince me to stay, and it was too late for that.
I thought waiting would make leaving easier, but I was wrong.
Leaving you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I imagine it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in life.
I love you.
I made this choice for us. I was talking to Chandler, and he joined for a short stint and opted to have his pay saved for spousal support should something happen to him.
He saw what happened to Mom after we lost Dad, and baby, everything he said made sense to me.
I understood his decision, and that’s why I made the same one.
I left Magnolia Ridge and you, but I’m coming home, Ellison. I will always come home to you. I’m only planning on four years, and then I’m back. I’ll come home, and we can make sure every dream, every plan we ever made comes true.
I’m not going to ask you to come with me. By the time you graduate, I’ll almost be done. I will ask you to hold on for me. Hold on to the love we share, and I’ll be home soon.
I miss you, Ells.
I love you so much. Never forget that.
Love,
Copeland
Tears race down my cheeks as I fold the letter with shaking hands and place it back into the envelope and into the box. Copeland tightens his arms around me, and his face is buried in my neck.
“I read it over your shoulder,” he says, his voice cracking. “I was so stupid, Ells. Fuck me, I never should have left you. I’m sorry, baby. So damn sorry.” His voice is raspy with emotion.
“I love you,” I tell him, placing my hands over his.
“I love you, and we’re here now. We’re together, where we were always meant to be.
” I can feel him nod, but no more words are spoken.
When my tears have slowed, I pick up another letter and start to read.
I read through three more before pausing to turn to look at Copeland over my shoulder. “You never forgot about me.”
“Never, Ellison. Not for a single second of the entire seventeen years I was gone. I could never forget you, Ells. Not ever.”
Nodding, I reach for another letter.
Ellison
It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t heard from you. You should have received my letters by now. I’m hoping yours are just slower to get to me, because the alternative breaks my soul into tiny pieces.
Please don’t give up on me, on us, Ellison. I’m so damn sorry, but I’m here now, and I’m doing this for us. For you. My mom struggled, and babe, I don’t want that for you. If something ever happens to me, I want to know that I did everything I could to provide for my family.
That’s you, Ellison.
You are my family.
I miss you with a desperation I’ve never felt before.
Please don’t hate me.
Just write me back, please. Please tell me I didn’t push away the best thing that ever happened to me. I did this for us, Ellison.
I love you.
I fucking miss you.
Love,
Copeland
I’m sobbing, but I can’t stop. I need to read all of them. I need his words. They’re breaking me, but they’re also healing me. He loved me. Every day, he loved me.
“Ells, you don’t have to do this,” Copeland says. “You’re upset. That’s not good for you or the baby.”
“I’m okay,” I assure him.
“You’re not okay.”
“I need this, Copeland. Just don’t let go.” I don’t turn to look at him this time, or the flood of tears will really be unleashed. I have to keep going. I choose another, and another. I’ve read so many now, I’ve lost track of where I am, but in every word he wrote, he tells me he loves me.
When I reach for another letter in the stack, my hands are trembling. With each letter my heart breaks a little more, but I need it. I need to read his thoughts, know what was in his heart.
Ellison
I came to see you. Boot camp was over, and I couldn’t get home to Magnolia Ridge fast enough. I needed to hold you and tell you how sorry I was for leaving. I needed to wrap my arms around you and hold you.
I saw you. You were with Kinzie, Macklin, Dixon, and Bowen. You were all laughing and having a great time. Your blue eyes were sparkling with happiness.
You’re not missing me, as I miss you.
Your chest’s not aching every second of every day like mine is.
I watched you all for far longer than I should have, but I never went to you. You’ve moved on, or so it seems, and I can admit I wasn’t man enough to face that. To face you. I’ve seen it, but I’ve never heard the words, and I doubt that I will, unless you start replying to these letters.
Maybe this time you will. I saw you, baby, and you’re beautiful. My fingers ached to hold you, but my feet refused to carry me toward you. I left you, and you’ve found your happy, and I couldn’t mess with that.
I was also hurt. I admit I felt left out and betrayed. My friends and my girl were living it up, having the best time, and no one seemed to miss me.
I walked away again, but I already regret it. I should have stayed. I should have told you that I was there. Even if it ended in a fight, maybe I still could have hugged you. Told you that I love you.
I do, you know. I love you with everything inside me. I don’t know how not to love you.
Yours always,
Copeland
“Stop. Just stop,” Copeland says, his voice cracking. “You have to stop. I can’t handle you being upset like this. It’s all in the past, Ells. Let’s leave it there.”
“No. I have to keep going.” I wipe at my cheeks and pick up another letter. I get lost in his words, living his pain.
“I’m so mad at her,” I tell him. “She stole so much from us.”
“I’m sorry.”
I turn to glance at him over my shoulder. “Stop apologizing. There was so much that went wrong. I love you. We’re past all of this.”
“Then stop reading. I can’t take seeing you like this.”
“I have to do this, Cope. I need to do this. I have to keep reading. I need to feel your words, because they’re mine, too. I went all those years thinking you never loved me to begin with. These letters, they’re healing me.”
“They’re not.” He shakes his head. “They’re hurting you.”
“It’s healing. Tears are a part of life, big guy. Just think if this little one is a girl, you’re going to be outnumbered with hormones.” I offer him a watery smile.
“I’ll cherish every damn day of whatever you and our children toss my way, Ells.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He kisses my forehead, and I turn back around and grab the final letter.
My Ells,