Chapter 8
Junie
I stand in the hallway for at least two minutes, but Steven is not coming back. A sinking feeling settles in my chest and my fingers dig into the thin fabric of his stupid soft shirt. What the hell is wrong with him?
It stings more than it should. The last few days I’ve felt something explosive growing between us. After Eva pointed it out, I felt his eyes on me constantly. It made me aware of every inch of my body. I fucking tingled in his presence. I’ve never felt so alive.
But he clearly wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I read the whole thing wrong. Maybe it was never about the man at all—my mind and body were just excited about the novelty. Maybe I’m just outrageously horny for scuba diving.
I bring the shirt to my nose, take a big sniff, and the argument in my mind fades away. Okay, so he doesn’t want me. That item on my list will remain unchecked. That won’t drive me crazy at all, especially not on the last night of the best trip of my life.
I make sure to straighten my spine and brighten up my smile before I head back to the table. Eva catches my eyes and I shake my head slightly, looking away before I can see her disappointment.
A few people have filtered out while I was in the hallway, alone. Nick and Nancy are giving big hugs all around and exchanging their hotmail accounts with everyone as I mutter under my breath.
“Not happening. He’s gone. Let’s just enjoy tonight.”
She squeezes my hand under the table but nods before turning to the happy couple.
Nancy’s hug is solid and my smile is genuine by the time they’ve left the bar.
“They were sweet,” Eva says as Thomas scoots down the table to join our conversation.
“I liked them. I hope I’m that cool in my sixties,” I agree.
“I still feel awful that I didn’t get to teach you,” Juliette frowns, picking at the label on her beer bottle. “Now that you’re both certified, you should come on some fun dives!”
I’d noticed she stopped drinking after Steven showed up.
I wonder what he’s like as a boss—is he a strict disciplinarian?
Does he believe in corporal punishment? I have a feeling those hands could deliver the sweetest spankings but now I’ll never know.
It’s also absolutely not something I want to think about in public.
“Yeah, we’re going to Bounty Wreck on Friday. Have you ever seen a pygmy seahorse?” Mason leans in.
Eva and I shake our heads and the three of them groan. Juliette pulls out her phone.
Thomas’s eyes light up. “They’re really hard to spot, but so fricking cute. There’s also sea moths and slugs that look like aliens. I don’t dive much, but the photos they bring back are insane.”
Juliette turns the screen and we dissolve into cuteness-overload noises. The adorable creature is white with pink dots and a mouth puckered up into a tiny pout. Just looking at it fills my chest with warmth.
“You’re telling me these are real? God, I’d love nothing more than to dive every day for the rest of my life.” I sigh.
“It’s addicting,” Mason nods.
“It’s too bad we’re leaving tomorrow.” Eva’s face falls, then quickly breaks out in a smile. “But I do kind of miss my bed.”
God, I don’t feel like that at all. Nothing in Eastern Pines feels like home to me anymore.
The conversation flows around me and I try to stay focused, but the reminder feels like a cloud over my head.
Tomorrow morning we’ll take a ferry back to the mainland and then drive to the airport for our 8 PM flight.
I’m not ready to go. I’ve finally seen glimmers of the person I could be. The different paths my life could take.
I never thought I’d end up in my hometown forever.
I want babies and the whole shebang. A partner I can trust. A life I can be proud of.
I just don’t know what that looks like for me.
Latching onto David and his goals, letting him set the pace of our relationship—it was easier than risking failure on my own.
I’m grateful for Grandma Frannie’s house, but it doesn’t feel like mine. I know she wouldn’t want her legacy to be a burden, but where does that leave me? Where would I go?
The conversation moves on while I’m lost in my thoughts. Eva and the volunteers are gushing about their travel experiences.
Thomas has been at the sanctuary the longest at almost four months. He finished his masters in marine biology almost a year ago and spent four months working with sea turtles in the Florida Keys and the Maldives before coming here. He seems to be a fountain of knowledge and fun facts.
Juliette and Mason both flew to Gili Telu for their Instructor internships.
They have a few weeks left in the three month program before they’ll be certified teachers and can work in the industry.
Mason has dreams of opening his own dive shop some day, but Juliette just shrugs when asked about the future.
“Victoria is in the sanctuary volunteer program too,” Thomas gestures toward a woman deep in conversation with Mike. She’s very pretty with dark hair cut in a sharp line above her shoulders. “But I think before this, she was traveling through India. She’s on a gap year or something.”
My heart squeezes at the reminder of Grandma Frannie’s stories.
“I wish I could get more time off work.” Eva signals for another beer. “I try to go abroad once or twice a year, but city and country-hopping for a few days isn’t the same thing as really getting to explore one place for months. But who can afford that?”
“That’s why I started volunteering,” Mason says. “You can trade labor for room and board all over the world. I get to travel, try new things, and meet other people who care about the sharing economy. It’s pretty sweet.”
“What sort of work do you do?” I ask.
“I’ve walked dogs at an animal shelter, some light handyman stuff at a school in the middle of nowhere, I even ran a karaoke night and a pub crawl at a hostel for a free place to sleep.
Honestly, that one was the most work. I had to run their social media too and it was exhausting.
No one here seems to want to do it either, we all just take turns half-assing it, so we’re struggling to get more volunteers. ”
“Ugh, no. I don’t like to film everything. I just want to be in the moment.” Juliette moves her hands through the air as if she could physically push the thought away.
“Me either. I’ve never had an online presence. I’m no good at it,” Thomas says.
I frown. “I run the social media accounts where I work. It’s nothing crazy, mostly just graphics and some short skits, but people seem to like it.
” I don’t mention the viral TikTok that brought in our first celebrity client.
My bosses had seen the value in “all my little videos” then, but they didn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t wave my hands and get another million views.
Juliette squeezes my upper arm. “You should join us! I know Mike’s been searching for a social media guru. It’s only a four week commitment to become a volunteer, and you would get to dive all the time!”
“Seriously. And you’d be here for turtle hatching season, so you could join us on night watches!” Mason says.
“And you could come on eco-dives. It’s a pretty chill group and if you like data, we keep numbers on everything out here. It’s fascinating,” Thomas adds.
Their passion stirs something in my chest. I turn to Eva and she looks wistful, but unconvinced. But she isn’t the one who just watched her life implode. I have nothing waiting for me back in Eastern Pines. I can almost hear Grannie telling me to take the leap.
After two weeks in Indonesia, and especially since finding that turtle on the beach, I’m starting to realize the painful truth—my heart isn’t broken because I lost David. It shattered when I realized how much time I’ve wasted living a life that doesn’t feel like me. Grannie saw right through me.
These past few days have felt like living out a childhood dream. Don’t all kids have a marine biologist phase? In another universe, that was the path I took.
There are also versions of me who dreamed of being an artist, a rockstar, a paleontologist. I want to explore all the parts of myself. The dreams I let go of. The interests I grew out of. The feelings I shoved down because they were impractical or inconvenient.
On this island, with these people, is the first time I feel like I’m not just coasting along. I want to get more involved in my life. I want to clean up trash on the beach. I want to see the baby turtles hatch. I want to watch Jimmy’s recovery and help release him back into the ocean.
I don’t want to go back to Grannie’s empty house. I don’t want to sit behind my desk at work and let all of this start to fade away like a dream. This feels meaningful. It feels right.
I’m not ready to let it go.
I can’t pretend that Steven doesn’t cross my mind for a moment or two, but the opportunity to see him again has nothing to do with the buzzing in my chest. He can keep his strong arms and his honey brown eyes all to himself.
“I don’t know, maybe I could.” I play it cool even though my heart is pounding with promise. The volunteers light up and Eva turns toward me with an inscrutable face.
“Let me see if I can change my ticket,” I say, as if this is something I do all the time.
Juliette’s excitement nearly overwhelms me as she hops on the spot. “Oh, it would be so wonderful if you stayed! We don’t have nearly enough women here.”
“Who do I talk to about the volunteer program?” I ask, avoiding Eva’s eyes. I can’t tell how she feels about the idea, but I know that I don’t want to be talked out of it. She’s my only connection to home out here. Once she leaves, I can be anyone I want to be.
I can figure out who I am and what I really want.
“Mike approves all the applications. We just have to wrestle him away from Victoria!”
I let myself be dragged through the bar, feeling the sand sink beneath my sneakers, taking deep, restorative breaths. I might be a bad friend, leaving Eva to fly home by herself, but other than that, I feel no guilt. This is right.
Work won’t miss me, and if they do, I’ll just quit. I have my savings. The inheritance. The house will be fine sitting empty for a few more weeks.
What’s four weeks in the grand scheme of a whole life? This will be a memory I’ll carry until the day I die. Something to tell my grandkids about. I owe it to myself to see this through.
Mike is thrilled by the idea. The British volunteer, Victoria, welcomes me to the crew. This is really happening. I’m going to save the turtles.
Steven and I will just have to stay out of each other’s way for the next month.