Chapter 21 #2
I rest my head on his shoulder, careful not to clunk our helmets like I’ve done several times already.
I thought I might recognize some of the rice fields and shops zooming by, but it all sort of blends together.
When I was here with Eva, we were rushing through everything just to keep my mind occupied.
It’s so different from the calm I feel now, I nearly laugh out loud.
It’s only midday when we arrive outside the immigration office in Ubud, but I’m wiped out. Between the boat, the sun, and the wind, I feel like we’ve been awake for days.
The appointment goes by in a blink and then we’re free.
Steven was the one to suggest we take a day to ourselves and make the trip to Ubud instead of the nearer facility on Lombok.
I’d told him about the busy tour-hopping of my last visit and he insisted on showing me around. I can finally slow down with him.
It’s mindblowing how much has changed in my heart since arriving in Indonesia. Every moment away from home has challenged my perspective and helped me grow in ways I never expected.
As we zig and zag through the streets of Ubud, passing art stalls and yoga studios, restaurants and trendy clothing shops, I feel like an entirely new person. Steven leads us out of town, stopping in the street to let a mama monkey pass, her baby strapped to her chest with a tight hug.
I squeeze Steven’s waist, cooing at the sweet family.
“They remind me of us,” he says, turning to look at me through his visor.
“Aww.” I purse my lips. “I thought the same thing about those two.”
I point out a pair of monkeys in the tree line going at each other like they’re starring on the Discovery channel. Steven howls as we take off, leaving the family of misfit monkeys behind.
When he finally pulls off the road, it’s like we’ve been swallowed by the jungle. The heat is oppressive, sticking to my skin. My hair is already sweaty from the helmet and I ache for the sea breeze I’ve grown so used to.
But the grin on Steven’s face is a jolt of adrenaline. He loves showing me the hidden gems he’s uncovered, as if he wants me to understand why he fell in love with this country. It’s almost like he’s trying to convince me to stay. The thought makes me tingly all over.
“It’s the perfect day for it. Make sure to drink a lot of water.” The way he fusses over me makes my chest warm and I have to fight back a smile.
I obediently take a swig from one of the giant bottles he bought at the Alfamart and we approach the trail head—just a small gap in the trees. There’s no ticket booth, no sign, and the parking lot is more of a dirt clearing.
“You haven’t been to this waterfall yet, right?” he asks.
“No,” I snort. “How do you even know there’s one here?”
“A friend told me about it.” He smiles and adjusts the straps on his bag as we fall into a comfortable pace. Of course someone told Steven about a secret waterfall. When he isn’t being grumpy and standoffish, he has the kind of magnetism that makes you want to trust him. No one is immune.
“I’ve seen a lot of waterfalls on this trip, but I don’t think I could ever get sick of them.”
“Good, because this one is really special.”
Almost an hour later, sweaty and breathing hard but in high spirits, we emerge from the bush beneath a rocky outcrop.
We’ve been following the river and a slowly growing roar, but I’m blown away by the reveal of a massive waterfall.
Cool, refreshing air blasts our faces as I take in the glistening crystal pool.
My jaw drops. Steven’s watching me, as always.
“It’s huge and it’s empty,” I shout, spreading my arms wide and enjoying the spray of water droplets on my hot skin. I’ve seen other beautiful waterfalls on my trip, but they were full of tourists, photographers, and lines of people waiting for the perfect shot.
“Can we go in?” I ask, pulling off my shoes to dip my toes in the clear, blue pool surrounding the falls.
“Of course,” he nods, stepping out of his flip flops. “I didn’t bring my swimmers. Thought since we weren’t on the island…”
I haven’t brought my bathing suit either, but there’s no way I’m passing up the opportunity to touch this powerful natural phenomenon.
“Does this place usually get busier?” I ask, raising one eyebrow.
“It’s always been empty when I’ve been here.” He holds my gaze with a smirk.
“Great!” I pull my shirt over my head, unhooking my bra and tossing it onto my bag. He matches me, then pulls me by my belt loops and crouches down. He kisses beneath my belly button, making me squirm before he pulls my shorts down.
When he catches my gaze, his face is inches from my underwear and my aching core beneath. “Step out,” he says, and it takes a moment for my mind to get out of the gutter and register the words.
I lift my ankles one at a time as he removes my shorts, drawing out the moment before he lays me bare. The sun is shining through the canopy of trees, but between the cool air and the anticipation, my nipples are hard as rocks.
He finally hooks a finger into each side and slowly drags my panties off. He’s so close, I can feel his hot breath on my thighs, making me tremble. I grow taut with expectation, my body tingling and tense, until I’m completely naked and his eyes are raking over me like hot coals.
In one motion, he stands, picks me up, then throws me bodily into the pool. Cold water splashes, jabbing like pins and needles and washing all traces of horniness from my mind.
I resurface with a gasp, wipe the water from my eyes, and struggle to look stern while I fight back the laughter that has me in a chokehold.
Before I can muster any words, Steven’s naked and diving in beside me. He takes me into his warm arms and even though he just threw me in, my legs instinctively wrap around his waist and I cuddle up to him for warmth.
“Asshole,” I whisper, pressing my lips to his neck.
“It was that, or we’d never make it into the water.”
I splash him and pull away, swimming toward the waterfall. He laughs and follows, perfect breaststrokes making him look so graceful. I love watching him like this, naked and free, so different from when we’re loaded down in gear on the dive boat. He cuts through the clear blue like it isn’t there.
“Have you ever been skinny dipping before?”
“No,” I flush. “You?”
“Never with someone so beautiful. Another one for the bucket list?”
“Absolutely.” I don’t think all of my goosebumps are from the cold. He makes me feel so seen.
As we approach the falls, the water pummels the rocks in a deafening roar. All thoughts of his cut body are drowned out by the sheer awesomeness of the natural wonder. I squint my eyes against the blast as the hair on my arms stands up, dusted with tiny drops like dew.
“Can I touch it?” I turn and yell to Steven over the noise. I’ve seen people posing beneath waterfalls for pictures and didn’t get the appeal, but suddenly I can’t think of anything better than standing beneath that awesome power.
He steps closer, his warm body flush against mine as he leans into my ear. He still has to raise his voice to be heard. “Just be careful. The water is strong and the rocks are slippery.”
I nod and his grip tightens around my bicep before he watches me shuffle around the rocks to come up on the edge of the powerful surge.
The wind blasts my hair around in wispy smacks against my face and shoulders.
The sound drives out all other thoughts.
I reach out and I’m shocked when the force of the water drops my hand instantly.
I have to put a little strength into raising my arm and keeping it steady.
Through the part I’ve made in the water, I can see Steven watching.
I step through the hole I’ve made and the full force of the water cascades down onto my head and shoulders.
It lands like boulders, nearly crushing the air from my chest and buckling my knees, but I adjust my stance and stand tall.
I fill my lungs with air and let the water massage my naked body.
I’m cold down to my bones and the chill somehow leaves me feeling cleansed and new.
I step out of the falls and blink the water from my eyes.
After being submerged, everything feels muted.
Steven holds out his arms and I fall into them, swirling through the water as he tries to warm me up.
There’s a pleasant muffled feeling in my head and I love the way he cradles me to his body, skin against skin.
As we reach the water’s edge, Steven finds a warm rock to sit on, and I’m lost in my thoughts.
It’s finally sinking in that I have to leave soon.
Things haven’t been the same since Mason and Juliette left—their absence seems to poke at the wound.
Despite just getting my visa extended, the time we have left together is dwindling like sand in an hourglass.
I can’t drown in this discomfort and uncertainty on my own anymore.
I sit up, determined to face it head-on.
“Steven, I think I might come back here. To Gili Telu. To the sanctuary. I have to go home when my volunteer commitment ends, but I want to come back.”
My heart is in my throat. Every swallow is painful as I blink at him, waiting to hear his thoughts.
When his face doesn’t immediately erupt into excitement, my stomach drops.
“That would be great,” he finally says with a slow smile. “Everyone would love to have you back.”
That little word “love” seems to prick me like a needle. It’s too soon for either of us to be feeling that for each other, I know that. So why am I so disappointed?
“And how would you feel?” I ask, needing to hear the words. I thought we were on the same page but I’m suddenly wondering if I’ve overstepped. Has he only been so sweet and romantic because he knew it was always leading toward a clean, quick ending?
“Obviously I’d love to have you back too.” His smile seems genuine, if a little tight. “There’s always room for you in my hammock.” He winks.
A knot of tension uncoils in my belly, though I can tell he’s holding something back.
Standing under the waterfall, I’d felt something shift inside me.
The way forward had suddenly seemed so clear.
I’m trying to shed the weight of a lifetime of always doing what I’m told—but his reactions aren’t what I expected and I’m suddenly unsure.
“I’ll need to go home and let everyone know I’m alive.
I need to figure out something to do with the house and my things.
I’ve really enjoyed running the accounts for the sanctuary and I think I could find a way to spin that experience into some remote work so that I’m not relying so heavily on my savings. ”
I’m word-vomiting now. I’ve been running over all the possibilities the last few weeks, my mind on a little hamster wheel of choices.
I’m starting to understand how I settled for so long—free will is exhausting.
Sometimes I wish someone would step in and tell me how to do it, how to live my life for maximum happiness and minimal regret. I’ve already wasted so much time.
But I’ve chosen him. I’ve chosen to come back. And even though his words are welcoming, the sad smile and the distance in his eyes seems to be saying something else.
“I’m not a hundred percent sure what the next steps are, or how long I’ll have to be back in the States, but I could definitely—maybe come back.
” I wince as I blurt out that word—maybe.
I chickened out. I watered down my momentous decision into a mere possibility.
I thought I’d changed so much these past few weeks, but when it comes down to it, I’m still too afraid to jump in with both feet. I’m still running away from risk.
“That would be amazing,” he says, oblivious to my last minute hedging. “That would be a really big change for you. What would your family think?”
“Probably that I’ve lost my mind,” I laugh. It breaks up some of the tension. “I didn’t really tell them the details about David before I left. I just wasn’t ready to explain myself to everyone—I just wanted to get away.”
“It sounds like you’ve got a lot of loose ends back home. A lot of people waiting who love you.”
“Yeah,” I say, feeling a little defensive. “But nothing I can’t handle. What about all the people who miss you?”
He stiffens a little. I regret my words instantly, not liking the change in him.
“Aye, I haven’t seen my family in a while either. That’s why I know how hard it can be to leave. It’s much harder than staying gone.”
“Are you saying I shouldn’t go back?” My head whirls to face him, looking deep into his eyes for the answer. Is he asking me to stay permanently?
“No, of course not. You’ve got things to take care of. You can’t just run away. When I left, I was prepared to sail around the world for a year or more. I don’t have a lot of strings tying me back there. Or anywhere, really. It’s good that you’ve got roots.”
“Right,” I say, finding his hand and lacing our fingers together.
Why does it feel like we’re talking past each other?
Does he want me to stay? Is he telling me to go?
His thumb rubs against my hand, warming me up.
My nakedness suddenly feels like too much vulnerability.
I stand up. “Should we get dressed and head back to the hotel? Or was there something else you wanted to show me today?”
“We can head back.” His arm grazes mine as he pulls on his shorts, but there’s none of the usual sizzle of heat. “I’d love to grab a shower before dinner.”
I’m suddenly exhausted. My body is heavy, aching where the water pummeled me, and my heart feels drained and empty too. The long walk and ride back are too quiet. My arms are wrapped around him, my chest flush against his back, but he feels a million miles away.