All Roads Lead Home #3
We drive past streets that I remember like an old movie.
All have quaint Christmas decorations, and everything feels so comforting.
There’s one house on the corner of Oak that is completely decked out with multicolor lights, a twelve-foot blow-up Santa Claus, and nine inflatable reindeer on the front lawn.
“Are you kidding?!” I beam, remembering that I always loved seeing this house decorated as a kid. “They still go all out for Christmas?”
“Every year,” Ryan confirms.
“That’s awesome.” I admire the view in passing. I find myself wondering how my life would have turned out if I’d stayed.
“How does it feel being back?” Ryan lowers the volume on “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”
“Well, on one hand it feels like I’m taking a step backward,” I say, but then hear how it sounds. “I’m sorry, that sounds awful—”
“No,” Ryan says. “I get it. That’s how I felt when I came back after college. I went to Columbia, and I felt like I was a failure or something coming back to Beacon. Like this is the place that people work so hard to leave, so why would I come back?”
“Why did you come back?” I ask.
“I like it here.” He shrugs a shoulder. “I was able to afford a house before the town got popular… Everyone and their mother is starting to move up here from the city for the Upstate New York vibe,” he says, and I giggle.
“But I don’t know, there’s something special about Beacon.
Maybe I’m just holding on to certain memories.
” Ryan’s eyes briefly land on me and then look away when I notice.
I don’t ask what memories he’s referring to… but I have a feeling they’re shared ones.
“I never realized how pretty everything is.” I look out the window.
Ryan slows down once we turn onto my old street. I see my childhood home up ahead, and my heart feels warm for so many different reasons. The red brick, green shutters, and white window trim are exactly how I remember them. There are two cars in the driveway and a light on in the living room.
Ryan turns off the car. “Here we are.”
I give him a nervous smile and notice his hands gripping the wheel. “Thanks again for the ride, Ryan.” Even though I’m not ready to leave, I must. I reach for the door handle when I feel Ryan’s hand on my arm.
“Look, can I just say something?” Ryan’s touch begs me to stay.
“It’s going to sound stupid because I know we were just kids, but I always felt like if you never moved maybe we could’ve…
” He drags his hand through his hair and lets out a heavy sigh.
“I always had feelings for you, Elle. And I think about that night a lot… the night we almost kissed.”
My breath staggers and the car suddenly feels much smaller than it is. Ryan pauses and looks out the window, like he’s looking for an answer. The Ryan I know, who grew into a man big enough to protect me from anything, looks helpless right now.
“I don’t just think about the kiss; I think about you,” he continues.
“Whenever I cross that bridge we used to play under or if a certain song comes on. I know there’s no point in me saying it now, but I just didn’t want another ten years or even our whole lives to go past us without me telling you,” he says, and his eyes stay locked on me like he wants to say more but just doesn’t know how.
“I used to think if I’d told you when we were younger, you would’ve stayed—which I know doesn’t make sense, but I just wish you knew.
And you coming here out of nowhere, into my shop, felt like a sign, you know? ”
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way.
God, of course I feel the same way. Ryan Mills was my whole entire world.
It devastated me to move away from him. I’ve thought about him over the years.
When I had my first kiss, I closed my eyes and thought what it would be like to kiss Ryan instead.
The first time I had sex, I wondered afterward if he’d experienced the same firsts that I did.
He wasn’t consuming my thoughts, and the memory of him eventually faded, but I did miss him, and I did have feelings for him. I think maybe I still do.
“I…” I stumble, not sure what to say. “I felt the same way, Ryan.”
His gaze snaps up to mine, a glint in his eyes. “Really?”
“Of course I did.” I let out a soft laugh. “You weren’t just my best friend… You were everything to me.” I feel a release saying it out loud. Like it’s a secret I held all these years.
“What happened to us?” He looks at me, his eyes bigger than I’ve ever seen them before.
“I don’t know.” I look down. For the first month or so after I moved, Ryan and I talked on the phone and texted as much as we could. Until one day we didn’t. “I guess life,” I say softly.
“I should’ve tried harder, Elle,” Ryan says, a pang of regret in his voice.
“What?” I rear back. “Ryan, we both know it wasn’t just you. I mean, I was in a different state! We were both starting college, and we were seventeen… It would’ve been impossible.”
Ryan’s jaw muscle tenses. “Do you think we would’ve… been something if you’d stayed?”
“I’m positive,” I say, and he lets out a low hum. “We could’ve gone to the same college,” I muse.
The corners of Ryan’s mouth curl up into a smile. “We would’ve lived in the city. Gotten a tiny studio apartment.”
“I would be able to have your mom’s fettucine alfredo every Saturday.” My eyes go wide at the memory of Mrs. Mills always cooking.
“We could’ve seen the new Star Wars together.”
“I thought of you when it came out!” I turn in my seat. “What did you think?!”
“I loved it,” he says. “The second movie, not so much.”
“Oh, hard disagree. I loved The Last Jedi.”
A puff of air escapes from his nose. “You would.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I gape.
“This coming from the same person who thinks Problem Child 2 is better than the original.”
“It is!” I laugh, not believing we’re actually having this conversation again. Ryan shakes his head, and we let a moment of silence linger between the two of us. “You would’ve been my first kiss,” I say just loud enough for him to hear me.
“I always regretted not kissing you, Elle.”
My stomach flutters. I swallow and my extremities become warm despite the snow outside. “Why didn’t you?” I hear myself asking.
He sighs. “I didn’t know what I felt for you. I just knew it was confusing. You were my best friend, but you were also so much more… and it wasn’t until you were gone that I realized I should have.”
I understand what he means. Your teens are a rare and confusing time. I know people who have difficulties expressing their feelings at our age. It’s scary to tell someone how you feel about them… no matter how old you are.
My teeth scrape my bottom lip. “Would it be crazy if you kissed me—finally?” I smirk.
Ryan’s gaze sticks to me. His throat bobs, and he takes a deep inhale.
His tongue quickly wets his lips as he stares at mine.
I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way, to feel like you’re losing air supply but at the same time feeling so protected, so safe, like your whole life has been leading up to this very moment.
Slowly, Ryan’s hand gently cups my jaw. We both tremble slightly at the touch.
His thumb grazes my skin and lingers on my lip.
The taste of him makes me shut my eyes. A simple touch shouldn’t feel this good.
It’s not possible. He moves in closer until I have no sense of space or time, I just know that he’s in front of me, the smell of peppermint and pine filling my senses.
“Elle,” he rasps. His voice is low, even deeper than normal. “Can I kiss you?”
“Please,” I whisper.
He leans in, and before I know it, our lips are touching.
It’s not awkward or unfamiliar. Quite the opposite.
I let out an embarrassing moan, to which I feel Ryan’s mouth curve upward.
He kisses me deeper, and I instinctively arch my back.
His tongue asks permission to enter my mouth, which I enthusiastically accept.
I don’t know what to focus on—the fact that he softly bites my lower lip, or that he’s gently massaging my earlobe between his thumb and his knuckle.
“Ryan, don’t…” I breathe out in between kisses. “Stop…”
He pulls away with a deep inhale.
“Sorry,” he grunts.
“No.” I grip his collar. “I said don’t stop.”
I pull him back in, and now the two of us can’t control our sounds. We’re back to being two teenagers who have never touched another human being before. It’s like we’re making up for lost time. I feel giddy around him, but I also feel more sexy, confident, and sure of myself than I ever have.
We explore each other the best that we can in this space.
I don’t want this to end. Kissing him alone I think I could do for hours.
I feel drunk off the way his hands squeeze my hips and the low gruff that comes from him when I let out the faintest moan.
Everything feels electric, and I can’t believe we haven’t been doing this our whole lives.
My hands reach underneath his jacket, desperate to feel his skin, but Ryan stops me.
“Wait,” he huffs.
“What?” I look up at him.
“Not like this,” he says, a strain in his voice.
I inhale and look around us. My childhood home is just up the street, and it’s 7:20 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
“You’re right.” I sigh.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, Elle.” Ryan holds my hand. “Fuck, I want to. More than you know…”
“No, I know,” I say, my fingers intertwining with his and the fog in my head beginning to clear.
“I just, uh, I don’t know, Elle. It was really hard to say goodbye to you, and I’m afraid if we do something we can’t take back…” He wipes a palm over his face. “I wouldn’t know how to get over it this time.”