Is It New Year’s Yet? #2
However, something had seemed to shift between them these last couple of years.
Their hugs lasted longer, their gazes seemed to linger, and there were little touches that left her skin feeling like she was on fire.
What was worse was her friends noticed it, too, and kept telling her to just go for it, but they didn’t understand how messy it was.
If Win and Ben dated and broke up, what would happen with their families and to Bria?
Their moms often joked about Win and Ben ending up together, but it always felt like so much pressure.
Win remembered when she was looking for a date to senior prom and her mom and Mrs. Jackson recommended Ben take her, right in front of Ben.
Win was horrified and embarrassed. Of course, she would’ve been thrilled to have Ben take her, but not as some kind of favor to their parents.
To make matters worse, Bria had already told Win she planned to get them hotel rooms for after the prom, less because she wanted to sleep with her boyfriend but more to be totally cliché like the old teen soap dramas they watched on Netflix.
It didn’t take more than a glance at Bria, who was also present for the conversation, to know she absolutely did not want her big brother intruding on their prom night plans.
Needless to say, Win politely shut down the idea and ultimately ended up going with Bria’s boyfriend’s cousin. Anyway, the point was if Win and Ben dated it would be complicated, and Win hated being a complication.
So she’d tried to bury her feelings. She’d dated other people and put space between her and Ben. Until the New Year’s Eve party last year.
The theme was “New Year, New You,” in which partygoers were supposed to somehow come as their New Year’s resolution.
It was a needlessly complicated theme, and Win was sure that was why the Jacksons had gone for something much simpler this year.
Still, Win had risen to the occasion and found a lime-green dress and shoes with tennis balls on the toes, and decided her resolution was to get a new hobby and that hobby would be tennis.
She never had gotten that tennis racket out of her closet, come to think of it.
Ben had come dressed in the quintessential finance bro fit of khakis and a Patagonia vest that made him look ridiculous. She assumed his resolution had something to do with being promoted at his finance job, but she’d never gotten around to asking.
She’d thought she’d done a good job of dodging him at the party until he’d pulled her into his room and asked her what was going on.
“Nothing,” she’d said.
“You’re avoiding me,” he’d said. It wasn’t a question.
“I’m not—”
“Win, you think I can’t tell when you’re lying?” he’d asked.
They’d faced off in his room, a place Win had been a thousand times, but it suddenly felt different. More intimate. Too tempting. Risky.
“We should head back downstairs before someone comes looking for us,” she’d said instead of answering.
She’d made to walk around him, but he’d grabbed her wrist, stilling her.
“Talk to me, Win,” Ben had said, his voice almost pained. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
Win hadn’t wanted to look at him, because she knew what would happen if she did.
It was the touch of his hand on her bare skin that had been too much.
She had liked it too much, and she desperately wanted more.
Suddenly, all her fears about wrecking their friendship and making things weird for their families vanished.
All she could think about was how it would feel to let her worries disappear and go after what she wanted, for once. So she did.
Turning, she’d pressed herself into him, wrapped a hand around his neck, and tugged him down until his mouth met hers.
It was the most daring thing she’d ever done, and when he didn’t move, she instantly regretted it.
But then his hands were on her waist, pulling her even closer, and he returned the kiss, deepening it until Win moaned.
Ben walked them back until she was pressed against the door of his room, and he groaned as she tugged on his bottom lip with her teeth. She wanted more of him. All of him. Her hands smoothed down his chest as his mouth went to her neck, but when she touched his belt buckle, Ben froze.
“Wait, stop.”
His breath was hot against her skin as he pulled back, and Win almost whimpered at the loss of contact.
“What’s wrong?” she’d asked.
“I can’t… I can’t do this,” Ben had said.
He removed his hands from her body and took one step then two away from her. Ben was looking everywhere but at her face, and she wanted to shake him or pull him back to her. She wanted to go back to a minute ago, when she believed she could have everything she wanted, consequences be damned.
“Why?” she’d finally asked.
“I’m seeing someone,” he’d said.
At least he had the decency to meet her eyes when he said it, but it didn’t make the words hurt any less.
“What?” Surely she’d misheard. Win knew everyone Ben dated, or, at the very least, she knew about them, whether she’d wanted to or not. Sure, they hadn’t talked much lately, but he would’ve mentioned if he was seeing someone.
“It’s only been a couple months,” Ben had said. “But I can’t… I can’t do this with you while I’m trying to see what’s possible with them. It’s not right.”
Win couldn’t hear any more. Maybe it was cowardly, but she turned away from Ben and ran out the door even as he called after her.
Win was sure she looked a mess, so she hid in Bria’s room until Bria eventually found her.
Win had pretended she wasn’t feeling well, and Bria stayed with her the rest of the night, watching movies and counting down to midnight on their own.
It wasn’t until Ben finally stopped trying to contact Win that she found the courage to ask Bria if her brother was seeing someone. When Bria had said no, Win was hardly surprised. Of course Ben had lied to protect her feelings, but it only made her feel worse.
Now, as they once again found themselves staring each other down, Win found that she was tired of hiding.
She’d spent the last year keeping what happened between them a secret, and what had that gotten her?
She ended up distancing herself from the Jacksons and lying to her parents over and over again about why she didn’t want to go with them to the Jacksons’ parties.
It also meant she’d spent less time with her own family too.
Despite doing all of that, the truth was, she realized nothing had changed.
Seeing Ben now, she still wanted him so much it almost hurt, and she was sure, even if it was just for a second, that he had wanted her, too, that night.
So she had to know why he lied. She had to know if there was really no way he could ever love her the way she loved him.
Otherwise, she’d never fully move on, and she had to move on.
“Bria told me you didn’t have a girlfriend,” Win said, breaking the silence.
Ben blinked up in surprise. “What?”
“Last year,” Win said. “Or, I guess, technically, it was early this year. After the party. I asked her if you were seeing anyone and she said you weren’t.”
Ben’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to find the words.
“Why did you lie?” Win asked, tired of waiting.
“I didn’t lie,” he said.
Win let out a harsh laugh and crossed her arms. “So you didn’t make up some girlfriend to get me to stop kissing you?”
“No,” Ben said.
“Ben—”
“I said I was seeing someone,” Ben cut in. “And I was.” He let out a long exhale. “A guy. I was seeing a guy.” He sat back down on the weight bench, elbows on his knees again, his chin resting on his clasped hands as if in prayer.
Win stood frozen for a moment before joining him.
She wasn’t sure what to say, and she felt like she should know what to say.
She was queer herself. So was Bria. In fact, statistically speaking, it made total sense that Ben would be queer, too, and yet she still felt shocked, and she hated that she felt that way.
It had never occurred to her that Ben wasn’t straight, and she knew it was because of all the stereotypical reasons. He was masculine; he’d played sports throughout high school; he was a Knicks, Giants, and Mets fan; and he’d only ever dated women.
Except, obviously, that wasn’t true.
“I’m sorry,” Win finally said. “I shouldn’t have assumed. That was stupid of me.”
Ben shrugged. “It was probably stupid of me not to just tell you the truth.”
“It wasn’t,” Win said. She turned to face him, and when he didn’t look at her, she took off her wristlet, covered his hands with hers, and gave them a little squeeze.
“You weren’t ready to tell me then,” Win said.
“You shouldn’t have told me just to…” Her voice trailed off as she struggled to finish the sentence.
“Just so I wouldn’t feel bad,” Win said finally.
“Besides, I don’t think knowing the truth would’ve changed anything for me, honestly.
I still would’ve been disappointed you were with someone that wasn’t me. ”
The words hurt to say, but if they were being honest with each other now, Win didn’t want to hold back. Not anymore.
“I wanted to tell you,” Ben said, looking up at her. “If I was going to tell anyone, it was always going to be you, but you weren’t just my friend anymore, Win. You were becoming more than that to me.”
Win knew what she’d felt between them wasn’t one-sided, but hearing Ben confirm it surprised her as much as it relieved her to know it was real.
“I kept trying to dismiss the feelings,” Ben continued.
“I knew if we dated and our families found out, they’d make a huge deal out of it and it would change things for all of us, especially if it didn’t work out.
Plus, I didn’t know how you felt, and I thought the smart thing to do was to just move on. That’s when I started dating Teddy.”
“Teddy?”
Ben shook his head. “Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not,” Win said, though the corners of her mouth quirked up.
“Win,” Ben said.