Chapter 26 Sabine
SABINE
The sky begins to lighten along the eastern horizon when I wake with a stiff neck and Jace's arm draped across my shoulders.
We slept in the truck after the confession and the kiss and the promise to stay together, and now the cold has seeped through into the truck until my breath fogs in the air.
It's almost Christmas, just a few days left, and this year, it feels so far away from reality that I almost can't believe it.
There’s no holiday magic or festive spirit.
Only the heavy knowledge of what I have to do.
I can't keep running. The only way to get my evidence to the people who can do something about it is to turn myself in and let them decide my fate.
If I tell Jace that, he'll get angry because of my tantrum about being pushed away last night. But it's the way forward.
I have to go to Defense and turn myself and my evidence over to them, and they'll decide whether I'm guilty or not.
Best-case scenario is that they'll give me a slap on the wrist and strip my security clearance, maybe a demotion or some sort of punishment.
Worst-case scenario is a long, hard stint in Leavenworth far, far away from the man I've come to love more dearly than my own life.
The roadside park is empty except for us.
Jace drove us here last night after our discussion because it's safer than parking on a city street in plain sight.
I slip out quietly and move away from the truck until I find a spot behind a cluster of evergreens where I can relieve myself with some semblance of privacy.
The cold makes the process miserable, and by the time I finish my hands are numb despite being shoved deep in my jacket pockets.
Men have it so easy when it comes to urinating outside.
But I keep my grumbles to myself and try to keep myself as modest as possible.
A wooden bench sits near the edge of the park overlooking a small pond that has frozen solid, and I settle onto it with my burner phone clutched in my hands.
The number for my mother's cell phone is one of the few I have memorized. No one memorizes phone numbers anymore. We just program them into our phones and press a button when it’s time to call.
But I'm thankful her number has never changed and I dial it because I need to hear her voice.
"Hello?" She sounds wary, probably because she doesn’t recognize the number calling her at this hour.
"Mom, it's me—Sabine." My voice has a tremor in it, and I have to swallow hard to keep myself from crying.
She gasps after a second to catch up to what I'm saying. "Sabine? Oh, my God, where are you? Are you safe? The military has been calling asking if I've heard from you, and the news says you are wanted in connection with murders. Baby, what's happening?"
Tears burn behind my eyes and I blink them back furiously. "I'm safe right now, Mom. I'm with someone who's helping me, someone good. But I need you to know I didn’t do what they’re saying."
"Tell me, honey." My mom is a saint, and she always has been. Just hearing her voice makes me feel safer.
I take a deep breath and begin with Afghanistan, explaining the unauthorized mission and how Captain Bryan broke protocol to chase glory.
Mom listens without interrupting, though she mutters a few phrases of shock.
Then I tell her about the rape and how my own CO covered it up along with men who were supposed to protect me, and it feels like I'm swallowing glass.
It's painful to relive this all again and to tell someone so close to me, but I need her to know.
My mother's sobs interrupt my explanation, and I hear her trying to muffle the sound with her hand. "Baby, I'm so sorry that happened to you and that nobody protected you the way they should have. Why didn't you tell me? Why'd you keep this to yourself?"
"Because I didn’t want you to worry. I thought I could handle it on my own…
" I don’t know why I kept silent for so long.
If I'd have gone right to the medics they could’ve done a field rape test. I'd have nailed him right then and there, but I was ashamed.
And I believed him when he said he'd ruin my career.
"You didn’t do a thing to deserve that." Mom sounds ready to hurt someone. "Nothing you could've done justifies what that man did to you. He's a predator and a criminal, and he should be rotting in prison for what he's done."
"He will be." I wrap my free arm around myself and watch the sky continue to lighten. "I have evidence now. And I'm going to take him down, Mom. That's why I got into that system and took information that was classified. It was a risk but I can't let him win."
"Then why are the authorities calling you a murderer?" She sounds confused because I didn't explain anything about that part to her. She deserves the truth though.
"Because Jason hired the mob to kill everyone who could testify against him.
" I explain the contract and the hitman and how seven people from our unit died in what were staged to look like accidents or suicide.
"I didn’t kill anyone, Mom, but it looks like I'm connected to that.
But I have the proof to free myself. I promise. "
Mom is quiet for a long moment, processing everything I've told her. When she speaks again, she sounds sad and it makes my chest ache. "What will you do, baby?"
"I have to turn myself in." I sigh and let my shoulders drop even though I'm starting to shiver.
"They'll arrest you," she whimpers. "Baby, you can’t go to jail."
"I know, Mom." The reality of what I’m facing gets me choked up and a little afraid.
I find it difficult to breathe, but I try to stay positive for her.
"It's the only option I have left, though. Running forever isn’t sustainable, and staying silent means Bryan gets away with everything he's done.
I have to do this, Mom, to make sure those women get justice and that Bryan can never hurt anyone again. "
"You are the bravest person I know." I can hear her crying openly now. "You've always been so strong, so determined to do the right thing. I’m so proud of you, baby. I’m so incredibly proud of the woman you've become."
The tears I've been holding back spill down my cheeks, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. "But at least I'm not alone…"
Movement in my peripheral vision makes me turn my head, and I see Jace walking toward the bench with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets and his expression cautious.
He must've woken and come looking for me, and I realize he probably heard the last part of what I said.
I pat the bench beside me and gesture for him to sit, and he settles onto the cold wood without speaking.
"I am glad you have someone," Mom says and her tears are slowing now. "I was so worried about you. Does this man treat you well? Does he understand what you've been through?"
"He understands better than anyone." I reach over and take Jace's hand, lacing our fingers together as I look him in the eye. "He has his own demons to fight, but he chose to help me instead of following orders that would have destroyed me. I love him, Mom."
Jace's eyes widen slightly at my casual admission to my mother, and I see a mix of emotions cross his face too quickly for me to identify them all. He squeezes my hand and doesn’t pull away, and I take that as acceptance.
"Then I'm happy for you, my little Bean. You deserve love and happiness after everything you've been through."
"I'll miss Christmas," I tell her. The words come out thick with emotion, and I have to pause to collect myself.
"Christmas doesn’t matter," she says, and she sounds better now, calmer. "What matters is you, sweetheart. You're gonna do fine and you can come visit when it’s over."
"I hope so." The words are barely above a whisper. "I hope I get to come home."
"You will." My mother's voice carries absolute certainty. "You'll come home because you're strong and smart and you have evidence on your side. And I'll be here waiting."
The promise makes fresh tears spill down my cheeks, and I can’t speak for several seconds. "Thank you, Mom. Thank you for believing me and for standing by me even when the whole world says I'm a criminal."
"You are not a criminal. You're a survivor and a fighter, and nothing the military says changes my opinion of you. You are still the amazing, strong woman I raised. Don’t ever forget that."
We talk for a few more minutes about the family and what I'll be missing next week when they gather, and then we say goodbye with promises to stay in contact as much as possible during the coming weeks.
When I end the call, my hands are shaking and my face is wet with tears, and I feel hollowed out and raw.
Jace doesn’t speak immediately. He sits beside me on the bench with our hands still linked, his thumb brushing across my knuckles. But when he does speak, I find it soothing.
"You must really love your mother a lot."
"She's always been there for me." I wipe my face with my free hand and try to compose myself. "She never stopped believing in me, even when I made mistakes or failed at things."
"That's a rare gift." Jace looks out at the frozen pond, and I can see something distant in his eyes. "Having someone who believes in you unconditionally and supports you through everything. Most people never experience that."
The opening is there, so I take it carefully. "Do you talk to your parents? Are they still alive?"
His head drops and his eyes shut for a second like it's painful to even think about.
"They died when I was younger. Car accident on the highway coming back from a trip to visit family.
One moment they were there, and the next they were gone, and I ended up in the system until Barone found me and offered me a different life. "
"I'm sorry. That must have been incredibly difficult to deal with, especially as a child." I can't imagine the pain or shock of losing both parents at one time as a young child.
"It was a long time ago," he says dismissively, but I can hear the pain in his voice.
"I learned to survive without them and rely on myself instead of family.
The Mob became my family, and Barone became the closest thing I had to a father figure.
That's why betraying him feels so complicated, even though I know it's the right thing to do. "
I squeeze his hand and lean my head against his shoulder. "Well, that means you have to spend Christmas with me. You're not allowed to be alone during the holidays when you have someone who loves you and wants to be with you."
"Sabine…"
"Shh," I tell him, smiling. "Just do what I say and everything will work out.
" I keep the smile on my face until he looks back out at the pond and then I sigh and tuck into his chest. Because I don’t know if everything will work out.
I'm banking on a hope and a prayer, and two soldiers who may or may not come through for me.
If what I present to Defense doesn’t justify my misuse of those CRIP files, I'm going to jail for a long time. And I can't tell Jace yet that my plan is to walk right into SOCOM and turn myself in.