30. Big John - Clumsy Electrician
Chapter thirty
Big John - Clumsy Electrician
O ne of Edie’s favorite island hangouts was a neighborhood bar called Rookies. The locals called it ‘home base’ and it was frequented by some celebrities who wanted to be treated like regulars. Alan Jackson and several others who had homes on the island enjoyed their anonymity. She had planned to spend a quiet evening at home but her daughter called to invite her to Rookies for a burger and beer. They saved her a seat at the bar so she climbed on the stool next to a guy who totally ignored her presence. Fine by her. She wasn’t in any rush for a new guy after her experience with Jonathan or whatever the hell his name was.
The bartender Brett saved her seat while she played a quick dart game but when she came back, Big John was repositioning himself on his stool and spilled half his beer on her. “Hey lady, you just about spilled that beer on me! You need to pay attention and not cause such a ruckus!” He managed to act like it was her fault and she blew like a stick of dynamite. Anyone can have a mishap but he wasn’t willing to accept any responsibility for his clumsiness and she was pissed. She jumped off the stool and read him the riot act as he smirked at her enjoying her tantrum. After her best trucker verbiage hung between them, he swiveled his stool and stood overshadowing her by at least a foot and a half. She had no idea the guy was practically a giant. A silly smile overtook his mustached face as he grabbed her hand.
“Hey Missy, I’m Big John. Let’s discuss this on the dance floor.” She was so taken aback she didn’t even react. They assumed the position for a slow dance with the top of her head not even reaching his underarms. As things turned out, he offered to pay her dry-cleaning bill, bought her a drink and he could actually dance which is always a plus in her book.
Big John was an electrician and didn’t have a pot to piss in. He was cute in a clumsy sort of way like a Saint Bernard puppy with the driest sense of humor she’d ever heard. He told stupid dad jokes that she wouldn’t have laughed at if he had paid her. They didn’t enjoy any of the same activities but somehow, he was comfortable to be with. He loved to cook so they experimented with lots of new recipes and had fun acting silly in the kitchen. They found a few movies they could agree to watch together.
John didn’t like the water and one evening as they were eating dinner he said, “I was at Rookies a couple of nights ago and everybody was talking about some naked guy trying to cover himself with palm fronds, that was rescued off one of the outer islands. They were laughing like hell at the fate of this poor guy who got what he deserved.”
She almost choked on her oysters.
“I haven’t heard that story,” she lied. “What’s that about?”
“Well, you can’t make this stuff up, Edie,” he chuckled. “It seems two women living together here on the island were dating the same guy but neither of them knew it. One of them got suspicious and confirmed he was playing them both.”
“Really? That’s ballsy, don’t ya think?”
“Oh ya, but the best part is coming. One of the gals took him out on her wave runner or whatever they’re called with the promise of fun, food, and sex. She relieved him of his clothes and left him out there. Can you believe that?” he laughed.
She wanted to laugh her ass off but she kept her cool. “What the heck happened?” she asked.
“It wasn’t until the next morning before he found his way to the side of the island for a chance for someone to see him. He was badly sunburned…everywhere… and covered with mosquito bites.”
“That’s too bad but maybe he deserved it, at least from a woman’s point of view.”
“I’ll bet he learned his lesson after spending a couple of days in the hospital for sunburn, dehydration, and insect bites,” Big John said shaking his head and laughing.
She wanted to giggle. Instead, she said, “I guess women don’t like double-dipping of any kind.” Poor Jonathan Paul.
Big John and Edie drove to Key West a couple of times and he showed her around the most non-touristy places she would have never found by herself. He took her to some hole-in-the-wall bars that she would not have entered without a bodyguard but Big John was so friendly and LARGE it was no worry. They played darts, pool, and shuffleboard and she bought some touristy stuff to take back to her granddaughters. Easy-going, laid-back fun that allowed her to relax with no pretense, no pressure, just lots of laughs at his stupid unfunny jokes.
Big John was cozy like a warm blanket on a snowy night. Their relationship was one of friendship more than romantic. He was the closest she could imagine a brother might be. Not to say they didn’t want sex but after discussing the possibility and one evening of a failed attempt, they decided it would be best to keep to snuggling and an occasional kiss. She knew from the beginning that she could write happy stories about Big John to put in the Hope Chest but he was not husband material. He was as simple and honest as any man she’d ever known; no pick-up lines, no promises, no expectations, just a great guy to spend a comfortable evening with, enjoying a meal and watching a movie, sharing a few laughs and snuggles.
She was to see him one Friday night so she decided to surprise him with a bounty of seafood, his favorite. She bought fresh stone crab claws right off the boat, grouper fillets, and live oysters. She was prepared to make a feast she knew he would enjoy. He was always fashionably late which irritated her to no end but when an hour passed, she began to worry. He didn’t answer his phone and they had no mutual friends to account for him. It wasn’t until Sunday when she drove to Rookies, their favorite hangout, that she learned he had a massive heart attack at work on Friday. And just like that, Big John was gone but she’ll never forget the great times they spent together.
Big John, you were a lovely friend and I enjoyed every moment I spent with you. Your life was cut too short and I can only imagine how much your family misses you. Even after these many years, I remember you so vividly. May you be ever comforted in the arms of our Savior. Love, Edie.