Chapter 13 - Pattern Recognition #2
"Jane."
"Excellent nose."
"Please."
"Very nice legs."
Chloe dropped her face into one hand.
Jane stopped.
Looked at me.
Then at Chloe.
Then—
"Oh."
Fuck.
Chloe lifted her face slowly.
Jane looked down at herself again.
Then back at me.
I stared at her.
No one spoke.
Three seconds.
Four.
Then Jane started laughing.
Not awkward.
Not embarrassed.
Just—
laughing.
"Oh my God."
I covered my face.
"Can we not?"
Chloe finally lost it too.
"I told you. Understandable."
"YOU DID NOT TELL ME ANYTHING."
"I said interesting."
"That means nothing!"
"To you."
I stared at Chloe.
"Traitor."
Jane was still laughing.
"So I fit your type?"
I looked at her.
There were several possible answers.
Unfortunately, lying would be stupid.
"You fit a very broad set of aesthetic characteristics."
Chloe nearly fell sideways.
Jane stared.
"What the fuck kind of answer is that?"
"Accurate."
"So yes."
"Technically."
Jane laughed harder.
I pointed at her.
"This changes nothing."
She waved one hand.
"I know!"
"Good."
"I'm just saying—"
"No."
She smiled.
"Excellent nose?"
I closed my eyes.
There it was.
Weapon upgraded.
Chloe looked delighted.
This was terrible.
Jane leaned back.
"Wait, so when you said you don't have a type—"
"I don't."
"You literally just admitted I fit it."
"One data point does not establish causation."
Chloe:
"Multiple women establish a pattern."
I turned to her.
"You're supposed to be my friend."
"I am."
"Poorly."
Jane looked at Chloe.
"So you noticed?"
Chloe nodded.
"Immediately."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"More fun this way."
Jane stared.
Then laughed.
"Fair."
I hated them.
For the next fifteen minutes, every woman within fifty meters became a potential statistical event.
Not because I looked.
Because Jane kept watching me to see if I looked.
"Stop monitoring my eyeballs."
"I'm collecting data."
"That's creepy."
"Scientific."
"I have the science degree."
Chloe:
"She has field observations."
I stared.
"This is harassment."
Jane smiled.
"Pretty?"
"No."
"Polished?"
"I am not answering."
"Excellent nose?"
"Jane."
"Very nice legs?"
"I'm leaving."
Chloe laughed.
I did not leave.
Because coffee was expensive and I hadn't finished it.
Principles.
Eventually, the joke died down.
Mostly.
We talked about other things.
Trips we wanted to take.
Food places.
Whether Chloe should cut her hair.
Jane said yes.
I said not too short.
Chloe accused me of having opinions about everything.
Correct.
Then Jane asked—
"Beach?"
"What?"
"Gala someday. Beach."
Chloe immediately nodded.
"Game."
I thought about work.
Schedule.
Orders.
Then stopped.
No.
Wrong brain.
"Game."
Jane smiled.
"No checking calendar?"
"Not yet."
Chloe pointed at me.
"Growth."
I sighed.
Of course.
We stayed until late afternoon.
No major event.
No dramatic revelation beyond the unfortunate discovery that my aesthetic preferences were apparently visible from space.
We ate again before leaving.
Because of course.
During dinner, a woman walked past our table.
I did not look.
I deliberately stared at my food.
Jane noticed.
"You're trying too hard."
"I hate you."
Chloe looked toward the woman.
Then at me.
"Nice legs."
I pointed at her.
"YOU TOO?"
She shrugged.
"Pattern established."
Jane started laughing again.
Excellent.
Now there were two of them.
We headed home together.
Chloe got off first.
Before leaving, she leaned toward Jane.
"Understandable."
Jane laughed.
I stared.
"Go home."
Chloe waved.
"Bye."
"Bye."
Then she looked at me.
That look.
I pointed toward the door.
"Out."
She left laughing.
For the rest of the ride, Jane and I sat beside each other.
Quiet for a while.
Then—
"Lia."
I already knew.
"No."
She laughed.
"I haven't asked anything."
"No."
"Pretty?"
I stared out the window.
"Goodnight."
"It's not even night."
"Conversation over."
She laughed.
Then, after a second—
"Relax. I don't mind."
I looked at her.
She shrugged.
"You've liked me before. Alam ko naman."
There.
Old fact.
Simple.
No weirdness.
"And friends tayo."
"Yeah."
"So?"
I smiled.
"So nothing."
"Exactly."
She looked forward again.
Then—
"Pero excellent nose talaga?"
I stared at her.
She broke.
Started laughing.
"Fuck you."
"HAHAHAHA."
Normal restored.
When I got home, Sofia was at the table.
Again.
I walked in.
She looked up.
"Masaya?"
"Yes."
"Kasama?"
"Jane and Chloe."
"Okay."
I started toward the stairs.
Then stopped.
Turned.
"Sofia."
"Hm?"
"Do I have a type?"
She stared at me.
Dangerous question.
"Why?"
"Answer."
She thought about it.
Then—
"Probably."
I frowned.
"What type?"
She looked at me for a second.
Then smiled.
"No."
"What no?"
"Secret."
I stared.
"Sofia."
She looked back at her phone.
"Goodnight."
I stood there.
Apparently everyone in my life had become unbearable.
Wonderful.
Upstairs, my phone buzzed.
Group chat.
Jane:
Excellent nose
Chloe:
understandable
I stared.
Then typed:
I'M LEAVING THIS GROUP CHAT
Jane:
very nice legs
Chloe:
interesting
I put my phone face-down.
Six seconds later—
I picked it up again.
Because obviously.
And despite myself—
I was laughing.
Maybe having a life meant occasionally giving your friends enough information to ruin yours.
Fair trade.