21. Murray #2
“Kelly … I think the reason she walked out tonight when you offered to teach her to play piano is because music was the one good thing she had with Jill. It was the one thing we all had in common. Jill can’t play an instrument, but she loves music, and it was the only time she spent with Kelly where there was a softness, a thread of affection, between them.
Then the music would stop and Jill detached again. ”
London’s lips parted as if surprised.
“What is it?”
She gave a slight shake of her head. “It’s just … the parallels. The only time I ever felt any admiration from my parents was when I played. It was the only time they were warm to me. Just like Jill and Kelly.”
“And that’s why you never played piano again?” I thought it was a damn shame not just because London played so well but I could see how much she loved playing.
“Yeah. Typical teenager. I was trying to hurt them for hurting me, and it’s taken me all these years to realize …” Her gaze moved toward the piano. “I probably hurt myself more.”
“You missed playing.”
“I missed playing.”
“You don’t have to miss it anymore. You can play anytime you want.”
She gave me a sweet smile. “Thank you. I think I will.”
“Good.” The urge to bridge the distance between us and taste her mouth was so intense, my fingers gripped hard around my cooling mug.
London’s eyes flared ever so slightly as she felt the sudden tension too.
Not wanting her to feel my attraction and be discomforted by it, I jerked my gaze away and asked her about her favorite musicians. We had a few in common. Some I hadn’t heard of. Some I had and offered her recommendations from my collection based on her likes.
“Do you think if you hadn’t walked away from music, that’s what you would be doing with your life instead of being a chef?
I know you have stage fright, but you could have composed or done any number of things that don’t involve public performances,” I said after a while.
This desire to know everything about her kept me in that music room, even though the minutes were stealing the night away with a swiftness that denied me more and more sleep.
London considered my question with a pensiveness that bordered on melancholy. “Maybe … Do you want to know something?”
I nodded, leaning forward.
“I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know that I want to stay on Glenvulin. But … and I feel awful saying this and it must stay between us …”
“Of course,” I promised gruffly.
“I’m not happy at the B and B. I mean, I’m not unhappy.
But I hate the early mornings.” She laughed sheepishly.
“And I miss a busy kitchen. I think that’s what I liked most about being a sous chef was working as a team.
My last job, I felt like we were a mini family.
They were my closest friends because no one else worked such long, off-kilter hours.
I think I enjoyed that more than I did the cooking in the end. ”
Surprised, I pushed. “So, you don’t want to be a chef?”
“I don’t know. I love my little honesty box.
I get such a thrill when I see it’s empty.
But I think that’s because I like when people like my food.
It’s a form of acceptance in a way when they empty out that box.
But it doesn’t matter if I’m not totally happy in my job.
Who is? I should stick to my skill set.” She shrugged.
“I can cook and bake, therefore I should.”
“Or not.” It bothered me far more than was healthy to know London wasn’t content. “You should find what makes you happy and do it.”
“I couldn’t leave Nee in the lurch like that.”
“I don’t think she’d see it that way.”
“Murray … Nee and Ramsay helped give me my life back.” Her gaze grew watery. “I couldn’t repay her by leaving her without a cook for the guest house.”
“I don’t—”
“Why would I abandon her for something that doesn’t exist?
” London slowly stood, giving me a wobbly smile.
“Nick derailed my life. I let him derail my life. I’ll never forgive myself for that.
It’s my fault I’m a little lost and that I might never find my way back.
I’m not going to abandon the one person who has given me at least some sense of purpose. ”
My chest fucking ached even as my blood heated with indignation.
“Thank you for the tea. Good night, Murray.”
I wanted to speak. To call after her. But my own emotions were too fucking overwhelming.
It went beyond frustration knowing that London was being so shitty to herself. That she was compromising her own happiness because she didn’t feel she deserved any better. I realized it scared me.
I think it scared me because it was almost impossible to love someone who didn’t love themselves, and I had more than my own feelings to consider in this complicated situation.
There was Kelly to think about. Falling in love for me couldn’t ever be as simple as just falling into the unknown for the euphoria of it all. If that euphoria even existed.
Loving a woman had to be a choice I made.
It had to be the right choice, not just for me but for my family.
I stared at the piano, imagining London there.
My gut knotted.
Logically, I knew I shouldn’t allow my feelings for her to deepen. That I should treat her like a business partner. It wasn’t as if she’d shown any real signs of wanting me in return.
But the thought of leaving her to feel alone, fucking hurt. It physically hurt.
And that’s why I was scared too.
Because I was an idiot if I thought falling for London could ever be something I managed or chose.
I was over that cliff, and there was no stopping my momentum now.