31. London
Iwas never more grateful to Cammie for offering to film Murray. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss a single moment of this stuck behind a stupid phone.
Goose bumps covered every inch of me as Murray’s deep, gravelly singing voice filled the pub, his fingers strumming the chords to one of my recent favorite songs.
But it wasn’t just his beautiful voice that gave me goose bumps; it was the way he stared at me with such feeling as he sang the lyrics directly to me.
The lyrics demanded me not to tell him there wasn’t more to this, and as he sang “More to This,” he jerked his chin toward me … and I knew.
Finally, I really knew that he felt for me what I felt for him.
Heat suffused my cheeks as people glanced at me, including our friends, but I kept my gaze locked on Murray as he sang the rest of the song.
My heart raced, and it was like I’d spent all day in the sun, my skin was that hot.
Moreover, I experienced something I had never felt before: the state of being as emotionally turned on as I was physically.
By the time Murray got to the final chorus, everyone had stopped looking at me because they were transfixed by him.
He was so tremendously talented, it was hard to believe he’d decided to pursue a fishing company over the musician’s life.
The hair on my nape had risen with the song and when he sang of promising to love me forever, I shivered, clenching my jaw against the emotion, the hope rising in me.
Listening to him was an experience I was unlikely to forget, anyway. Listening to him sing that beautiful song to me was locked inside my memory forever. Because it was another memory—of which so many included him—that had helped heal me.
As soon as he strummed that last chord and the crowd in the pub exploded in uproarious applause, I was on my feet. My knees trembled a little, my hands shaking, but I was drawn to Murray Shaw with the same intensity I had been from the start. This time, however, I didn’t struggle against the pull.
I blindly shoved my way around tables and clapping villagers to appear in front of him. There was a slight hush, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything but this man.
Murray’s eyes gleamed as he lowered his guitar and stood, towering over me, so much bigger physically and yet he had one of the gentlest souls I’d ever known.
He was everything I needed and wanted.
As soon as Murray was within my grasp, I curled my fingers in his shirt and yanked him down to meet my lips.
Cheers and wolf whistles encircled us as our mouths moved against each other with a kind of desperation I’d been keeping a rein on for far too long. I felt Murray’s suppressed passion burst forth as his arms encircled me and he deepened the kiss, almost lifting me off my feet to do it.
When someone teasingly shouted, “Get a room!” Murray and I broke apart, laughing softly, our breaths mingling as we stared into each other’s eyes.
The connection that existed between us from the very beginning thrummed with too much energy and heightened anticipation.
It was deeper and more wanting than ever because we knew each other now.
“Okay!” Aodhan’s loud voice filled the room, and Murray shifted to look behind him where Aodhan stood at the mic. The old man winked at us. “Very entertaining. Next up is … a Mr. Olly Treppedi from Australia. Good luck following that, mate.”
The pub tittered as Murray took my hand and grabbed his guitar with the other.
Cheeks flushed and my body tingling with unfulfilled desire, I let him lead me back to our table of friends.
But he didn’t sit. Tierney met my gaze, hers wide with delight, and I knew that expression.
She was internally squeeing in girlish glee for me.
It made me laugh and Murray shot me a tender look that could have melted my underwear right off.
Those feelings were immediately followed by anxiety. What if I couldn’t be what Murray needed in bed?
Before Nick, I’d been sexually confident, usually made the first move.
I’d like hard, fast, aggressive sex as much as I liked leisurely sweaty mornings tangled in bed together.
But Nick liked to be in charge, so I’d allowed myself to be more submissive, and now my feelings were very complicated about the sexual dynamics between me and a partner.
Murray gestured to Cammie for my phone and she handed it over to me. “We’ll catch up with you guys later.”
“Oh, aye.” Forde winked devilishly at us before he took a swig of water. “Ow!” He glowered across the table at Cammie. “What the fuck? Did you just kick me?”
“Aye, don’t be crude.”
“All right then, Mum.”
“Play nice, children,” Murray said as the sounds of the Australian tourist setting up at the mic crackled around the room. “See you all later.”
“Bye!” I waved at my friends, nerves making my stomach swoop.
“’Night!”
“Be safe!”
“Happy consummating!”
These were the shouts of the locals, not our friends. I blushed as Murray shook his head, laughter in his eyes.
“I’d be leaving with him too if he sang to me like that!”
“Aye, she’s probably already pregnant fe that! I know I am!”
Uproarious laughter filled the pub because the latter was shouted by Forde.
At the door, Murray turned back and pointed in warning at his friend, which only made everyone erupt even more. Pushing out of the pub, the cool night air relieved the heat of my cheeks and I dissolved into a fit of giggles.
Part thrill, anticipation, embarrassment … and building anxiety.
Murray took hold of my hand, grinning that sexy smile that made the butterflies in my belly flutter even more rapidly.
We didn’t speak as we walked hurriedly to the car, but we kept looking at each other, like teenagers first discovering the opposite sex. As soon as we got into the Discovery, Murray finally spoke. “You’re sure you want this with me?”
The blood whooshed in my ears, my hands shaking as I clipped on my seat belt. “I do.”
“Thank fuck for that,” he replied gruffly and started the engine.
He’d just driven out of the parking lot when my thoughts returned to unpleasant quarters.
What if … Murray seemed like a gentle kind of guy …
but sometimes those were the secret dominants.
What if he needed the kind of physical relationship Ramsay needed from Nee?
Nee had divulged to me the secrets of their relationship, including the fact that she enjoyed how dominant Ramsay was in the bedroom.
I …just … I wasn’t ready for anything like that. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be again.
Five minutes passed and we turned down the winding B-road illuminated only by Murray’s headlights.
“Are you … what’s wrong?” Murray suddenly asked.
I gaped at him. “What?”
“I felt your mood change significantly in the last few minutes.” His hands clenched around the steering wheel.
Awe suffused me, much like it had when he’d sung to me.
I had never met a man more attuned to me in my life.
And he deserved my honesty.
“I …” I pushed valiantly past my embarrassment. “I need you to be honest about something because this won’t work between us otherwise.”
“Okay …?”
“Everyone has their … kinks, right?”
Murray frowned at the road. “Eh … what kind of kinks do you think I have?”
“No. I … okay … so, like, I know that some guys need to be in control in bed, but if that’s your kink I … I can’t. Not … at least … not right now, and I don’t know if that will ever change.”
The tension between us transformed, and I wasn’t quite sure what it meant until Murray demanded in a low, anguished voice, “Did Nick … did he …”
I reached out to squeeze his arm. “He and I didn’t have sex for the last two months of our relationship because I was so not into it.
I found texts between him and a high-end escort service, so he didn’t need me for that.
Truthfully, I don’t think he even wanted me like that anymore.
I was like a pet in a cage he got off on controlling more than he got off on having sex with. ”
Murray relaxed infinitesimally.
“But …” I pushed on, letting out a nervous exhale.
“Before, when we were having sex, there were times I consented when I wasn’t in the mood and I don’t know why I did that.
He had messed so much with my emotions and my head by that point that my entire life felt out of my control.
He had to be in control during sex, and at first, I was okay with that, but in those moments I said yes when I shouldn’t have, I resented how it had to be between us in bed.
I feel ashamed of myself for a lot of things in that relationship, whether you or Nee or anyone tell me I shouldn’t.
I carry it. I carry that I was living a life that I didn’t want to live.
“So, in those times when we were together and he’d use phrases like ‘good girl’ and talk dirty to me … it started to turn me off instead of on. Now … I guess I’m worried about how it’ll be between you and me.”
My skin burned hot with vulnerability and his silence was crushing. Immediately, I assumed it meant Murray needed something I couldn’t give him. Damn it! Just when—
“We take this at your pace, London,” he said, breaking through my panic.
“I’m not ashamed to say I’m a man of simple pleasures.
The fact that I even get to touch you, kiss you, is more than enough for me.
” Murray pulled the car to a stop outside the house, but I didn’t move because I was transfixed by him.
He turned to look me in the eye, his next words gruff with emotion, “You, just you as you are, are my fantasy. And I still can’t believe that you’re real and you want me back.
But if you need more time before we move onto this part of our relationship, I will give you all the time in the world. ”
That insistent throb returned between my legs and I shifted impatiently, feeling how wet I was. Holy shit. I guessed my body trusted Murray instinctually.
“I don’t need more time. I promise,” I whispered, my chest rising and falling in shallow breaths.
Murray’s breathing found pace with mine as he unclipped his belt a little hurriedly. “You take the lead and I’ll follow.”
“Okay,” I practically squeaked as I unfastened my belt and Murray jumped out of the vehicle.
He was already rounding the hood to throw open my door, and I practically fell into his arms in my eagerness to be there. Murray yanked me against him, crushing his mouth over mine, apparently forgetting about the letting me take the lead part already.
But I didn’t feel threatened by that. The opposite, in fact.
I moaned into his hot kiss, loving being surrounded by his heat, his scent, the feel of his big hands on my lower back, the soft bristle of his beard against my cheeks.
I wanted more. I wanted to feel his hot skin beneath my hands, and I needed him inside me.
For the first time in my life, it wasn’t just about satisfying a sexual urge …
it was this otherworldly, desperate desire to be connected to him in every way possible. To claim Murray Shaw as my own.
I reluctantly broke our kiss, the taste of him still on my tongue. “Take me inside.”
His hands flexed on my back in reaction, and he gave me an abrupt nod before lightly grasping my hand and hurrying us toward the mudroom entrance.
Now that he understood what I needed, I could relax and enjoy the anticipation.
A giggle of excitement bubbled in my mouth, and I had to bite my lower lip to stop it escaping.
We were in the middle of kicking off our shoes, our eyes unable to untangle from each other’s, when a whispered voice cut through the moment.
Fiona.
Oh my goodness, how did we forget that Murray’s mom was still here?
Murray grimaced and hung his head in comical despair.
Trying not to laugh at his dismay, I rubbed a soothing hand over his chest. “Come on.”
He gave me a look that warned this wasn’t over and then we hurried down the hall, past Kelly’s closed bedroom door, to find Fiona at the bottom of the staircase. The heat burning through me cooled at the sight of her pinched expression.
“Did you have a nice night?” she whispered.
“It was good, Mum. What’s wrong?”
She grimaced. “Kelly had a falling-out with some girl at school in their … I don’t know … some app where they’re all in there chatting together. She says she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow.”
Murray scrubbed an agitated hand over his beard. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Good. I’m heading out.”
“Will you text me when you’re home?”
“Of course.” She reached up to kiss his cheek, her position on the stairs erasing their significant height difference. “’Night, son.”
“’Night, Mum. And thanks.”
“No problem.” She squeezed my arm as she passed me. “’Night, London.”
“Good night, Fiona.”
Silence fell between us as we listened to the rustle of Fiona donning her outerwear and then the click of the door opening and closing behind her.
Murray gave me a pained, exasperated look. “I need to …” He gestured toward the hallway, to Kelly’s wing of the ground floor.
Since I totally understood his priorities and would expect or want nothing less, I hid my disappointment and stepped onto the staircase. “Of course. See you in the morning.”
Our eyes met again as I looked back during my climb upward and I almost dove back down toward him at the heat in his beautiful green gaze. But his daughter needed him, so I put my wants aside and disappeared upstairs.