22. Drake
Drake
Spending the weekend with Olivia was like a fantasy spilled out into reality. We got to explore every inch of each other's bodies and got to know each other better.
Thankfully, we weren't spotted at the gala by any press, so we dodged that potential disaster. I know we need to deal with work and her father soon, but right now, we're in our little bubble and I'm content to stay there. What we have is magnetic, and adding unneeded interference is not necessary.
The day of her first doctor's appointment comes, and I pick her up at her apartment, eager to get there and find out more about her pregnancy. My stomach has been twisting and turning all morning, and I’m not sure if I'm excited or nervous. Either way, I put on a calm face for Olivia.
“Did you find anything out about this appointment?” I ask Olivia, feeling my nerves grow more palpable.
“I think I'm just peeing in a cup and having an ultrasound, but I'm not positive,” she says with some excitement.
The whole point of me taking her to the gala was to get to know her better to make a decision about the baby.
Should she give it up for adoption or do either of us want to raise the baby, possibly even together?
We haven't talked about it, but I know a conversation will happen after the appointment. I don't know what I want just yet.
We get to the office and check in and are brought back to the room. They give Olivia a blue and pink gown to slip on as we wait for the doctor. A nurse comes in first and asks Olivia dozens of questions that Olivia answers promptly, then she sits in the chair and waits patiently.
I fidget beside her as I begin thinking more about all this. There's a reason I have been distant from all the women I've been with. There's a reason I never wanted to start a family. What's changed that I would entertain the idea with Olivia?
Maybe this is a mistake, and I should have just told her she could do whatever she wanted to.
Leaving now would make me look like an asshole, but I'd at least get out before the baby comes and I inevitably do something to ruin it for life.
I don't know how to commit to a woman. What if I hurt Olivia?
“Are you okay?” Olivia asks, sitting upright in the chair and watching me with her brows furrowed. “You're kind of staring off into space.”
“I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep last night,” I lie, forcing a smile as I squeeze her hands to let her know I'm here for her. At least for now.
The doctor comes in shortly after and smiles at us, happy to get to know two new patients who are bringing life into the world.
“Hello, Mommy and Daddy,” she says in a chipper voice as she sits on the rolling stool and waves. “My name is Dr. Leibrandt. Now, is this our first pregnancy?”
Olivia says something, but I don't hear it.
All I see are their mouths moving as they talk about Olivia's medical history and the pregnancy tests.
Olivia lifts her shirt and shows her stomach, and the doctor runs the ultrasound handle over top.
They're laughing and smiling as I shrink back, and the room blurs around me.
I don't want to be here. I can't be here. Every cell in my body is trying to force me to stand up, walk out of the office, and go home, bringing an end to my involvement.
Olivia doesn't need me. She made up her mind about what she was going to do before I even involved myself in it.
This is a mistake. A huge mistake. I shouldn't have gotten involved with Olivia in the first place.
I'm not ready to be a father, and I have forced myself into this role because of my feelings.
“Drake?” Olivia says, standing beside me fully dressed with her arms crossed and confusion plastered across her face. I didn't notice the appointment end and the doctor walk out of the room. “What's going on? You've been spaced out for the past half-hour. You missed the entire thing.”
She's irritated, and she should be. I promised to be here for her, and the first time she needed me, I messed up.
“I don't know if I can do this,” I say as I watch her heart break in two.
“What do you mean?” she asks, not understanding my sudden change of heart.
I stand and lead her out of the office so we can have this conversation in private. She's hesitant to follow, and I can't blame her. She must be shocked. As soon as we're in my car, she turns to me expectantly.
“I don't know if I can go through all this. I never wanted a family, and I don't know if I'm ready,” I say, hardly able to look her in the eye.
She's quiet for a moment. I glance up, not knowing what to expect, and watch as her eyes shift between confusion, heartbreak, and anger. I brace myself for each of them.
“Why are you saying this now? You're the one who wanted to be a part of this.” Her voice is sharp, loud, and filled with frustration. “I told you I had a plan, and you were angry because I made one without consulting you. What changed?”
“I don't know,” I say more defensively than I need to. “This is a big deal, Olivia. This isn't trying to figure out what restaurant we're going to for dinner. This is bringing a life into the world and figuring out how to raise it.”
“Do you think I don't know that? I've been thinking about this every day since I found out I was pregnant. I made up my mind, and you convinced me otherwise.” She's yelling now, furious with me for my indecisiveness.
“I thought things were going well. Maybe I was stupid, but I thought we might have a future.”
The weight in my chest is dragging me down now. “Things are going well between us. I care about you so much, Olivia. I just don't think I'm ready for this.”
Olivia looks at me with her mouth hanging open. She doesn't know what to think, and neither do I. I feel bad for everything I've said. I wish I could take it back, but I know that wouldn't be good for either of us.
She opens my car door and moves to step out before I grab her hand and stop her. “If you're not sure about this, that’s fine. But you’re not going to toy around with me. You're not the only one who needs time to think now.”
She slams the car door and heads back into the doctor's office, presumably to call an Uber. I consider going to talk to her, but I don't want to make a scene. I wait in my car for a few minutes before deciding the best thing to do is leave and give her space.
I just don't know if I can fix this when I see her again.