Chapter 13 #2
I open my eyes, feeling something sting my arm.
I feel Luca’s eyes on me, and he is holding a syringe, injecting something into my bloodstream.
His hands are marked on my arm with the blood of the one who died; I let out a distressed cry when acknowledging, until suddenly I feel my breathing calm down, my eyes heavy, and I struggle to keep them open, feeling Luca’s watchful eyes on me, before everything goes black.
My eyes open and close repeatedly, trying to get used to the brightness in the room; I don’t know where I am.
A small movement next to me wakes me up.
I look over to where the sound is coming from, and I see Bella sitting in a chair next to the bed where I’m lying; she has a look on her face that could be read as pity.
Suddenly, the memories of last night hit me hard; I get out of bed in one jump, getting rid of the blankets over me, andI look at my arm for traces of blood.
“There’s nothing there. We’ll clean you up and change your clothes.” Bella’s voice is serene, somehow giving me some of her calm.
“What happened?” I say in a hoarse voice, feeling my dry throat scratch.
“After you left the torture room, Luca had to inject you with a tranquilizer. When I saw you, you were already out, so we decided that you would stay here to not arouse suspicion of what happened.”
“From my weakness…” My voice comes out as a whisper, but Bella still seems to be able to hear my words.
“It wasn’t weakness; many men couldn’t bear to see what you saw yesterday. Don’t condemn yourself for what happened to you. What’s going on down there is truly horrible; not everyone has the cold blood to see or do that.”
I hear the door open, and my eyes turn to it. I see Luca entering the room. He doesn’t say a word; he just watches me without coming any closer, still standing by the door.
“I’ll get your breakfast. I’ll be right back.” Bella doesn’t let anyone answer, rushing out of the room and closing the door before walking away. Luca stares at me, seeming to read my reaction to his presence.
“You can come closer. I won’t bite!” A smile comes from his lips, making me smile with him, watching him slowly approach the bed, sitting down in the chair where his sister had been seconds before.
“I had to give you a tranquilizer. You were in shock.”
“I know. Bella told me…”
“I shouldn’t have touched you; I should have let one of your brothers do it. But the next thing I knew, you were staring at the blood and screaming. I would never hurt you, at least not with intent. I want you to know that.”
“I know Luca. As you said, I was in shock, not afraid, seeing the blood somehow became a trigger, I think…”
“You shouldn’t have gone into that room; you should have stayed away from the party; I shouldn’t have let that happen.”
I take Luca’s hand and move a little closer to him. “I wanted to come in; nobody forced me.” A dry laugh leaves his lips, and Luca looks into my eyes.
“Even if I didn’t use force, you were forced to enter.
From the moment he spoke to you like that in the hall, all your actions were thought out and plannedso that the mafia wouldn’t look bad so that everyone would realize that you were the ideal woman to be by my side.
Our engagement forced you inside, and seeing your eyes before they went out, I know that we put an image on you that you shouldn’t carry, a terror that you can’t bear. ”
“I’ll forget.” My voice comes out low and uncertain, knowing full well that I’ll be tormented by the memories of last night for a long time. “It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I’m stronger than I look!”
Three days later, all the Italian newspapers headlined the engagement of the heir to the Di Santis family and Salvatore Mancini’s youngest daughter.
My photo with Luca, from the day I was introduced to the Camorra, is in all the papers, always highlighting the large diamond ring on my finger.
The memories of that night are still too vivid, and my nights are far from peaceful; insomnia and nightmares have taken hold of me, andI hear him begging for forgiveness, for help.
The newspapers have started calling me Principessa d’or (golden princess), but they don’t know the truth; they don’t know the blood that was spilled that night; if they did, they wouldn’t use the color of my hair to refer to me.
I twist my engagement ring on my finger, listening to my mother refuse yet another interview.
The newspapers and magazines keep calling in an attempt to get an interview with me, with the excuse that they want to get to know the future wife of the heir to Italy’s richest family.
My father has been trying to cover up my psychological reports, knowing that my life is being reviewed; the Camorra can’t know that fact, especially if it’s leaked to the newspapers.
“We’re not interested in money or publicity.
” I look closely at my mother, noticing her patience waning out, her voice getting louder and more irritated.
“I’ve already told you that Chiara has no interest in giving any interviews to any media.
What do you mean public interest? It’s an engagement, not a political event; it’s something private; they don’t owe any kind of clarification. ”
I let out a loud breath and walk out into the garden, seeing Luca get out of his car and walk toward me. His face isn’t the best, but I can see that he’s trying to soften it as he gets closer.
“Paparazzi are surrounding your house!” his voice sounds angry, and he looks intently at me, coming a little closer; I don’t react, and he seems to calm down a little.
“I know, I can’t really leave the house, plus they keep calling asking for interviews and clarifications.
My mother is afraid I’ll be surrounded if I leave the family property, so we had to increase the number of security guards in the morning.
” I sit in a chair facing the small garden table, taking a deep breath and watching Amethyst run across the grass.
I hear Luca pull up a chair, and I look over to see him sitting next to me, still looking at me.
“We’re trying to calm things down; I believe that in two or three days, things will settle down a bit.”
“A bit.” I let out a dry, irritated smile. “Will security have to be increased?”
“Yes, at least for now.”
“Have they surrounded your house?” Luca looks away from me and doesn’t answer. “Luca?”
“No, our family is well known; although they don’t have any proof, rumors of the mafia are circulating.”
I nod my head, a little annoyed that I’m the only one who has to deal with this avalanche of journalists. “They’re going to look into my life…”
“My father and yours have sorted everything out so that your anxiety disorder doesn’t get out.”
“If it makes the headlines, the Camorra will never agree to the wedding.” I look away from him, not wanting to face him.
“At this time, or any time in reality, they have no say in the matter; you are the one I chose; nothing will change that!”
“Your father’s.”
“What?”
“I’m your father’s choice; I’m not naive, Luca; your father chose me to deepen the partnership with mine; it wasn’t you who chose me because you were interested in me; it was your father because he was interested in what my family has to offer.”
Luca looks at me, but no words seem to come out of his mouth.
I let out a dry laugh, get up from my chair and walk into the house.
What was I really expecting? That he would deny what I said and promise me eternal love?
How na?ve and stupid can I really be? I go into my room and close the door, leaning against it and closing my eyes.
I think back to the first time we met, and even though I already knew, I’ve now confirmed that he was never interested in me but rather in what I have to offer.
I let out my breath and wish it wasn’t like that, not anymore; I wish I was more than just a favorable exchange for Luca, more than just a marriage of convenience, because he’s much more than that to me.
I hear small claws scraping on the door, open it and look down, seeing amethyst enter between my legs and Luca staring at me with an expression I can’t recognize on his face.
“Can I come in?” I gesture with my hand and make way for him to enter my room. Luca looks around, clearly assessing the space. “Similar to London, the stars…”
“All my rooms are similar; I’m not very original.”
“An easier way to feel at home, I imagine.”
“Maybe I’ve never really thought about it. I don’t think you’re here to talk about decoration, Luca.”
Luca sits on my bed, looks at me, and seems to be trying to find a way to start the conversation as if he’s choosing the words that will come out of his mouth.
“When we agreed to get marriedwhen you accepted, it was always clear that we were both going to get something out of it; love was never something laid out on the board; power was. If you’re expecting love, a prince on a white horse, I’m not that person, Chiara; I’m the villain of the story, you know that.
In our world, in the mafia, love is not a word used. ”
“You’re trying to tell me to erase my fantasies about love, is that it?”
“In a way, love isn’t something I can offer you. So eliminate those fantasies before it’s too late.”
I let out a dry laugh and wonder how I got into this situation; I always imagined that when I fell in love, it would be a reciprocated love with a beautiful love story, and here I am, hearing from the lips of the man I think I love, that I should erase my feelings.
“Well then, I think it’s too late, Luca because I’m deeply and stupidly in love with you.
” I see Luca’s body stiffen, and his face become tense.
“Wouldn’t you be able to love me one day? ”
“I’ve already told you that the word love is not in the vocabulary of a man of honor.”
“I’m not asking about the code of conduct for men of honor. I’m asking about you, Luca. Would you ever be able to have feelings for me, to reciprocate what I feel?”
“Those feelingsdon’t get you anywhere, Chiara; in our world, we can’t afford to love because love is a weakness.
Love is a risk I won’t take; the Camorra is and always will be my only love; you should know that by now.
So turn it off, turn off your feelings, erase what you say you feel for me, and that way, our marriage will be what it was always meant to be: a perfect and indestructible union. ”
“If I could choose, I’d rather be tortured to death than love you, Luca, trust me!
But unfortunately, I have feelings; I’m not like you; I can’t just switch it off.
” I take a deep breath, feeling his gaze on me; I pace back and forth in the room, trying to contain my urge to scream, to unleash my frustration on the universe.
“Love isn’t a weakness; it’s what keeps us alive…
Feelings can’t be turned off… I can’t do it! ”
“Try, do what you feel is necessary, but you can’t love me, Chiara, because I’ll never be able toreturn those feelings.”
Luca turns his back and leaves the room immediately after speaking, leaving me alone after destroying all the hopes I had for our relationship.
I sit on the bed and let the tears flow freely down my face, knowing that I will never be loved by the person I love.
Perhaps it would have been easier never to have heard those words come out of his mouth.
Maybe then I could smile and dream that one day he would love me back.
Maybe then everything would be easier, hope would be there, and my heart wouldn’t hurt so much that I think it might stop beating, just so I don’t feel any more pain.
“Chiara?” I hear my grandmother’s voice in the distance, but I don’t answer.
I don’t feel I have the strength to do so.
Small knocks are left on the door before I hear it open.
Chiara honey, what happened? Hearing my grandmother’s voice only makes me cry harder; I feel her hand on my back, leaving little caresses on it.
“Luca asked me to come and see you; what happened?”
I can’t get my voice to come out, and honestly, I don’t want to say anything; the words repeat themselves in my head. I don’t want them to leave my lips either, so I just let my pain try to leave my body through tears.
“It’s okay, my love, you have me, always!” I feel Grandma hug me, and I let my head fall on her shoulder, knowing that I’ll never be alone.