Chapter 14 #4
“But then you agreed to marry him. It’s not your fault, darling.
You didn’t know me, andyou didn’t realize that I would be the perfect husband.
So I gave you time, I let you go to London to study, I let you realize that he wasn’t good enough for you, I let you call off the engagement of your own free will because you realized that he wasn’t good enough.
But you didn’t; you stayed with him even though he wasn’t the one; after all, I am the one for you.
When the engagement was announced to the public, I thought about kidnapping you and taking you to Russia, where we’d finally be happy, but I didn’t think you’d like it; I didn’t want to spoil the start of our relationship; you deserve a fairy tale.
” I look at Francesco, and he seems as incredulous at his words as I am.
“So I decided to attack the Camorra, take it over, kill Luca and meet you in London and then we’d live happily ever after.
But your plane took a long time to leave, and you stayed here.
I had to get your location from Luca to rescue you, but he’s stubborn; he wouldn’t tell me where you were.
I told him we were going to get married, make love and have children, and that son of a bitch stabbed me just for telling him what my life would be like with my wife, so I shot him, hoping to kill him, told him how I was going to make love to you, how you would be mine.
His father came to try to rescue his son, and I shot him too, all for you; I killed them for our love”.
His speech is rushed and disjointed, like that of someone completely removed from reality, someone crazy.
His smile makes me want to vomit, the way he looks at me is sickening.
I fight the urge to run away from his gaze, his words, his image.
But I can’t, not when he tried to kill the man I love.
“You didn’t kill them, Luca and his father are alive.
” He looks at me confused, almost disbelieving, as if nothing makes sense.
“It was the Capo’s wife who had me tortured, wasn’t it? I’m going to kill them all.”
“You’re wrong, I had you tortured. I told them to make you suffer, not to let you die, to prolong your suffering.”
“It’s all right my love, I’m not upset, you didn’t know, they must have pressured you.” He looks in the direction of the soldiers, seeming to kill them with his eyes. “You didn’t let them kill me; we can get out of here together and be happy.”
I turn around, not knowing exactly what I’m feeling; anger and fear travel through my body. I want to kill him, not let him follow me and frighten me anymore. Paolo puts his hand on my shoulder. I look in his direction, and he looks worried.
“Get your hand off, my wife!”
“I want him to die so badly…”
“We can do it.”
“Luca and his father, it’s up to them to decide.” I hug my body with my arms, feeling shivers run through my body. Paolo stands in front of me, forcing me to face him.
“After what we’ve heard, we can all agree that it’s your decision; Luca will understand. If you want, I’ll kill him.”
I look in the direction of the man who has been chasing me for almost a year, the man who put the man I love in a hospital bed. He smiles at me, and I want to see him cry. “I’ll have blood on my hands; I don’t know if I can handle that.” My voice comes out low and brittle.
“I’ll be the one to make him take his last breath; I’ll kill him, not you.”
“But I’ll be the one who gave the order.”
“Love, we should leave, start our love story, let me go, and let’s leave. Then I’ll kill Luca, don’t worry, I’ll erase him from our lives.”
I close my eyes, trying to contain the nausea, look at him, and smile. “With which hand did you shoot Luca?”
“Our relationship is evolving; you’re trying to find out things about me.” The smile doesn’t leave his bloodied face, and I feel like ripping it off. “It was with the left, I’m a left-handed.”
I look at Paolo, who seems confused by the interaction. “Cut off his left hand.” Paolo gives me a sadistic smile and walks over to the table in the corner of the room, picking up a saw and heading toward Nikolai.
“What, no, love, what are you doing?” Before he can say anything else, Paolo cuts off his hand with a single blow, causing him to scream and blood to gush out in several directions. I look down to see the amputated hand at my feet.
“Now I want you to stab him where the bullet hit Luca.” Francesco looks at me with a big grin on his face, picks up a knife, and stabs Nikolai in the chest, making him cry, and even if involuntarily, a small smile appears on my lips, happy to see him suffer.
I move closer to Nikolai, watching his eyes travel all over my body.
“You know Nikolai, I’m not a big fan of killing, of causing pain, I’ve never wanted my hands stained with blood.
Luca once said that even if someone dies because of me, the blood will be on his hands, and I wouldn’t stain myself with the blood of the victims. But looking at you now, knowing what you did, why you did it, I don’t mind having your blood on my handsbecause, for the first time in my life, I want nothing more than to see someone dead; I want you dead.
” I approach him, lower my body slightly, and bring my lips close to his ear.
“I love Luca, and I’ll always love him; he’s the one, and even if he died, I would never be you!
” The look on his face is one of rage, and I know he would hit me if he had the chance.
I head for the exit of the room with Francesco by my side. “Kill him, make it long and painful.”
“Yes, ma’am.” the soldier’s voices come out in a sonorous unison.
“You miserable bitch, you should love me!” I take one last look in Nikolai’s direction, smile at him, and wave my hand goodbye.
“Goodbye Nikolai, see you in hell!”
I walk out of the room, breathing heavily, my body feeling heavy and light at the same time; a mixture of feelings go through him.
I want him dead, but I feel guilty for wishing someone dead.
I awake from my thoughts to Francesco clapping his hands; I look at him with raised eyebrows, confused by his reaction.
“A real Di Santis, I’m glad we’re filming the torture, Luca will be proud!”
“I’ve just ordered the death of a man; there’s nothing to be proud of.”
“In our world, it’s a reason to be proud, and if you had any doubts about whether you’d be suitable to marry Luca, you can erase them because I can confirm right now that you’re a real mafia queen.”
“Francesco…” the words don’t come out of my mouth, still in shock at what happened inside.
“You’ll get used to it, believe me.” I nod, reacting automatically, following Francesco toward the car and fearing that I really will get used to the deaths.
We leave the house, and I look at the horizon to see the sun rising; most of the bodies are no longer scattered on the ground.
I get into the car and sit in the passenger seat, making Francesco look at me strangely.
I lean my head against the glass and let out a sigh of reliefthat a new day is starting, and I hope I can leave yesterday in the past, maybe even forget it.
“Luca woke up a few hours ago, while we were in the room, he asked to see you.”
“So let’s go.”
“I think we should go to your house first, take a shower, and change your clothes; you’ve got blood on you.”
I look at myself to see small bloodstains all over my clothes and feel my stomach turn, agreeing with Francesco’s suggestion.
***
I open the door of the room slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible, and I see Luca lying on the hospital bedwith various devices attached to his body.
I want to cry, knowing that he is in this situation because of me.
I approach the bed and sit down in the chair next to it, examining the small cut on his lip and his purple, swollen left eye, and yet he is still undoubtedly handsome.
I touch his face, feeling his breath on my fingers as I touch his lip, I was so afraid of losing him.
I hold his hand and look into the face of my future husband, the man I love and who will never love me back.
Hiraeth, extreme homesickness for a home you can’t return to or that was never yours.
I learned that word in a class, and now, looking at Luca, I think no word could better explain my feelings; I have Luca, andI’m going to marry him, but I’ll never have his heart, no matter how much I want it.
I leave a kiss on his hand and rest my head on it, knowing that I haven’t lost him, at least not yet.
I feel a hand rest on my head, caressing it lightly, and I look up to see Luca looking at me; I start tearing up without being able to stop it.
Luca brings his hand up to my cheek and wipes it.
I don’t stop myself; I move closer to him and hug him.
I feel Luca flinch slightly, and I remember the bullet in his chest. I try to move away, but his arm keeps me close.
I put my face in the hollow of his neck, wetting it with my tears.
“I was so afraid of losing you!” I pull away from him, running my hand over his face, feeling incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry; it’s all my fault; you’re here because of me.”
“What are you saying, Chiara? It was an attack by an enemy mafia; how could that be your fault?”
“Nikolai told me everything; he wanted to tell me personally…”
“That sick bastard, did he do something to you?” Luca looks possessed; he makes a gesture that suggests he’s going to leave the bed, andI hold his arm, not allowing him to do so.
“No, lie down; I don’t know what I’ll do if you get hurt anymore because of me.
He might be dead by now.” I look at my hands, fiddling with my fingers anxiously, not wanting to face him.
“I gave orders for him to be killed; I know I shouldn’t have; it should be your decision.
Maybe you even wanted to kill him yourself, but then he said all that stuff, he…
I couldn’t bear the thought of him alive after all that… I’m sorry!”
Luca lets out a sigh, and I can’t look at him; my arm is pulled, and my body meets him; his hand makes my head lying on his chest. “Luca, I’m going to hurt you.” I try to get up, but he stops me.
“Stay… I’m not upset; perhaps the best word to describe it would be proud; you did it for you, you did it for me; he deserved to die, Chiara…”
A painful cry comes out of me without realizing it, and I feel Luca squeeze me tighter against his body. “He followed me; I don’t know what he saw, the way he spoke…”
“I’ll never let anything like this happen again; I’ll keep you safe.”
I close my eyes, feeling calm and safe like I’m finally home after a difficult time. I love you, Luca! The words come out low, my eyes feel heavy and tired, I feel Luca mess with my hair, and I fall asleep knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way.