CUT THE SHIT
PARKER
The second my phone starts ringing, my stomach drops.
I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at Luca’s name on the screen for a few seconds before accepting the call.
“Hey.”
“We need to talk.”
Luca doesn’t bother with small talk. I’m immediately met with disappointment, which, for some reason, makes it outright worse than plain anger.
“I’m gonna cut right to the chase,” Luca starts.
I close my eyes and rub a hand over my face. “I know.”
He huffs out a deep sigh, like this has been weighing heavily on him since we left Veronas. “You need to stop.”
The words land exactly where they’re supposed to. Luca has never been the type to dance around something when he’s already made up his mind.
“He’s not someone you can mess around with.”
“I know.” My jaw tightens. “I know he isn’t.
” Never has that thought not crossed my mind, no matter how far things have gone.
The issue isn’t that I don’t know how bad this is.
It’s the fact that I want Anders in ways I shouldn’t and it’s getting too much to suppress.
“Nothing has happened, Luca,” I tell him.
The lie comes out easier than the truth ever could, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth.
I mean, I can’t believe I’m even lying to him right now.
I’m fucking lying to my best friend because I’m afraid of what will happen if he knows I’ve touched his brother.
A few months ago I might have believed it myself.
He kissed me. I kissed him. We had this tumultuous back and forth that ended in us agreeing to be friends.
It should’ve stopped there. That was supposed to be the solution.
But how are you supposed to spend years building a habit around another person and expect it to disappear because you both decided it should?
The problem isn’t that we couldn’t stop ourselves.
The problem is that Anders and I were never starting from zero. Neither of us made an effort to stick to our agreement. We went right back to what we always did.
The phone calls after games. Playing eye tag across the kitchen island. I moved him into my house and made him a part of my life in a way that can’t be ignored. It’s just not possible.
What hurts the most is knowing I wasn’t strong enough to keep things at bay. I convinced myself I could manage it and that I was being careful. I knew, without a doubt, where the line was.
And then I flirted with him at the fucking bar. And then I cornered him and I kissed him and now we’re here.
“And nothing is going to happen,” I continued lying. “I won’t overstep.”
“You better not.” Luca’s voice hardens. “I’m fucking serious, Park. You know this isn’t just some random person.”
“So am I.”
Silence settles between us. I already know what Luca is thinking. The problem is that I agree with him.
“He trusts you, Park.”
The words hit harder than anything else he’s said so far. I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do,” Luca argues. “He’s fucking attached to you or something.”
I open my mouth to argue, but there’s really no point. Diminishing this and chalking it up into Anders simply being a little too clingy would be the easy way out, but that’s not fair to him. What we’ve been doing isn’t one sided.
“I swear to God, Luca,” I say quietly. “I won’t touch him.”
“Don’t make a promise just because you feel guilty.”
I let out a tired laugh. “Well that’s really unfortunate, because that’s exactly how I feel.”
Luca ignores me. “I need to know you actually mean it.”
“I promise you,” I tell him. “I won’t touch him.”
The words settle heavily in my chest.
This is it. This is where I draw the line and hold my ground. I thought I could control myself, but it’s painfully obvious Anders has a stronger hold on me than I thought. And I can't blame him for that. It’s all my fault.
“Thank you.” Luca lets out a slow breath. “You know how important he is to me.”
“I know.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “If I left you under the impression that I was—”
“Cut the shit, Park.” Luca sighs. “You’re digging yourself into a bigger hole right now.”
“Okay.” I scrub a hand over my face. “I’ll back off, man.”
“You need to.” The words sting because I know he’s right. Of course he’s fucking right. Everything about Anders and I has been wrong. “You know he trusts you,” Luca says.
I shut my eyes.
This hurts more than I could have ever imagined because when I close my eyes, all I see is Anders sitting at my kitchen island. He’s sprawled out on the couch with a book in his hand. He’s digging around in the freezer trying to reorganize it for the umpteenth time.
Trust has always come too easily from him. Hell, I’ve told Anders that he’s too trusting. And I still took advantage.
He’s spent most of his life looking for people who would stay.
“Don’t fuck that up,” Luca continues. “The last thing he needs is to lose his safe person.”
For a long moment, I can’t speak.
His safe person. I’m his safe person.
What the hell was I thinking? This is Anders. I’ve only ever been someone who looks out for him. Nothing else should inherently matter.
The thought of hurting him or breaking his trust causes a striking pain to settle within my stomach, making me nauseous.
“I won’t let that happen.” My voice comes out rough. “I mean it, Luca.”
For the first time all night, Luca softens. “Okay,” he murmurs.
The conversation winds down after that. Neither of us has much left to say.
When the call finally ends, I sit alone in the silence.
For a long time, I just stare at nothing.
I think about Anders some more. I think about the way I would give just about anything to hear him walk through the front door and tell me he’s home.
To hear him trudge up the stairs—maybe he’ll even drop his phone on his foot and spew out a slur of vulgarities.
It’s happened more than once. It would be so easy to hear his voice and just convince myself that everything is fine.
That I’m not some sort of monster who is so selfish enough to want something impossible.
The truth is painful to admit.
I was never supposed to be Anders’ lover. I was supposed to be the person who protected him from people like me. And if I actually care about him as much as I claim to, then I need to start acting like it.